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-   -   Depressed--this is long (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3956)

jcatx 10-13-2010 03:40 PM

Depressed--this is long
Ok, I had posted on here before and things have been....going...I am the one who wants to open things up and my husband seemed fine at first with me having a girlfriend, and I also disclosed that I had a crush on his friend.. but right now I am completely smitten by this male friend of his. He has been on and off about us talking online and over the phone--he lives several hours away--Just that crazy feeling you get with someone at first. Though some could call it being 'in love' I know I do not love him as I do my husband since he has seen me through thick and thin over the last 3 years and he sees all my flaws..I suppose I have been talking to this man since August and I am really excited to go on a date with him and I desire intimacy with him...I am totally honest about stuff with my husband but it seems the more I talk about it the more he panics..I have tried to be more giving with him sexually, attention wise, etc.--though I feel our sex life has always been good..He just can't seem to understand that I need more than him in my life in this way. And I know he has tried..Meanwhile I can understand how he feels the way he does but I just wonder if I can be what he wants me to be? Also at the same time when we talk about it I feel so guilty and bad about myself. He is an amazing husband and I am so lucky to have him and I'm just being greedy maybe, and am I being selfish? All this stuff runs thru my head..I am trying to figure out where all of this will lead. we have a two year old together and no I would never leave even if I were unhappy unless the environment were harming our child..I am studying Buddhism and consider myself as such..basically I feel that it is wrong to get what I want ever at his expense. And so if the light bulb never turns on in his head I am afraid that ultimately we will simply exist together and I feel that a part of me will die and how can our relationship grow if I feel he can't understand or accept me as I am? :(:(:(:(

SNeacail 10-13-2010 04:48 PM

3 months is really not alot of time to be able to wrap your head around the fact that your spouse wants to see other people. This is major life change, that has huge implications for everyone. It's not something that can just be sprung on a person and then immediately acted upon.

jcatx 10-13-2010 04:53 PM

Yeah, I agree..but is it likely that if someone feels so strongly against it they would completely change their mind given more time? Any other mono people here at first were completely against it?

MonoVCPHG 10-13-2010 09:52 PM


Originally Posted by jcatx (Post 48566)
Yeah, I agree..but is it likely that if someone feels so strongly against it they would completely change their mind given more time? Any other mono people here at first were completely against it?

I doubt if anyone could completely change thier mind if they are starting so far away to begin with. I think hoping for a healthy acceptance would be more reasonable to expect. The keyword being "healthy". The state of "tolerating" or "putting up with" something like this would almost certainly be draining on both partners I would think. Only a person who is co-dependant or has external concerns like children or a comfy house would likely find longetivity with someone if they are only "tolerating" how they are.

Just my two cents:o

redpepper 10-14-2010 06:44 AM

I wonder if he thinks this is all just frivolous fun for you and is in some denial that you are finding yourself with real feelings. Maybe he is just opening up to the fact that you are able to love more than one. Maybe he thought that your desire for this man would die out by now. Maybe he is thinking it still will.

I think I would wonder if this was all real myself. On line flirting and relationships are different than in real life. You are a woman that has a 2 year old. I remember what that was like. I had no life other than baby and was dieing for some attention. I was ripe for the picking for on line romance and sex. things changed when I actually met the person I was flirting with.... that doesn't always happen, but it can and when you want something to be something SO bad, sometimes it looks good on paper and not in real life.

Perhaps taking this with a grain of salt and waiting to see what happens would be helpful. What would you have to lose....? You could buy some time with this guy and not be so intense about it all with your partner. Who knows, in time he might warm up to it and with a whole lot of strategizing about how it would work for both of you, you could try it all on for size.

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