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-   -   Tables are turned (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39247)

beyondblueeyes 01-26-2013 04:38 AM

Tables are turned
Hello everyone,
I am new to this site, and I have been searching for a place that I can learn from others and that quite possibly have the same positive and negative quirks that I have in the poly world.
A quick back ground, I am a bi female, married (2nd marriage) and both believe in the poly lifestyle, entered together as we came from not very balanced previous marriages. I have had a bf for the last two years, who is also married and in an open marriage. I am in love with two men, there is no question, my bf lives a couple of hours away from me, we try to see each other every week, but we have families and work so sometimes it can be difficult. Plus his job takes him out of the country sometimes. My husband, who is a wonderful man just recently in the last month has developed a relationship with another woman. However in the last two years, he has what he likes to call dabbled in the sexual aspect of relationships. He is now experiencing a relationship with a woman, who is not married or has children. ( we have 5 all together) The tables are not turned...as I am writing this, he is at her house, I am home alone for the first time as my bf is quite busy with work and we will not see each other for another two weeks. The question I have is why all of sudden do I feel lonely. I am a very strong independent woman, with a career with a lot of friends. Yet I am sad...I miss my bf a lot but our situation is reality, and I am kind of jealous that my husband has found a woman that he does not just want to "dabble" sexually with. To be honest I have been searching everywhere for a site like this, people that I can talk to. ahhhh need to chat lol

UtahPolyCouple 01-26-2013 02:58 PM

You are not alone. I think most of us experiace that feeling of lonliness at times.

dingedheart 01-26-2013 06:15 PM

Hi and welcome,

Do you think if you were distracted with your bf you would have noticed or cared about your husbands new relationship ?

I guess the question is it the new intimacy or the fact you are home alone while he's off on a new adventure that bothers you ?

beyondblueeyes 01-26-2013 06:28 PM

Funny that question is asked to me...because it is true, I just spent two hours skyping with my bf..and I believe the that fact that he is quite busy with work, and now my husband is off on his adventure, I felt alone. Lately my bf has been here when my husband has been on his dates so I never felt alone. Now with my bf so busy that I get one or text a day and my husband is in lala land..I was feeling neglected and forgot who I was as a person.
So I picked myself up..and even though the distance and the busy times at work are not new to my bf and me, I told him how I felt..and truth be told, I have had my adventure with my bf for the last two years while my husband watched and had his own struggles. So it is not fair of me to feel this way because my husband is experiencing something new and wonderful.
One of the main reasons why we ventured into this wonderful world is so we can embrace new people into our lives and feel free to experience what is put in front of us. I had a moment last night..that is true..I am human and a woman lol and I let my emotions get the best of me, I thought with my heart and not with my head. Thanks for sharing...

Achimwis 01-26-2013 07:21 PM

I hear you on the loneliness. My wife and I are in a poly setup and she has a boyfriend. They've been spending a lot of time together, and I'm really happy for her. And I don't feel neglected by her. But I do get this sense of loneliness, yet I also find myself having trouble getting out to meet people.

kdt26417 01-26-2013 09:12 PM

Greetings beyondblueeyes,
Welcome to our forum.

I think you are just trying to get used to a new situation. You were used to the routine where you would see your boyfriend and then could expect to see your husband when you got home. Now that dynamic has been mixed up a little. You are finding yourself with alone time that you didn't have before.

Humans tend to have a certain amount of natural resistence to change, and I think that's what you've been experiencing (in the form of lonesomeness). As time goes by, I believe it will get easier. You will find more things to do that interest you when you're alone. Heck, could be something as simple as watching a movie you like that your husband's not interested in. Or other ideas along those lines ...

Connecting with your boyfriend via Skype sounds like a great idea to me. It's one of the coping mechanisms that will help you adapt to this "new environment" you find yourself in. Also, why not spend some of that "newfound alone time" poking around on Polyamory.com; that way you're learning more about polyamory, and keeping yourself occupied at the same time.

In any case, I do believe it'll get easier, so hang in there.

Glad to have you with us.
Kevin T.

learninginTN 01-27-2013 01:59 AM

Sorry you're feeling lonely. I understand, because I've been in your shoes of dealing with your partner's new partner, and dealing with all that NRE. In my case, it's even more frustrating because my W is doing all this stuff with her guy, and totally refusing to be intimate with me. I'm hoping our upcoming counselling can get that intimacy back, because I'm definitely feeling neglected.

I think if you keep yourself busy, and try to remember that your husband is now getting to have the fun that you used to have, and remind yourself that this lifestyle takes a lot of communication, it will help you a lot.

When you are with your husband, does he still treat you with a lot of respect and is he still as intimate with you as you would like?

beyondblueeyes 01-27-2013 03:53 PM

Well my husband is really enjoying his new found gf...he is a wonderful man to me, loves me deeply so I do not feel threatened in regards to losing him. I def think I have too much time on my hands. I had a slight melt down about three months ago when I was laid off at my job, I took a hit in my self esteem and the ability to function. I am an avid fitness freak lol, and I stopped everything. So now that I found a job ( do not love it..but I have to work) I am going back to the gym, and I even decided to start some courses for possibly another career. I think a long this journey I have forgotten who I was as a person, and relied on the attention from both of the men in my lives.

I had a great conversation with my husband yesterday when he got home from his overnight date..we are great friends and can talk about anything, but I told him how I was feeling and I did not want him to change anything, just want him to be happy in all aspects of his life. We talked watched tv and went to bed..nothing sexual happened but that is ok..we are trying to reconnect in other ways right now..Cheers

kdt26417 01-27-2013 07:56 PM

Sounds like some of the stress has been job-related. In any case, I'm glad to hear that you guys are gradually working things out.

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