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-   -   Partner wants to be with older couple (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3944)

nightwalker 10-12-2010 02:39 PM

Partner wants to be with older couple
 
Hi
My partner came out as polyamorous a few months ago and I was ok with that but she now wants to be with an older couple and do heavy duty bondage with them. That wasn't what I signed up to. Not sure how I feel about this but it is way outside my comfort zone. I can't bear the thought of my precious being bound and degraded and tortured. I feel she is only doing it to please them as she was never into this before

Ariakas 10-12-2010 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nightwalker (Post 48372)
Hi
My partner came out as polyamorous a few months ago and I was ok with that but she now wants to be with an older couple and do heavy duty bondage with them. That wasn't what I signed up to. Not sure how I feel about this but it is way outside my comfort zone. I can't bear the thought of my precious being bound and degraded and tortured. I feel she is only doing it to please them as she was never into this before

Maybe it is something she has always enjoyed. Instead of looking at this from the POV of just poly, maybe you should examine the bdsm aspect and learn why some people enjoy it.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...highlight=bdsm

Its also different with different people. I am a very different lover with my gf than my wife. I could never submit to my wife but I intend to submit to my girlfriend. At some point anyways ;) Its also amazing how some people, open up others to do things they never thought, I have been with a couple of women who I brought over to the "dark side" simply because of how openly I talk about alternate sex styles. I think there are more kinky people out there than want to admit it :cool:

This might be something she has never wanted to do with you. Heck just look at the way you refer to bdsm, I can feel your disdain for it. Which is fine, there is nothing really wrong with disliking something, but would you wife have ever been comfortable coming to you and wanting to be tied up and spanked (for example)

PS degradation is not always a part of bondage, and bondage is not always a part of degradation. Understanding the nuances may help you understand what she wants. Embrace it a bit and you might be able to talk about it with her.

Best of luck with this new turn.

GroundedSpirit 10-12-2010 04:44 PM

Ari raises an important understanding - one that often only comes with experience and analyzing.

Basically people have a variety of sexual sides to them. These different sides seem to require compatible (with that side) partners. It's entirely normal and acceptable for some of these desires to NOT be shared with any given person/primary/whatever.

Don't take it personally, or as any false sign about your sexual compatibility etc. It's only one small piece of a larger, more complex puzzle. Celebrate the elements you two connect on and let the other take what direction it needs. The one primary concern you both will want to talk about and be in agreement on is SAFETY. It will be important for you to feel she will be safe in exploring the various pieces of her sexuality. Ask (and expect) her to work WITH you to see that she is in a safe environment. More than likely, once you really have that feeling you will have less concern about her exploration.

In the long run the needs she get's met elsewhere will only enhance what is special between the two of you.

Work it through together - it's all good.

GS


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