Total newcomer, need some insight...
I need some help, I only have one friend close enough to talk about this with.
It all started with a slightly peculiar conversation with my wife...
We were discussing threesomes, and who we would have if we did. The topic came to one girl in particular, because we both knew I had a crush on her, though we hadn't mutually acknowledged it prior to then.
I'd briefly considered an affair with her, but it was easily dismissed. I love my wife with all of my heart and I wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize our marriage.
So back to the discussion, basically we were both aware of how I felt about the other girl. My wife is pretty sexually adventurous, but not really interested in a three some. To make a long story short, we talked a bit about if it would be okay for me to go out and "play" with the girl.
To be clear, I'm not emotionally attracted to the girl - she's just a good friend that I'm really sexually attracted to. I could never see myself with her in any kind of committed relationship or anything like that - my wife is where it's at.
So...we've been talking on and off about it. It was surprising to me that she was relatively open to the idea (it wasn't my plan at all), and she seems pretty open to it now - but I have two problems.
First, I just can't convince myself that she's really alright with it. I still feel like I'd be wronging my wife, even if she told me to go out and "have a good time."
Second, and perhaps more or less trivially, I'm not 100% sure this girl is actually that interested in me. I suspect she is, and from what I can tell there's been a lot of sexual tension between us - but me being married, she's never been particularly overt. We flirt quite a bit, and we hang out a lot, mostly with my wife around, and occasionally not.
So the question is, assuming we go forward, how how do I have this discussion with the girl? I've run it through my head a million ways and the best thing I can think of is to just ask her if she has any feelings for me - if so, we can continue the conversation, and if not, I can tell her I was "just checking," to put my wife at ease (or something like that.)
Any comments? I need help!
I have a few comments.
First, I had a suggestion: flirt with her in front of your wife (if your wife is fine with that). If you kiss her, do it while your wife is around, etc. It would then be obvious to her that your wife is okay with it.
It would be awkward, but less awkward than a "is he cheating?" situation.
Secondly, you wanted to ask if she had feelings for you, and only go ahead if she said yes... But you don't have feelings for her, you only want sex. It seems unfair to me to lead her on if she does has feelings for you.
It's important that you're clear with her that you only want sex, not a romantic relationship.
And finally, what if you do develop feelings for her later? Is your wife okay with that as well? That's a common problem, I hear, some swingers develop feelings with a playmate and are introduced to polyamory that way. Unfortunately it can also cause a lot of hurt. Some people are fine with the sexual aspect, but not with the emotional one at all. Check with your wife exactly where she is standing so you can be sure.
Thanks for the response.
1. That's a good suggestion, and I have flirted with her in the past around my wife - I think she was aware of how I felt, but never held it against me. I "am" hyper-sexed, I suppose, and she understands that pretty well. My wife and I have been married 3 years, but together for just shy of 10.
Re: kissing, that's probably a good idea - but I'm not sure how to get to that point from basically friends with sexual tension. And I'm not sure she's interested, although I guess there's only one way to find out... In the previous example, I assumed I would just say, "Wife and I talked about this, and it's all alright." Now that you mention it though, I suppose it would make it clearer (she could figure I was lying...who knows.)
I could probably fool around a little bit with both of them in the room, but I'm not sure where to go from there - my wife is pretty clearly not interested in a threesome. Maybe it would just be to kind of bring her slowly on board to the idea?
2. I probably used the wrong words. Feelings are complicated, of course, but I can say with certainty that what I'm talking about is 100% sexual attraction. I could go on, but suffice to say there's enough about her that I'm in no way interested in any other form of relationship - part of the reason why I think it might work. What I meant by feelings was if she's attracted to me sexually, basically.
I guess the way I have envisioned it, it would just be a FwB thing, for fun, maybe until she finds a steady boyfriend (it's....ironic that I'm her go-to wingman for picking up guys, I seem to have a knack for chatting folks up.) Something like, "Hey if you're jonesing, we can hook up, no questions asked, and if not, absolutely no worries."
I should also add that my wife and I were both virgins when we met and to this day we're each our "one and only's" ...when we were talking we both expressed regret that we've never had ANY other partners.
3. Obviously I can't predict the future, but I have no interest in a full poly relationship, I just want some fun with a friend I trust. From what I can tell, my wife is actually okay to the idea of the sex, just like you said. Neither of us would be okay with an emotional involvement, and I know for a fact that I don't want one.
My wife made the comparison that "it's not much different than watching porn." and that's kind of how I feel about it.
Would love to hear what you have to say.
I think Tonberry hit on many of the points (and cautions) that came immediately to my mind too.
It IS a slippery slope. Once you start there's all kinds of directions it could drift. Some of those could be wonderful - some could be disaster.
Maybe the most important thing to remember - and plan for - is that if you and she really clicked in bed, more than likely you'll both want it to continue. And THAT is when it get's tricky.
I don't know your wife. And maybe there's these type of pieces YOU don't know either. Fantasy is one thing - reality often different. We might think it would be all innocent fun. And maybe, if it were a total stranger at some place we'd never see again - it could be. Doesn't sound like the case here.
IS your wife a 'thinker' type ? Maybe you should engage the thinker about all the directions this could take. Then see how she feels.
I also like what Tonberry suggested about a kiss when all together. Not just a little peck. A nice long,deep tongue kiss, groping hands etc. THEN see how we all feel about it ?
Your wife might well be the type to want to offer you something hot for a little variation. I can be a good feeling to do this for someone you love. But you need to play the part out to the extreme - because there's no telling it won't go there once you start. The sex chemistry. The love that might develop. More of a full sharing in each other's lives. Play the scenerio out to the max and all see how it feels.
Just in case............
Thanks, good advice.
One thing I really didn't consider at all is, where it could lead. I just assumed it would be easy to pull the plug on things.
My wife is complicated, I guess...maybe you can help me with this...
She's never been very adventurous past the standard items, but she's always been a good lover, and has always satisfied my needs, within reason (I've been unsatisfied before, but I understand that it's me with the hyper-drive; I'd say her sex drive is good too, but not like mine...I guess I'm just saying I've never held it against her...)
Now, there are two things - 1., she's sought help for some (albeit fairly mild) depression. Been on meds for some time now, and she's doing great, basically back to the person I fell in love with. 2. I've noticed that since I was getting a little more flirty with my friend, she's been more sexually attentive. I figure either she's a little jealous and trying to get my interest back where it belongs, OR, she just likes the idea of me being "in demand..." or maybe a combination of both.
I bring up the meds b/c I can't be sure there isn't a correlation there, too. There probably is. She's been significantly happier and more confident on them. For what it's worth.
So confused...we're having the friend over this weekend, not sure if I should try to get anything started or not. Probably not.
I think a very important thing would be to choose your words carefully. Here you said you'd ask her if she had feelings for you. It meant something to you, I read it as something different. If you had phrased it that way with her, it could have ended badly.
I think using words like "are you attracted to me" or something would be better. Also, try to be clear from the get go that you do not have feelings for her beyond friendship and aren't expecting them to develop. Or even that you don't want them to develop.
It might seem a but weird and awkward to talk about that, but you do want things to be very clear with her, as she could have misconceptions.
Also, you might want to ask yourself... What if she does have feelings for you? What then? Do you still pursue the relationship for the sex aspect only, or do you drop it? What if she has no feelings now but develops them later?
It's good to think of different scenarios that might arise. This way if they do you're prepared. If they don't, good!
You could keep flirting with your friend while she's over, maybe try going a little further. I agree it's hard to know step by step what to do, since it's often more like one big leap... But it's usually best to improvise on the moment rather than plan every little action. It's more natural.
How do I have sex with her? Many, many ways :)
But yea, I see what you're saying. And being a little clear and business-like is sort of how I was planning on approaching it. You make a good point about being clear with the language, too.
If she really had feelings for me, I would have to call it off. It wouldn't be fair to her, and she's a good friend, I actually want her to meet someone cool - I'm just thinking of occupying her time (just a teency bit) while she's on the hunt, for fun. If she developed feelings, I'd have to nix it. Just say, we're friends, that's it.
Thanks for talking this out with me...it's a great help, you have no idea. Well, you do, but you understand...
This thread has one big red flag on it for me. Maybe because you are not describing yourself as poly? Maybe because all I see us your selfish want to fuck your friend? Sorry, it just doesn't sit well for me. I am glad that you are thinking of others other than yourself (excuse me your cock). At least that is promising.
I hear you when you say this woman is a good friend. I hear you when you say you will just back away if emotions get sticky. I hear you when you say that you just want to fuck ... But what does that say to her? What does that say to your wife about her worth as a sexual woman.
As a woman who has been used in this way, it says, "you are worth nothing to me other than the hole between you legs." presented any other way and it still adds up to that. You want to masterbate in her. Yup, I agree with your wife, watch some porn and you will create less damage. She is your friend. She trusts you, relies on you and appreciates your help where men are concerned. You will likely jepordize all that and add to her lack of self worth and cause her to distrust men.
Your wife is leading the way on this it seems. Fuck her senseless and use it to better your relationship. She sounds just awesome to me. Why wreck it. Why not enhance. That is what my poly is about anyways; enhancing love, and creating more, not creating less and pushing it for a fuck.
That being said; if you had mentioned love in there for one moment! I would have a world of ideas for you, but you haven't and have said you are not interested in poly. I'm sorry, but unless there is some change to your feelings about her then I don't have anything for you.
Welllll, as it seems to go, Mono thinks I have been too aggressive. I likely have come across that way and if so then I apologize. I am blunt and passionate about things sometimes and it comes across as aggressive to others who don't know me. I'm sure you are a good guy, I just forget that people have not lived what I have and can see my concern as judgement. I am not judging, I am trying to save your friend from possible heartbreak if you and her decide to get it on without thought. I know you and her are not me and I know that I only know part of the story. It might go swimmingly and if it does then that is awesome. I hope that regardless of that I have at least given you some food for thought. All the best and good luck :)
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