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-   -   Sticky Question, hope you can help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3960)

newbee86 10-13-2010 06:11 PM

Sticky Question, hope you can help
 
I am pretty new to all of this, I went from being a swinger, to having an exclusive poly relationship to having an open poly relationship with "Bob" and "Nancy".

I have been seeing "Bob" for about 5 years and Nancy is a new addition to our relationship. A year ago, my job moved me 4 hours away and shortly after Bob started seeing Nancy. My move put all the unwanted strain of a long distance relationship on Bob and I. Not so much that we were having difficulties, but I felt that we were becoming distant and he asked me a couple of months ago if I would be comfortable meeting Nancy and if I would be open to him making her his other girlfriend. After some deliberation, I agreed.

As this change was taking place, I also met a delightful young lady and developed a casual sexual relationship with her.

As time is passing I hear from Bob less and less, and see him even less often.

He recently texted me and told me that he had herpes. Number 1, I felt disrespected that he didn't call me, as this is a HUGE conversation that needs to be had. I have scheduled testing for myself, (though once we started adding partners I insisted we use protection), but I am having mixed emotions.

I don't know if I want to continue our relationship, not so much in a emotional sense but in a sexual sense. I don't really know what to feel. I honestly don't think I want to risk contracting the virus as it is so unpredictable. I love this man, maybe less than I used to as time and distance has separated us. I don't want him to think that I find him disgusting or that I don't feel for him any more, but the risk just seems too high.

Is it time to call it quits and just suggest a more friendly relationship? I know he'd be understanding that I don't want to continue a sexual relationship, but I almost feel like I am betraying him. It must sound stupid. I don't really know what to do.

marksbabygirl 10-13-2010 06:33 PM

This is a sensitive subject for me.

50-80% of the population has or has been exposed to HSV1 or HSV2 in their lifetime.

It presents as genital herpes or oral herpes (aka cold sores)

Most of those exposed to the viruses have the virus already in their bodies and don't know it - aka aysmptomatic carriers.

The herpes virus lives not only around the mouth, and on the genitals but also on other parts of the body.

Also related to herpes is the chickenpox virus and the shingles virus.

There are supression therapies available - my doctor has cited zero transmission between monogamous couples where one partner has HSV and the other doesn't over 3-4 years who use the supression therapies.

Herpes, while a frustrating virus - is more prevalent than people think - and only with a blood test can one be certain that they don't have the virus already.

Don't ostracize him. He probably already feels badly - and regardless of how personally squicked you are - communicating that with him will damage him and your relationship with him.

SourGirl 10-13-2010 06:52 PM

I wouldn`t be to upset over the text vs. phone.

Least he told you, plus it doesn`t mean the phone conversation won`t happen. view the text as a 'ice breaker' for him.


I have a different view on the Herpes thing.

My dumbass (I love him to bits, but he made the dumbest mistake ever.) husband had sex without protection last night. He`s messed up having any sex with me for a very long time, until I see a few clear tests in a row.

If my own husband has to suck it up, and realize the consequence of his actions, then I would expect a boyfriend, or anyone else to.

Maybe as time goes on, and you feel more educated by his doctor, and him, you will find a path that you can create, where you feel safe with intimacy. I don`t however, think you should feel pressure to not hurt his feelings, until you feel you have all the facts on his personal affliction with it. Everyones body handles and deals with disease differently.


The more open and honest he is, the more power you will have in decision making.

Good luck.

Ariakas 10-13-2010 07:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newbee86 (Post 48589)
He recently texted me and told me that he had herpes. Number 1, I felt disrespected that he didn't call me, as this is a HUGE conversation that needs to be had. I have scheduled testing for myself, (though once we started adding partners I insisted we use protection), but I am having mixed emotions.

I would agree, I think things like this should be spoken. At the very least a text saying you need to talk about something important. Thats my take anyways.

Quote:

I don't know if I want to continue our relationship, not so much in a emotional sense but in a sexual sense. I don't really know what to feel. I honestly don't think I want to risk contracting the virus as it is so unpredictable. I love this man, maybe less than I used to as time and distance has separated us. I don't want him to think that I find him disgusting or that I don't feel for him any more, but the risk just seems too high.
You have every right to protect yourself, educate yourself and decide what the risk means to you. :)

Quote:

Is it time to call it quits and just suggest a more friendly relationship? I know he'd be understanding that I don't want to continue a sexual relationship, but I almost feel like I am betraying him. It must sound stupid. I don't really know what to do.
No one can tell you that. You need to figure out what the weight of the relationship is vs the risk you potentially have vs what you want. :)...its a tough balancing act.


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