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-   -   i need help relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39608)

roshola 01-30-2013 08:14 PM

i need help relationship
 
My wife and I were looking for a girl to be in a relationship with as equal partners. We found a girl--kinda sorta. She wants to wait three months before she decides whether or not she can handle being with a couple. I understand that.

My wife and I like her and she likes us both; however, she is more into women due to things that happened in the past and every time we hang out I kind of feel like a third wheel. I don't know if I'm being dumb or what--I'm new to this and could use some advice.

BoringGuy 01-30-2013 08:20 PM

Punctuation is your friend.

roshola 01-30-2013 08:22 PM

My spelling and gramer is not the point here

bassman 01-30-2013 11:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by roshola (Post 181837)
My wife and I were looking for a girl to be in a relation ship with, as equal partners, and we found a girl, kinda ,sorta. She wants to wait three months before she decides whether or not she can handle being with a couple, and I understand that.
But my wife and I like her, and she likes us. However, she is more into women do to things (with?)

In the past, and every time we hang out. I kind of feel like a third wheel.

I don't know if I'm being dumb or what, but I'm new to this and could use some advice

There, I fixed it for you as best I could :-)

Now - welcome to the forum, you are in the right place, and I hope some peeps on here will start to help.

I have a feeling you are in the UK! Are you?

ThatGirlInGray 01-30-2013 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by roshola (Post 181840)
My spelling and gramer is not the point here

No, but if you want advice people need to be able to read your post. I can't get through it enough to tell what the problem is, so I'm unable to offer help.

Marcus 01-31-2013 02:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by roshola (Post 181837)
My wife and I were looking for a girl to be in a relation ship with, as equal partners, and we found a girl, kinda ,sorta. She wants to wait three months before she decides whether or not she can handle being with a couple, and I understand that.
But my wife and I like her, and she likes us. However, she is more into women do to things (with?)

In the past, and every time we hang out. I kind of feel like a third wheel.

I don't know if I'm being dumb or what, but I'm new to this and could use some advice

You don't get to decide the interest level of your partners. It sounds like the new girl you two found isn't really into you. I get that is something of a disappointment to you but you certainly don't want to do anything like "figure out how to get her to be interested" in you. You want to let her be who she is. Let she and your wife enjoy the good times :)

If you're polyamorous you have the advantage of being able to seek getting your desires fulfilled elsewhere.

AutumnalTone 01-31-2013 03:03 AM

I'll hallucinate that you think the new girl is going to be into you and your wife equally. As mentioned above, that's not necessarily going to be the case. Indeed, it will likely *not* be the case.

So, I'll suggest asking the new girl what sort of relationship she wants to have with *you* and what sort of relationship she wants to have with *your wife*. What she wants could be very different, especially if she has a strong mistrust of men to work through.

GalaGirl 01-31-2013 07:39 AM

I think I get it, but let me repeat it back so I know I'm on the right page here:

Quote:

My wife and I met a woman. She wants to wait 3 mos before deciding if she can handle dating a couple simultaneously. I understand that.

While my wife and I both like her a lot, the woman is more into women than men. In the past when we hang out as a trio of new friends, I feel like a third wheel and left out. (I assume you guys are trying to hang out as friends here. Am I wrong? She is not actually dating your wife already right? :confused:)

How do I best handle my "third wheel" sorts of feelings here?
You could discern if you are being left out in actuality or in your perceived reality.

If in actuality and they are doing "left out" behaviors toward you? You could ask your wife and the woman to include you in the conversation or activity so you can participate too. Whenever DH and I get engrossed in grown up talk that is boring (ex: dealing with paying bills) my kid is very clear when she pipes up.

"Excuse me. I do not understand what you are talking about. Could we change the topic to something I can participate in? I feel left out."


Which just slays me because... well. There it is! Crystal clear. Out of the mouth of babes -- and I wish more adults could be willing to just state it up front like that.

If it is in your "perceived reality" because they have a natural rapport and their friendship banter runs smoother/faster than your own natural pace? Like they are not leaving you out of the conversation or anything but you FEEL awkward or left out because your friend making skills are in another speed?
  • You could work on your friend making skills.
  • You could ask the woman to spend time with you alone, to deepen the friendship you and her.
  • You could ask your wife if she could spend time with her alone to deepen the friend with her and new friend.
  • AND you could spend time in trio learning how to work the overlapping friendships in that configuration when you are out together.

It takes time to learn the "new normal."

Could you be jealous? That the woman already has said she inclines toward romances with women than with men. So your wife, by virtue of being a woman, has a slightly better chance than you at a romantic relationship here? The woman could still say "No, I do not want to explore a triad thing with a couple at this time. But she could counteroffer with "I would prefer a "V" shape at this time with the wife as the hinge. Would you both be willing for that shape?"

You will have to deal with that possibility at that time. could read about jealousy NOW though, to deal with your current feelings and consider what the future could bring or not. And talk to your wife if a "V" thing is something you both could participate willingly in or if that counteroffer would have to be a "no thanks, let's just be friends" or a "we will need 3 mos to think that over" or what. You are responsible for your own preparedness.

If other things are bothering you? You could elaborate here on what it is you feel or think about the situation and why you are feeling/thinking that. You could ask for feedback to help you discern if what you experience sounds like "actuality" things or "perceived reality" things.

HTH!
Galagirl


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