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-   -   Need advice please!!!! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39692)

Hrnycple 01-31-2013 06:44 PM

Need advice please!!!!
Hi all,

My husband and I have been in the swinging lifestyle off and on for about 7 years. When we met we talked about our fantasies and discovered that he liked the idea of being a voyeur and I liked the idea of being watched. In all honesty I thought it would just stay as a hot fantasy that we talked about. Slowly, my husband wanted me to sleep with another guy. It took me years to be comfortable with the idea. I wanted to be sure that we had a rock solid marriage and that we were doing this for the right reasons.We started off slow, some hits, some misses. Then I fell pregnant with our first child and we took a break.

After having my child, I had difficulty getting back into the lifestyle. My husband was not happy with me, I felt different. It was so hard for me to get that confidence back, but I wanted to and I knew it would make my husband happy if we got back into the lifestyle. So after 4 years we made a decision to revisit the lifestyle.

Here is where the story turns. Turns out, my husband wanted to see me with a black man. This took some time for me to be ok with, but I found out quickly that black guys are very very very attracted to me. And so I agreed that if I was attracted to the guy I would sleep with him. I have now been with quite a few black guys and it is fun. The problem is, my husband has suddenly turned on me. He says he is not jealous or anything but he is furious at me for being with two guys that he believes I had feelings for. It is affecting our marriage. I am upset because I was ok with NOT swinging and my fears of him turning against me have come true! He is upset because he thinks I am.... I don't even know what... In love with these guys? Which I am not! I am completely committed to my husband. I love him and was only open to this lifestyle BECAUSE of him! Admittedly the two guys he refers to I did have a friendship with. But never in a million years did I ever want more than hot sex with them. One of them had problems keeping it up, and my husband got mad about that. We bent over backwards for this guy, I even met him alone, because he said that is the only way he would be comfortable. We are both mad about that, but my husband blames me and solely me for this mess! I have SINCE cut off all contact with these guys.

I have told my husband we can stop the swinging. I have told my husband that he can go sleep with another woman that he wants. I don't care! I just want our marriage to be ok! He will not listen to me. He remains angry at me and is constantly bringing everything up, rehashing things, questioning my motives and my fidelity to him. I am so frustrated and I cry all the time now. I can't function. I want our marriage to work! But I can't get through to my husband!!! He seems to think that I should be able to **** just any guy, that I shouldnt have to be attracted to them! Also, he used to complain that I never really go into ******* the other guys so I changed and made a real effort and now he thinks I am all obsessed and in love with these guys. WHICH I AM NOT!!! How do I convince him and fix all of this? I feel backed into a corner.

Please someone help me!!!

Anneintherain 02-01-2013 02:57 AM

Solo & marriage counseling is about the only advice I have that doesn't involve just breaking up. He obviously has a lot of issues going on that he isn't dealing with in a healthy way, and I find it unlikely he's going to calm down and figure out what is actually bothering him without it.

GalaGirl 02-01-2013 04:22 AM

I will assume good intent despite the moniker so... I agree with counseling!

Has he told you what he needs from you behavior wise to help him through his jealousy? Is he wanting to work through his jealousy and let it go? Could this help? Page 5 and page 6 things?


This may be hard to hear. I apologize. :(

But you have a very controlling sounding spouse. Who does not view you as a PERSON but as a sex show producing THING. Those "sex shows" are for HIM to voyeur for HIS pleasure. Never mind your wants and needs as a person in there.
  • After having my child, I had difficulty getting back into the lifestyle. My husband was not happy with me, I felt different. (No consideration for new mom? New baby needs?)
  • He seems to think that I should be able to (have sex with) just any guy, that I shouldn't have to be attracted to them. (You are a sex machine he can turn on and off for his enjoyment?)
  • He used to complain that I never really go into (having sex with) the other guys (for his better viewing pleasure?) so I changed and made a real effort. Now he thinks I am all obsessed and in love with these guys. (Because that would put things OUT of his control?)
  • One of them had problems keeping it up, and my husband got mad about that.

Erectile dysfunction from "performance anxiety" is common enough in swinging. But your DH does not care -- he gets "mad" because he's not getting his sex show? Then the other guy is also not a person. The other guy is a THING too. I wonder if you meeting the one fellow ALONE is part of why your husband is having jealousy now? Because it was outside of his control?

This is a huge red flag to me. Is there other controlling behaviors that he does to you? I hope not. This is bad enough. :(

Please get yourself to counseling. And if it isn't moving to a healthier relationship? Leave. Remember you have a kid to protect and provide for.

I am sorry you are experiencing thing.


nycindie 02-01-2013 05:26 AM

I think you have stated your side of this very well here. Invite him to read it and maybe he will "get" where you're coming from.

He has no right to be angry, it seems. If anything, you are the one who has every right to be pissed off as hell at him - you felt pressured into it and did it to please him and now he is slapping you in the face with it and punishing you. It sounds like something triggered his reaction. (And now you know that it is better to stay true to yourself and not compromise your integrity and what you really want - or don't want - just to appease someone).

Therapy or counseling does sound like another good step to take.

Hrnycple 02-01-2013 03:17 PM

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I would like to seek therapy or counseling. My husband is reluctant as he does not think there are therapists out there that support the lifestyle?

Can someone please recommend a good counselor? We are in the PA area.

My husband is a really great guy. He is a good husband and father and in other aspects of our life he is wonderful. We are just having problems with this side of our marriage. We all have our issues (trust me, I have my share of issues!!!) , and I know he is no exception, it is just difficult convincing him that I am on his side and want to work this out. Am I fighting a losing battle?

Thank you again for your help.

Anneintherain 02-01-2013 04:15 PM


There are also some good threads about the subject here, I know Nycindie has posted a more comprehensive list in a couple of places.

kdt26417 02-02-2013 10:43 PM


... are a few other links you can try.

My impression is that your husband has been treating you very unfairly, and objectifying you and others. I would guess he has some heavy issues that are in dire need of help. It would be good if he would see a poly/swing-friendly counselor with you.

Moneypenny 02-04-2013 04:26 AM

Found something interesting....
The story you are telling here sounds a lot like this story from the man's point of view in this thread: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39876

Is mrblueeyesxxx your husband?

Hrnycple 02-04-2013 03:18 PM

Yes, that is my husband. Any advice?

mrblueeyesxxx 02-04-2013 05:47 PM

I am the husband referred to in the original post. I do believe that there are two sides to every story which is why I posted my own account of the situation. Contrary to what everyone has posted in reply to the thread, I really am a thoughtful person that is interested in having a great relationship. I am interested in objective opinions. That is why I posted my side of the story because I think there were some important details missing from the story. These types of relationships require open and honest communication. I appreciate your feedback.

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