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-   -   Monogamous+Polyamorous=Couple? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3916)

mouthcradle 10-07-2010 10:12 PM

Monogamous+Polyamorous=Couple?
 
I live now for 3 years in a monogamous same-sex relationship. Probably from the first months I felt myself polyamorous. I felt attracted to other guys, but at that point of my life I even did not know that polyamory exists, so I pushed myself down and tried to work out my relationship with my partner. Obviously, my polyamory came bacl to me during the second year, when I started using webcam and phone for sex with other people. Sex with my partner was getting less and less interesting. My partner found out about my webcam and phone sex several times during the second and third year of our relationship, and of course all guilt was on me, I cheated on him, I took no responsibility for my actions, I did not care for his feelings and so on...From the first time I took guilt on myself and tried to conform to the rules of monogamy and rules of my partner...It never worked, on the contrary, I went to webcams again and again...and my partner was hurt again and again...until he lost his trust and even faith in my improvement...We had many strong discussions...I was even asked to leave him...But, first of all, I love him no matter what problems we have...Second of all, I have many other consequences of leaving him, which will put me in miserable position (one of them is that I am still dependent on him considering my stay in one of the EU countries - I am myself not from EU)...I told him about my open attitude towards relationships and my polyamourous inclinations...He thinks me careless and unthinking person and most important is that it is a proof that he is not dear to me if I want to do what I want first rather to take care of his feelings...

Oh, guys, I am really fed up of this situation. I really ask you for the advice - what can I do in this case when my partner does not accept my value on polyamory??? I tried to live according to monogamy even after I discovered I cannot live to it, and still he wants me to go on and try...otherwise I must leave him...

Thank you for attention.

redpepper 10-08-2010 07:46 AM

I'd say the only thing you can do is keep at your course of action and keep talking, educating, encouraging. See if you can't get your partner to read on here or read a book from the book recommendations sticky, find the poly people in your area. Learn as much as you can so you will be ready for any change and find an alternative to what you have going on around having to stay in this relationship. Your lack of independence is a bit of a red flag for me and is not a good reason to stay. If you love him great, but having an alternative sounds like a healthier option. Just incase.

mouthcradle 10-08-2010 11:32 AM

thank you, redpepper, for advice...

Ariakas 10-08-2010 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mouthcradle (Post 47769)
Oh, guys, I am really fed up of this situation. I really ask you for the advice - what can I do in this case when my partner does not accept my value on polyamory??? I tried to live according to monogamy even after I discovered I cannot live to it, and still he wants me to go on and try...otherwise I must leave him...

Thank you for attention.

You cheated, thats a big jump to come back from. I think you should look at your relationship and try and build that foundation up to be stronger. Before even thinking of trying to include anyone in your relationship. If he is completely unaccepting of that possibility then you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. For that matter, your partner needs to decide if the infidelity AND the potential that you want more people to love is a deal breaker as well.

One side note, were there feelings involved with this webcam/phone sexing. The way you write it, it sounds more like sexual relief. Maybe consider swinging if you aren't looking for other love and simply extra sex. Just a thought.

In both cases, as I mentioned, get your foundation strong before trying again. You will inevitably hurt your partner, new partner or yourself if you rush it.

SNeacail 10-08-2010 05:51 PM

I was where your partner is. It is a huge punch in the gut to find out your partner is cheating on you, even if it is "just" internet/phone sex. It still hurts just as much as if it were IRL one on one, it is a betrayal of trust. We have discovered that there were underlying issues with our relationship that would trigger it, and once it started it was hard to walk away, even when things started to improve. The urge to go back gets overwhelming.

My suggestion to you would be what I have said to my husband, talk to your partner, tell him what is going on before you do anything. Continue to talk to him and find out the true issues.

My understanding of Polyamory is being able to "love" more than one person, ie intimate personal connection. Is this where you truely think you are going or is the internet sex serving a different purpose?

mouthcradle 10-19-2010 10:31 AM

Thank you, Ariakas, for advice...Internet and phone sex were not regular escapes, but some occasional and easiest means to get sexual contact with other people rather than my partner...Moreover, since I had no physical contact with them, I considered that it would be less hurtful for my partner in case he finds out...If I had allowance and agreement about openess I would try a real physical contact with another partner for both romantic relationship and purely sexual relationship, because I believe different people attract in different ways...

mouthcradle 10-19-2010 10:34 AM

Sneacail, I try to tell everything to my partner right now, but the problem is that he does not want to hear anything of the "promiscuous" kind, and then he often threatens of throwing me out in the position when I am legally dependent on him...and "out" is the street and destruction of all I and we had built...

mouthcradle 10-19-2010 10:37 AM

Yes, Sneacail, I believe I can LOVE more than one person if I allow myself to do it, if I forbid myself to do it, I escape loving people...But I believe also in pure sexual connection, do you call it love as well? I don't know,perhaps yes. But I prefer not to use the label words for defining what kind of relationship I prefer to have outside marriage, because each individual can render a different quality of connection...


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