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-   -   Quad Moving In Together (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39455)

1of4 01-29-2013 04:59 AM

Quad Moving In Together
 
Okay, so we aren't actually moving in together, but close.

For going on two years now, my husband and I have been in a quad relationship with another married couple.

None of us would have called ourselves poly before...didn't even really know what it was...and we still don't really label it as such, though it clearly is. If I'm using the term correctly, I think you would all term us polyfidelitous. And we just kind of fell into it. But now that we are here it is beautiful and perfect.

We live well over an hour away from each other, which makes things challenging at times. But we always manage at least one day/night per week and usually two or three. We've also traveled together a couple of times so have spent extended periods of time together.

Now we have the opportunity to move much closer. Not actually move in together (realistically our lifestyles as roommates would be incompatible), but move within a couple miles of each other,allowing us to more fully integrate and share our lives. My husband and I have more flexibility, so it will be us moving closer to them.

We're excited but also nervous. I'm just wondering if anyone has any thoughts or advice as we get closer to making this a reality. For example, living closer means that we'll have to agree on new boundaries since there will be much more opportunity to spend time together, both separately as couples and as a foursome. What other things should we think about? What should we discuss? What pitfalls should we watch out for? Etc. I think we are all hoping this relationship will last for the long haul, and so far so good. We'd hate to mess things up by making a dumb mistake. I'm open to any advice. Thanks!

Anneintherain 01-29-2013 05:23 AM

I'd try not to fall in the trap of ..well we live close now, we can spend every single day together! I would be intentional about any change in increasing time, and make sure everybody was on the same page, and if you start spending more time together, have a check in a month or two in to see if it's still working for everybody. I'd probably slowly ramp up the time together, even if you want to spend tons of time together, so if I reached a saturation limit for togetherness, I'd find it easier to recognize (don't think most people work like me though)

You mention there will be more couples time opportunities, I'd just have a discussion with everybody addressing the fact that if suddenly one of the couples starts spending a lot more time together, and it causes a problem/imbalance in anything, such as "you two spend all this time together and I feel bad that my other partner doesn't want to spend as much time with me" that everybody knows they are encouraged to speak up. If everybody knows problems are possible, it can make it much easier to speak up if a problem occurs.

Regular group meetings seem to work for a lot of people to stem off any issues.

Most of this isn't relevant because you aren't moving in together, but I do think some of the points might be useful to go over. http://www.lovemore.com/articles/plstyle.php

SchrodingersCat 01-29-2013 05:55 AM

What kind of boundaries do you think you'll need to bring in? Since you mention it in reference to the opportunity to spend more time together, it sounds like you may be using "boundaries" as code for "rules" and those can be a hindrance towards real growth.

I would urge against making rules to limit the amount of time you spend with them. Instead, focus on needs of each couple to have "couple time." i.e. you and your spouse without the other couple, and vica versa.

What should you discuss? Everything, as it comes up.

Frankly, dumb mistakes are going to happen. You are human, right? The important thing is to realize that everyone has the best intentions going in, no one wants to hurt anyone, and that dumb mistakes are not deliberate attempts to cause pain.

1of4 01-29-2013 11:23 PM

Thanks for the replies. I just saved that article to read later tonight when I have more time. It looks like there could be a lot of useful advice in it.

I'm not really sure what boundaries I think we'll need to bring in. Maybe none? I think maybe I'm most concerned about different expectations and privacy issues. My husband, for example is the one of us most likely to feel the "oversatuation" that Anne mentioned. The rest of us could probably spend 24X7 together and not get tired of it for a long time, but his introverted side usually comes out after a few days of being around others and always needs his personal space to regroup. So, I guess the idea of just kind of easing into the extra time together step-by-step is probably smart.

I don't really know what I am looking for. I guess I was just wondering if anyone else had made a similar move and had any words of wisdom. Right now we are all just so excited about making this fantasy of living near each other a reality, that I also want to try to take a step back and look at things rationally and make sure we are setting ourselves up to make this the best experience possible for all of us.

Marcus 01-29-2013 11:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1of4 (Post 181652)
I think maybe I'm most concerned about different expectations and privacy issues. My husband, for example is the one of us most likely to feel the "oversatuation" that Anne mentioned. The rest of us could probably spend 24X7 together and not get tired of it for a long time, but his introverted side usually comes out after a few days of being around others and always needs his personal space to regroup. So, I guess the idea of just kind of easing into the extra time together step-by-step is probably smart.

What you just wrote here, in some fashion or another (as long as it is direct and unambiguous) should be discussed. Hopefully if there are any concerns with your partners they will follow your fine example and express them.

Note that also this doesn't have to be a "let's try not to fuck this up" conversation. There are a lot of possible benefits from having more access to each other so I encourage you to express those as well. Just so long as there is an opportunity to lay it out on the line "Hey, this is a big change so I thought we could take a minute to all put our thoughts on the table".

Focus less on rules and more on being honest, open, and respecting each others feelings. I hope you guys have fun and can effortlessly enjoy each others company :)


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