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new2poly 10-10-2010 06:05 PM

What is this?
 
Hi, I am new to all of this and frankly have an acquaintance that is poly and have been very critical of her relationships in the past. She is involved in a triad with her husband and another man. She is the hinge. I have never seen the two men have any involvement with each other... they are not even, as far as I can tell, friends.

I am now the "pot", so to speak.

After a 12 year, basically loveless, relationship which ended badly, I met someone I am attracted to. I am female and he is openly gay and in a committed relationship with another man. They live together.

The sexual relationship I had with my ex was the only thing I had, and it was good when we had sex, however, he seemed more and more disinterested as time went on and I had some questions about if he was himself was (very heavily in the closet) gay. I tried to approach him about it, but was met with angry screaming and yelling and ultimately he left me because I thought he was wearing women's underwear and he refused to admit it, even when I approached it in the kindest/gentlest way. Even when the alternative to me finding underwear that was not my own, meant I would think he had cheated on me. I have since discovered things that make me believe he was at least cross-dressing etc... it is sad in a way because I would have accepted and even enjoyed this.

At this time, I'm not interested in a sexual relationship with anyone. I am enjoying my space, do not really think I will live with anyone again, and do not wish the entanglements sex could/would bring right now. I am fine with being self-satisfied in this area. I have missed the love, attention and affection you are supposed to get when you are in a relationship... I have missed this for a long time - even while in the relationship with my ex. I will also say that I have been, in the past, an extremely jealous person.

Fast forward to getting to know C., my new guy. He is very open about who he is and with all emotional and sexual issues with me and I found myself being this way with him also - over the first two weeks, just gradually opening up more and more and talking. He told me he was a drag queen, which I thought was pretty cool. I have an open mind about this since I have experienced drag queens before, and my brother is gay and several of his friends liked to dress in drag when I was growing up. I'm very comfortable with the LGBT community and people cross dressing, and cross gender identifying.

The first show I went to where C. preformed as a drag queen, I was surprised to find myself extremely attracted to his female persona. I was very turned on by her (and continue to be so). I will also say I do not identify as Bi or Bi-curious. It was at this time I met C.'s partner, B. - we 'clicked' immediately and enjoy each other's company, laugh and joke etc...I find him very engaging. He is handsome, but I'm not really attracted to him. He is also very caring, kind and open.

I have interacted and been with both of them daily for the past two months. C. and I text message late into the night and he often tells me where he is and what he is doing. Text's me goodnight every night, etc...they both want to be with me, ask me to do this and that with them, say yes readily to things I suggest they do with me. I have not experienced this before ever in my life... I tried to step back citing they would get sick of me, but they both objected very strongly. B. defers to me when we go out, allows me to sit next to C. etc... C. is affectionate with me in every way, sometimes the three of us will sit casually touching when at a club (C. is definitely the hinge). I will kiss/hug them both, but there is a difference in the manner with C. much more boyfriend/girlfriend like.

I had a long discussion with C. a few weeks ago, about how vulnerable I was feeling and scared to let him in because I have lost so many people in my life. B. came to me the next day telling me C. was upset and how important I was becoming to them both. He also told me that all of us would be hurting and missing out by me holding myself back for fear of being hurt. He talked about Garth Brooks song, "The Dance." When I thought about it... I decided I should take the chance and whatever the outcome it would be worth it.

C. does not cross dress outside of performing. He seems to enjoying knowing that I am attracted to him and especially enjoys that I am attracted to his female persona. He delights in teasing me when he is in drag, will kiss me and hold my hand in the club etc...B. never seems jealous at all, in fact he has encouraged our relationship and appears to enjoy it as much as either of us.B. has mentioned our status as "triad" or "triune".

It is pretty clear to me by now that I am in a committed relationship with C. and happy with that fact - happier than I have ever been in my life. My ex has recently mentioned to others that he would like to get back together with me. I told C. this and he asked what I would do. I told C. that my ex had nothing to offer me and that I was happy with what I had.

I love C. and B. both. I enjoy them and love being with them. C. fulfills my every emotional need and my need for physical closeness and contact. I am not jealous of B. at all. B. is not jealous of me. I am okay with the fact that sex is not going to enter into this relationship.

Is this still polyamoury without the sexual component? That seems a stupid question... love doesn't necessarily mean sex. Yet, I believe that even if I were to have sex with C. that I would not be jealous of B. However, I have no problems with seeking sexual gratification elsewhere (should the opportunity present itself. I am not 'looking'.) and respecting my relationship with C. and, by extension, B. as my primary emotional relationship.

I have never been involved in anything even remotely like this. I think I'm here because I want someone to say, "yes, I've been there." So I don't feel like being happy because of this is not 'right' by accepted norms. Or maybe I need to hear that what I have is beautiful and good and to cherish it. Perhaps just a place to share my happiness would be good, too. My friends are happy I am happy, but they don't quite understand...

I also feel somewhat like I owe my acquaintance an apology for being closed minded about her polyamoury, and I am seeking answers to why I was uncomfortable with her situation before now that I am enjoying mine.

I'm glad I found this forum. I hope to gain some insights here.

ImaginaryIllusion 10-10-2010 06:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by new2poly (Post 48178)

I also feel somewhat like I owe my acquaintance an apology for being closed minded about her polyamoury, and I am seeking answers to why I was uncomfortable with her situation before now that I am enjoying mine.

I'm glad I found this forum. I hope to gain some insights here.

Sometimes norms are overrated...and sometimes it takes people a while to break away from what we've been taught by society all our lives.

Welcome to the Forum.

anotherbo 10-10-2010 08:01 PM

It sure sounds beautiful and wonderful to me! You sound very in love with C., and very connected to both of them. Why should the absence of sex detract from that? It's awesome just how it is.

Personally I think sexual gratification is comparatively easy to find; emotional bonding is so precious.

Kudos!

new2poly 10-10-2010 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anotherbo (Post 48196)
It sure sounds beautiful and wonderful to me! You sound very in love with C., and very connected to both of them. Why should the absence of sex detract from that? It's awesome just how it is.

Personally I think sexual gratification is comparatively easy to find; emotional bonding is so precious.

Kudos!

Thanks, Anotherbo. I think so too. It's just all so new and different, but I'm happy and so are they... can't see anything wrong with that!

phoenix762 10-10-2010 08:32 PM

Sounds like a wonderful relationship to me, enjoy it
;0D
pshaw on the naysayers....

Tonberry 10-11-2010 03:30 AM

It's polyamory, not polysexuality! So yes, it counts. However right now you could be either mono or poly yourself, C is the one who is being poly. If you had sex elsewhere but still only loved C, you'd still be mono. Do you know which you are?
I mean, it seems to me you have a metamour relationship with B, not a romantic one, but I could be wrong!

Either way, it looks like you're a great vee and I'm really happy for you about it. It seems to be going right, and the absence of jealousy is always good, although jealousy doesn't mean you need to stop everything either, as long as you're willing to work through it.

I haven't been in your situation but it seems lovely, since everyone is happy ^_^.

new2poly 10-11-2010 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 48235)
It's polyamory, not polysexuality! So yes, it counts. However right now you could be either mono or poly yourself, C is the one who is being poly. If you had sex elsewhere but still only loved C, you'd still be mono. Do you know which you are?
I mean, it seems to me you have a metamour relationship with B, not a romantic one, but I could be wrong!

Either way, it looks like you're a great vee and I'm really happy for you about it. It seems to be going right, and the absence of jealousy is always good, although jealousy doesn't mean you need to stop everything either, as long as you're willing to work through it.

I haven't been in your situation but it seems lovely, since everyone is happy ^_^.


Yes, B. is definitely a metamour relationship. I really don't know if I'm poly or mono... I've been mono up until this point. And normally very, very jealous, but that could be because the last two relationships I've had I've been left for another, so... Honestly, I've never had a healthy romantic relationship until now.

Fidelia 10-11-2010 02:12 PM

Hi, and welcome to the forum. :)
Sure sounds to me like you've got it going on. Good for y'all! Especially coming out of the unhealthy relationship you had before.

As for your acquaintance, the one of whose triad you were highly critical: if you made her relationship grist for the gossip mill, you owe her an apology. Invite her to meet you for coffee, and have yours with a side order of crow. Who knows? A new friendship may grow out of it; the two of you do share something interesting in common now. ;)

Breathesgirl 10-11-2010 02:20 PM

Personal opinion: Everyone's happy so why try to put a label to it?

Have fun with it, enjoy it, be happy :D.

redpepper 10-11-2010 05:00 PM

I have a non-sexual boyfriend too. I totally understand where you are coming from. We are bonded in ways that are beyond friendship. We both have busy relationship lives that fulfill us and we don't need to have sex, although he would very much like to ;) We both know that our status would change if we did and both don't want to jeopardize what we have now. Why clutter a perfectly good relationship with sex. I think if he had more going on in that department elsewhere then it would be to our benefit. Working on that.

The woman you are friends with would have a vee relationship if she is a hinge... rather than a triad. Just so you know. Especially if her men are not friends. A triad is a group of three that are all in love. Just to let you know the traditional definitions anyway.

Ya, a chat about how you feel now might be a good idea. You might find that you will have some support for your situation and have the chance to now be supportive towards her situation also


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