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-   -   Adjusting to a Poly life (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39230)

zombiebunny77 01-26-2013 01:06 AM

Adjusting to a Poly life
My name is Lola. I am 21 years old and have been married for a little over a year to a man named George. He and I have a daughter and a son on the way. We have recently entered into a polyamorous relationship with Jaymie, who was one of my friends for a few years, and in the beginning everything was great. Sure we have had our share of problems, like any relationship, and we are doing our best to deal with them in a healthy way, but not everything turns out the way we hope.

I have been having trouble adjusting to my husband and my girlfriend having their individual side of the relationship, and I am not 100% sure why. I have no problem with them spending time together when I am there and no problem with them being intimate as long as I am present, even if I am not participating. He and I have a decent sex life, but she and I are still trying to adjust to having sex with just each other by learning what the other one likes and just becoming comfortable with the female body because this is both of our first female on female relationship. I really wish that I knew how to deal with my jealousy as far as their being together. There is a part of me that is afraid that they may one day decide that they do not need to be with me anymore and that they just want each other, but I am not sure that is the only reason. When we began to consider having just a threesome, the idea of having a three person relationship was never even a thought. Originally they both wanted to be with me and were with each other to make me happy. I am a little jealous of how quickly they fell in love with each other and grew together, and I feel a bit like I am getting left behind.

I know that these feelings are causing a wedge in our relationship and eventually they will get tired of it. I have tried dealing with it and desensitizing myself to the thoughts of them having a great time without me, but it still isn't getting any better. I do not want to lose them or the relationship because I love them both so very much.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this and would be willing to offer some advice as to how to overcome jealousy or how to deal with these emotions in a positive way that will not destroy my relationship? Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

GalaGirl 01-26-2013 04:28 AM

Could anything here help?

Esp the jealousy one? Doing enough page 5, page 6 things?


JaneQSmythe 01-26-2013 02:42 PM

Hello and welcome to the forums!

For the regular readers of the forum this type of situation is not at all uncommon - you are not alone!

Many people seem to start their poly adventure with the goal of an equilateral "triad" type relationship - often this takes the form of an existing couple that "adds a third" person to the relationship. Issues then come up when one or the other of the relationships doesn't progress as easily or as quickly as the others, which can trigger jealousy and insecurity, and it is at this point that a lot of people find their way here.

Poly relationships are complex! There are many relationships involved - you might want to read this article on polymath and the exponential complexity of adding more relationships.

Galagirl has pointed to some links that may be helpful and there are a lot of articles and threads about dealing with jealousy - so there are a lot of resources out there.

I would point out that it is entirely natural for different relationships to grow and change and wax and wane at different times and in different ways. Expecting two different relationships (yours+girlfriend and hubs+girlfriend) to be at the same place at the same time is not really realistic and can lead to resentment. Each relationship in the polyship needs its own care and tending. So, rather than focusing on what THEY have, it can be more fruitful to focus on nurturing your relationships with each of them (and yourself).

While it is perfectly OK for you to ask for what you need (time alone with each of them, time together, for them to tone down their interactions in front of you, whatever) it can be very difficult for people who are caught up in their own NRE (new relationship energy) to really SEE how what they are doing is affecting other people. But communication is key, they can not help you get what you need out of your relationships if you aren't telling them what you need.

It is not unusual for Triad relationships to take on other forms over time - this doesn't always mean that the Triad breaks up completely but it is not unusual for these to transition to a Vee configuration. (Numina's blog is one person's journey after the transition - you can look up her earlier posts for the backstory).

Your fear that they may decide that they just want to be with each other is a common one...and, ultimately, not something that you have control over. But the beauty of poly, for a lot of us, is that people DON'T need to choose between loves. So you nurture your relationship with your husband, you work on your relationship with her - he has to be willing to nurture his relationship with you, she has to be willing to work on her relationship with you. Their relationship with each other doesn't need to dictate your relationship with each of them separately. Ultimately, some relationships continue and others don't - that is the nature of relationships.

(I'll dig around and see if I can find some recent threads on similar situations for you.)


JaneQSmythe 01-26-2013 02:59 PM

Just for a start - here are some recent threads that might lend some perspectives:

So the original couple in my triad just got engaged...

3 women

Any successful closed triads I could chat with?

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