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-   -   New trinogamous relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39513)

anya1991 01-29-2013 07:44 PM

New trinogamous relationship
i recently started a trinogamous relationship with my boyfriend and his ex girlfriend. He loves both of very much and so do we, so we decided totry it out. I like her aswell even though it hasn't been long i still have an emotionally and romantic attachment to her. My problem is he cheated on both of us and lied to both about one another. Its hard enough to work on this with trust issues, but not only that I feel like if im just there for no purposes. He says he loves me and wants me there that he cannot live without me, He had fallen inlove with me and cannot stand to think of me with someone else, except our girlfriend. I told him I thought it was best for me to leave the trino, yet he wont budge, he doesnt want to be with either one alone, he wants us both or none because he feels like he wont be complete without the other. We are all quite young and very new to this. I feel like sometimes leaving so they can be happy and be a normal couple without the risk of jealousy and resentment, but he just doesnt want to let either of us go and as much as I want to leave sometimes i find myself wrapped in there arms at night because those two are the best thing that ever happened to me. I dont want to grow to resent my boyfriend, does anyone have any advice on how to take the steps into transitioning to a clean slate for the three of us since this is a new relationship for all three?? I could really use some feed back.
P.S. Thank you all for this website and stories, makes me feel very much accepted into this new way of intimacy and love.

learninginTN 01-29-2013 08:15 PM

Welcome to the forum! You've done a very smart thing by coming here, as you'll find veterans that will give you wonderful advice. They'll be along shortly. I'm not going to do that right now, because this situation is so different than mine, but in the meantime, read all of information of this site that you can, including the FAQ's and Golden Nuggets.

And remember to take care of yourself, including getting plenty of sleep, eating right, drinking plenty of water, and excersizing.

anya1991 01-29-2013 08:45 PM

Thank you for your well wishes, I did what any other lost human being would do, ask for some sort of direction, I have never considered the possibility of a trinagomous relationship, yet we are coinciding in one. This is a very very new relationship, and hopefully with the help of everyone here, my boyfriend, my girlfriend and I can all learn discuss and get acquainted with it. There is also a surge of jealous that manifests in me when I think of the situation, particularly because I am coming from a monogamous way of living into a poly way of understanding, I hope people can give me their insists in how to deal with that and on letting the past go and officially embark on a fresh clean triad way of living.

To All who might read and reply, I really do appreciate any thoughts and insights.

kdt26417 01-30-2013 12:43 AM

Hi anya1991,
Welcome to our forum.


"Does anyone have any advice on how to take the steps into transitioning to a clean slate for the three of us since this is a new relationship for all three?"
Alas, I know of no way to clean the slate (shy of a lobotomy). The relationship was started and no matter how messy it was in the beginning, that part will remain in your memory, and you will have to process it.

I just know that many relationships get easier a little at a time, as time goes on. You have to get better at communicating with each other, find peace (and a healthy level of independence) within yourselves as individuals, and learn by trial and error what tips and tricks work with each other.

Hopefully your boyfriend will be more honest from now on. Also, try not to rush anything. Take time to appreciate all that you have with each other in the here and now.

Keep reading and posting any thoughts or questions you may have.

Glad to have you aboard,
Kevin T.

anya1991 02-13-2013 05:01 PM

so far everything has been come and go. We have had spats that seem endless and making up that seems sweet like honey. Me and my girfriend are now becoming closer, its hard still but are feelings are mutual and in the midst of it I ant help but to feel intoxicated but her love. our boyfriend is trying hard as we both are too. It very difficult but its true what they say communication and honetsy and trust are the key items to hold us firmly together. Im starting to think of it not as a loss but a gain. I gained a wonderfull girlfriend in this process, and hopefully it will be like this for decades to come. I do get worried. Worried that it will just vanish, worried that I will wake up and they both will be gone. But I think for now, I will just sit back and enjoy this wonderful feeling of love that surrounds me from both of their sides.

kdt26417 02-13-2013 11:23 PM

Never regret love. It is a treasure in the memory, long after the loved one has vanished.

Having said that, I think the prognosis for your triad is good, and that the three of you will probably stay together. It's important to remember that relationships -- especially poly relationships -- tend to be quite a roller-coaster ride in the early years. The highs are great, but the lows really suck. You have to have patience and faith, always practicing improved communication, looking forward to the time where things will level out (on a high, comfortably ascending level), and the turbulence of the past will become a harmless memory.

You have the right idea. Bask in the goodness of this moment, here and now. We can never go back to the past, we can just be glad that we appreciated the good things that were there.

I am pulling for you and wishing you the best.
Kevin T.

anya1991 03-07-2013 07:55 PM

Thannk you
Thank you for the support, so far still rocky going on our second month all together. Its alittle frightening because she has made him choose a few times, it hurts my feelings because I know initially she pictured this as a rendezvous and she and him would continue on without me, yet he has firmly planted his feet on the ground and has continously said this isnt just a flling he loves me as much as her and will not be leaving me, he has expressed to her if she wants to leave then she can but he will not be leaving me for her. it saddens me and i have since retracted alot of emotions, i have become colder to both of my partners because im afraid if i show him affection her jealousy will surely cast a dark cloud and im afraid of opening my heart to her more and her rejecting me as a lover after i have fallen completely head over heels. Ive tried countless times to leave in hopes they can work it out without me but my boyfriend says he cannot be in a monogamous relationship with her, and he wouldnt be able to get over me. after all this we have done well more open communication and more activities done together chores at home are balanced monetary duties are up to date and we are even starting to go to the gym together. Hopefully this summer people will see us three together and be proud of us as a unit a trouple!:D I look forward to many more comments and opinions from anyone else. Thank you all for your warm thoughts and positive feed back and sorry for disappearing my birthday passed and i tried to make the best out of it with the ups and downs weve been having, yes it is difficult but an expirience none the less.

Stevenjaguar 03-10-2013 06:45 AM

I've got a bad feeling about this. I'm hearing he's getting what he wants, and she's not getting what she wants, and neither are you. Is this right?

For your relationship to work you all have to be getting at least most of what you want and it doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe it would help to have everybody say what they want and see if it can work. Sometimes it can't. (Then he's not going to get what he wants)

anya1991 03-10-2013 03:32 PM

I understand
For me I'm content it seems like she's letting her guard down and has just been afraid to let go of her fears and just love. It has gotten much better I'm just scared on day she will wake up and really say this isn't for me I tried but it's not what I want she says it's because she's new to this I have been with a woman before so I have explored this side of me. He is also afraid this doesn't work if it doesn't monogamy with me is what he will continue if she isn't able to love openly because I do have feelings and from what I see her too. I just hope it's not an illusion and more of a definite. Thanks for the opinion ions and concerns I will report how our progress is doing, so far getting along communicating and doing things as three, I hope this last more than a week or two because its starting to feeling like a true relationship.

kdt26417 03-10-2013 07:32 PM

It doesn't sound like things are perfect, but it sounds like they're improving overall. I'm rooting for you to have a long and happy poly relationship in the long run.

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