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-   -   metamour influence (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3967)

LovingGirl 10-14-2010 04:31 PM

metamour influence
Hubby is dating a lady who is wonderful for him. We'll call her C. She is also married to D. The problem is that D seems to have a problem with Hubby, but won't say so. Outwardly he claims to support the relationship. Instead, he seems to be subtly influencing C to see problems where they didn't previously exist.

Example: Hubby talked to C about the possibility of him getting involved with someone else. She was fine with the idea. Later, she talks to D about it, and the next time Hubby mentions it, it upsets her.

This has happened more than once. It doesn't seem to be getting less frequent. I don't know how to deal with the drama. We spend time with these people socially. Hubby consults me for advice when problems arise. I don't know what to tell him, other than to keep communicating with her. It just doesn't seem right that he has to put out fires he didn't start.

How do you deal with a metamour that causes second-hand drama?

Ariakas 10-14-2010 04:51 PM

Well I can see this a couple of ways. And while you might see it as drama it could be someone concerned. Could he be doing this because her NRE is getting in the way of seeing the potentials. Its amazing how high someone can float without seeing the forest through the trees or hell even sometimes trees. Trying to help your spouse stay level headed, while it might appear to be drama intended, may not be the worst thing

I am prone to do this. While I am not saying "don't do this or that or the other thing" (I really don't have many rules in the scheme of things). I will lay out information as I see it and let her digest it. She is strong enough to confront the situation directly, and each of my concerns or potential yellow lights have been proven wrong. I also see things differently than she does, so we do discuss our points of views on things often. We share this info back and forth.

In your example, for example, what is the specific reasons D brought turned it into a yellow flag. Protection, condoms, going to swing clubs?...Are they legit reasons or concerns?

Yes, you could see that as drama induced, but it could be healthy too.

MonoVCPHG 10-14-2010 06:05 PM


Originally Posted by LovingGirl (Post 48721)

Example: Hubby talked to C about the possibility of him getting involved with someone else. She was fine with the idea. Later, she talks to D about it, and the next time Hubby mentions it, it upsets her.

I think this is a great example of a very valid concern. Every partner that your hubby adds to his life is essentitally another partner that D is sleeping with by proxy. That goes on deeper as everyone that this new partner has slept with could also have an effect on D.

My guess is that perhaps C did not ask enough questions about this new partner and therefore cannot provide enough information to make D feel safe for himself as well as his wife. The more extended your constellation becomes, the more at risk everyone is ...it's just a numbers game.

I would have concerns if Redpepper hooked up with a woman who slept with a lot of people, engaged in casual sex, or was a swinger. It would affect my safety and therefore could potentially change the nature of our sex life..i.e no more fluid bonding or at the extreme, no more sex at all.

LovingGirl 10-14-2010 07:38 PM

While I agree with and understand what are valid sexual concerns, they don't necessarily apply here. Hubby doesn't have casual sex. He isn't even currently having sex with C. We have known this couple for years, and have actually each been involved with them romantically before, so they are well aware of our sexual practices. (Of the four of us, D is probably the least concerned with sexual safety.)

I wasn't party to the D-C conversation, so I can't really say what happened between them. I can say that the concern C came back with was that she might be pushed aside. The potential addition in question is ALSO someone who has been in our lives for years. C has known about this other relationship and its status the entire time. I don't see this as a logical problem, but an emotional one.

As to the NRE, and its possible effects, I can't say. In general, she is the more level-headed between them but... NRE does funny things.

If it makes any difference, these are all D/s relationships. D and Hubby are D-types, while C, myself, and the other girl are all s-types with regards to Hubby.

redpepper 10-15-2010 07:25 AM

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3626 might have something on it for you. I can't remember, but I am hoping.

Metamours are tricky. If you get ones that you are compatible with then I think that that is good luck. We don't get to pick them, they just come with the territory. For me the foundation to poly, besides honest communication and respect is also having this with metamours. When we need them to be as such it's so important that we can rely on that. We also have to be the same way.

I would suggest being what you want your metamours to be. Talk to them openly and honestly about your expectations that they are also open and honest with you and that you also expect that they be respectful to all involved. That includes making sure there are no items left to talk about...

Then I would ask them if there is any issues or concerns that they think need to be addressed...

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