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-   -   Telling people (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3950)

NeutralGenius 10-13-2010 01:27 AM

Telling people
So, I've told my friends and pretty much anyone who listens that I've got a boyfriend and a girlfriend. My friends are all pretty cool about it. They get a little confused sometimes about it, but that's fine.

However, I want to tell my parents.

My father I'm not worried about anything bad happening. He's ok with the fact I'm pansexual and just wants me to be happy as long as what I'm doing is legal. However, I can't tell him anything just yet because he might tell my mother.

Now, my mother isn't someone I can tell everything to. A lot of my relationships in the past have been kept secret from her because I knew she would tell me I can't date regardless of how nice the person was. Also, she has been one of the main causes of my depression. She's also very controlling and over protective. She seems to believe that she's right and you're wrong and you have to do things her way (the controlling thing again).

In the past, she's been upset about my dating girls because she thought I was being influenced by people. During the past couple of years, though, she has seemed to have accepted that I'm not straight and just wants me to be safe.

Last year, we had a talk about my sex life which has been inactive up until I met my boyfriend in person (we met on a dating website). My mother said something along the lines of once I'm 18 I'm allowed to have sex and she doesn't want to hear about if I get pregnant blah blah blah. She seems to have backed off a bit on her rules now that I'm legally an adult. However, I'm not sure if she was serious about the sex/relationship thing or not.

So I sent her off an e-mail asking if it I could date whoever I please. I'm waiting for a reply.

But, I just don't know if I should tell them. I want to, really, because I already know they like my girlfriend (they think she's a friend) and I know they'd like my boyfriend. Gah. What to do?

ray 10-13-2010 03:23 AM

Telling the parents can be difficult. Hence why I haven't broached the subject with my. very conservative parents. So my being bisexual and dating a married man and maybe being involved with his wife would raise some eyebrows for sure. Also they still financially support me in part while I finish school, so for now, I try not to piss them off. If you still live with them and they support you, I would consider how telling them (your mother) about that may change their willingness to continue to do so. And while I think that coming out is valuable, sometimes it is more prudent to just not say anything. Maybe for you, it will be better to tell them. It's good to be honest. I would just think through the possibilities and decide what's most important to you.

Tonberry 10-13-2010 03:24 AM


Originally Posted by NeutralGenius (Post 48459)
So I sent her off an e-mail asking if it I could date whoever I please. I'm waiting for a reply.

Why do you need her permission? Do you live with your parents? If so, that does sound tricky, but you could still plan to move out and be able to keep seeing your boyfriend and girlfriend. If not, then of course it's good to be in good term with one's parents, but it's not their place to say who you can or can't date. (It's not anyways, but if you live with them they can restrict who gets to visit you, or could even potentially kick you out if they wanted).

redpepper 10-13-2010 03:30 AM

I don't really see a need for parents to know... mind you I'm 40 and they really are just people in my mind that I have to deal with and them me. Not that I don't love them, but we just are now. When I was younger I told them stuff and caused them minor heart attacks for no reason other than I thought it was my duty to say because that is what we are taught as kids. I don't think they needed to know details of my life unless it meant that they would be involved.

If it were me I would wait until I knew that they would have to be involved somehow.

There has been a lot on coming out on here so you could do some searching through tags and stickies to find out what others think. Really it comes down to you and your relationship with your parents....

ray 10-13-2010 03:37 AM

I like how you phrased that about parents not needing to know everything, RP! Being a young'un myself, I know I've recently been trying to get over feeling obligated to disclose everything to them. Honestly, I've come to the conclusion that it's really none of their business. So, to Neutral Genius, keep in mind there's nothing wrong with your dating life being yours and not their's.

NeutralGenius 10-13-2010 03:39 AM

Yes, I'm still living with my parents, but I'm supporting my self financially. The option to move out, at this point in time, is not an option. I'm no where near ready to move out nor do I have a car that could transport me to school and other places. Plus, the social security checks I get wouldn't be enough to cover rent, car expenses, and food. I have considered moving in with my boyfriend, however, we just started dating and his roommate just moved out so I don't really want to intrude on his space.

I've been told multiple times I won't be kicked out and my mother keeps saying I should do college online so I can live at home. That, however, doesn't appeal to me because of my rocky relationship with her.

The reason I want to tell them is because I've lied to them so much in the past about who I've been dating and I'm really tired of going behind their backs to see my boyfriend and girlfriend. I have a feeling that if they found out about the sneaking around to see them then the shit would massively hit the fan and I'd be in more trouble than if I told them.

ray 10-13-2010 03:48 AM

If they don't intend to kick you out that makes it a little easier. It seems like with the two options you're presenting, you don't seem to be thrilled about either. Either you tell them and suffer because your mom doesn't approve or you don't tell them and feel guilty of not being transparent and you have to sneak around (which is exhausting). You also don't sound like you love living at home. Maybe you can't move out right away but could you maybe look for a job and start saving? IMO if you didn't live at home, the sneaking part would be moot and telling them might be easier since you wouldn't have to be with them 24/7. Definitely sounds wise that you're not jumping into moving in with your bf. Ultimately, you will know what will make you happiest. :)

redpepper 10-13-2010 03:54 AM

you are a grown up no? Why are you feeling guilty about not telling them. It's not their business what their grown up child does.

I think if this were me I would work on moving out to have my privacy and independence. However long it takes. Then tell them if you feel it's right. I don't know how great an idea it is if you tell them stuff they don't want to hear if they are supporting you and you are living under their roof.

Again, I don't know you or your parents, so I don't know what is best for you. I just know that the worst thing I did was come out to my mum about being a lesbian when I was relying on them to house me, feed me and take care of me financially after I finished university and came home. I now realize it was totally unfair of me to burden them even more with my shit.

Now that I have a child of my own I see these things. I didn't think of what was best for them at all back then. Why should I, they had taken care of me my whole life and were not suppose to have feelings and stuff of their own to do in their lives. I was a mess an wanted to put it on someone else's shoulders. they being my parents meant they were SUPPOSE to take it on... I should of got my shit together, became and adult and got on with my own life. I should of been thankful that I wasn't on the street.

And again.... my experience and this was years ago when I was 23.... I didn't know that my parents were just like real people, rather than my saviours in the crazy world I had become an adult in.

NeutralGenius 10-13-2010 04:38 AM

I have been considering getting a job and I might be able to talk one on if school calms down.

Mother replied to my email via a phone call and she seems to be alright with me dating whoever I please as long as she gets to meet them. She also said she has the right to ban certain behaviours from the house which I respect and understand.

The reason I'm feeling guilty about not telling them is the fact I still live under their roof and the sneaking just goes against what I was raised to believe. It's a bit of a moral issues, I guess, or a respect issue. Not really sure what to call it. I know I'm a grown up, but because I live under their roof, I've still got to follow their rules. And it'd be so much easier to go and see either one of them if the parentals are aware. Plus, they'd know where I was in case I got in an accident or they got in an accident.

Fidelia 10-13-2010 04:56 AM

This might be a good opportunity for you and your parental units to revisit the "my roof, my rules" issue. You're an adult now. Surely the rules are different now than when you were say, fourteen? Open a dialogue with your parentals to discuss and negotiate what the rules are now. It could be a great chance for your folks to change the way they see you, and for all of you to gain clarity on where things stand now.

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