So, I have been with my fiance for about 4 years. He's my first long term relationship, and I am absolutely in love. I haven't been happier in - well, ever. We just got engaged, and I can't wait to get married (I'm from Canada, so woo-hoo gay marriage!). Now, I'm the 'hinge' in the relationship between my fiance and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend I've known a little longer. He was my introduction to dating, and physical intimacy, and my very good friend. My boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage, but is also sorta asexual. He doesn't have sex with anyone other than me and my fiance, as he doesn't really care for it personally, but does it to participate. I've always been a little confused about this, because he was the one to initiate being physically intimate with me, but he apparently just enjoys watching other people get off. He's not a continuous fixture in our lives, as he is in the process of setting up a farm that is an hour and half away, and is very busy. He stays with us for random intervals though. He gets along fine with my boyfriend, though he spends time mostly with me. The friendship between us is rather important, not just on a personal level, but also because we're the only people he is close with, as he has issues with his family and he moved here without any friends from another province.
My fiance has been supportive of our relationship; he was alright with the emotional relationship between us, and was alright with the addition of him to the bedroom. Enjoyed it greatly, in fact. After getting engaged though, my fiance has made it clear that we can't continue letting my boyfriend have sex with us. My fiance is more traditional (he's Catholic, compared to us 2 atheists), and I am aware that marriage is a big deal to him. I have no issue with being more conservative - I also enjoy the concept of monogamy and exclusivity, and have no issue with it. However, in our case, I think he would consider that my boyfriend feels somehow obligated to have sex with us in order to be a part of our lives. I've talked to him about the fact that we don't need to have sex AT ALL, that just hand holding and kissing will do (which he actively likes). However, my boyfriend has also revealed that he's gotten kind of territorial. He's gotten into arguments with my fiance about this, and feels threatened by us getting married and the restrictions he feels are being placed upon him. Basically, he's feeling ousted.
I thought the 'no sex' thing would be positive, as it would mean my boyfriend wouldn't feel he has to participate physically if he doesn't want to. But it's revealed a whole other layer to our relationship, and my fiance is not happy. He doesn't understand the resistance my boyfriend is putting up, as he doesn't ever want to marry and is supposedly asexual. Basically, I feel like 2 alpha dogs are going at it, and I'm getting stressed out from the lack of communication. I understand that change is coming and it's difficult for everyone, but how do I get the 2 to sit down and hash it out, and realize that although some points they have are perfectly valid, they also need to compromise and make nice?
Wow. This is a tough one for sure. I would hope some veteran with experience with these types of V relationships would step forward, as I don't have a lot to offer. I will say that I can sort of understand the BF's resistance to the change that you and fiance are undergoing. BF seemed to be sort of comfortable with the status quo, and fiance challenged that by wanting to ease him out of the bedroom. No one likes to feel excluded, and that's probably what is eating at him, regardless of how "asexual" you may feel he is.
Because you're getting married, your wishes and those of your fiance would seem to take precedence. That doesn't mean you need to dispose of BF, but it seems you could have some frank and honest discussions with BF about wanting to make the bedroom a place for you two only. You can make some other concessions, like maybe invite him in occassionally, or let him watch every now and again. If you're totally against that kind of thing, though, you're going to have to be very gentle with him to avoid totally destroying his ego.
I do feel for you guys in this tough situation.
1) The Engagement Time is the time to be contemplating and sorting out long haul compatability issues like these.
2) Sit them down, tell them you expect to set an appointment for serious relationship talks with a plan for conflict resolution. What is a good calendar date for them? And clear 2 hours to have this talk in. (Some things take longer, but can always make another appt. Don't try to go and go and go. That's exhausting for all.
3) Agree to make an agenda for the talk time so people have time to gatrher their thoughts. Not be all "deer in the headlights" when the appointment time arrives. Then you all can stay on topic and do not devolve into petty side arguments. If everyone knows their turn is coming for their bullet point things, they may be more willing to give the other persons their "air time" too when going through their bullet point things.
4) Include how to cope with emotional flooding and calling "time out" if needed.
5) Is everyone willing to own a piece of the elephant to move the thing forward? In service to the greater polyship? (Versus individual axes to grind?)
See if they are willing to attend a conflict resolution thing like that -- one that tries to be constructive rather then destructive.
Even if it turns out that the best thing for ALL people (versus best thing for individuals) at the end of engagement is NOT to be married, break up, or whatever other option... could all agree to just get through the process sanely ONE STEP AT A TIME first.
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