where do I start?..
First of all, I am new. Hello to all.
I am 28 currently married in a mono relationship and I have 2 children under 5 which makes this all that much more challenging.
However, I possess poly wiring and this is creating a struggle. My husband is completely devoted and while open to the idea of bringing in other women (as I am bi-sexual) he remains completely closed to the idea of me seeing other men.
I am looking for advice. It is looking more and more like my marriage of 7 years just may end.. has anyone else experienced this?
Why would it have to end?
You are poly-wired. Does that mean that it has to be your way or not at all?
My husband was very much against me having another man in my life. He was good with a woman - but not a man. We talked. We discussed. I DID NOT push.
Eventually, he said, ok... fine... lets try this, but we need to go slow.
And then he found someone. And totally understands WHY I'm looking for more.
But what I don't get is why your marriage has to END because you want another man? Is there someone specific waiting in the wings? Or are you just so very impatient that you can't talk to him, give him resources, give him time to process and work through what ever he needs to work through?
He may surprise you in the end. But by saying it has to end if it doesn't happen your way is a hard-line position that may hurt YOU more. And your children.
I would suggest that you take the time, read some books, point him in some good directions and be patient.
That's my experience, anyhow :)
I agree with MBG.
Do you have people you can talk to ? since you are worried your marriage might end over this, this leads me to believe you are experiencing some type of hugely, stressful upheaval.
Was his reaction quite strong, or do you feel trapped with nobody to vent to ?
Many times things feel quite desperate in our own heads, when we dont have objective people to vent to.
thank you for your advice:
I was short and pretty vague.
Throughout my dating life pre-marriage, I always felt very taboo about dating more than one at a time. Yet, opening my heart and loving more than one person was never difficult. I love to embrace people for whom they are and the chemistry that exists between us. There really is no equivalent to either one or the other. Each relationship was unique and special. I always hated being asked to choose; that it had to be "all or nothing" or black and white"
This big heart feels almost like a curse. My tendency to love easily and intensely does not diminish. It's like a mother's love... or a father's love, when you have more than one child and you think how could you love the second just as much as the first.. without dividing up your love..
then you learn you are captivated all the same, no more no less.. Enjoying this love, this life, this gift.
I met my husband when I was 19. I had initially brought up the idea of having a woman with my husband and me before we were married. (I had known I was bisexual since I was an young teen.) At the time, he immediately said "no way, no how" Nine years later and many layers of depth added into our life, he is open to the idea of me pursuing a relationship with another woman. I am also very interested in him having another woman if that is what he would like in the proper time. I will add that finding a woman who is aware and accepting of the many facets of my life and the responsibilities and obligations is very difficult.
my poly ways, however, do not end with wanting a woman in our lives, but I long for the day that I could establish another committed relationship with a very close male friend of mine. I could potentially see myself comfortably entwined in more than one close relationship.
When I am poly-wired, I feel as though I will never be truly happy and fulfilled in a mono marriage.
He has told me recently that if I even wanted another man that's it, he would just be done with me. He allows no talk on the subject. He just shuts down.
Then he gets defensive saying I would destroy the family, destroy him for another man.. so I could have my cake and eat it too...
I was never the one to say it would have to end. That was him.
I don't push it.. I don't even talk about it. He doesn't want to hear it.. He said I would have to choose. I don't want to leave my husband. I chose to marry this man.. young as I may have been I chose him to be the father of my children. I appreciate my husband for being the man he is. his integrity, his self-assurance his moral fiber.. I chose him to be the father of my children because those of traits in him; in a man-a leader... and for so much more.
I need advice of how you bring this subject up to someone who shuts down at the very thought of me being with another man. I am willing to take it day by day.. I am left few choices as I don't feel getting divorced over this desire is acceptable.
I want to exercise tact, and wisdom. I love my husband I don't want to destroy him. I don't want to destroy our unit. I am looking for insight and personal experience in this matter. I don't have anyone to vent to about this as not many understand and that is what brought me to this site.
It's never a good sign when one partner absolutely refuses to deal with something that is very important to the other(s). I suspect he shuts down because he's frightened by all the bad things that he imagines will happen.
I suggest writing a letter about it. Make it clear at the beginning of the letter how important the matter is to you. Then lay out your thoughts and feelings. He can read it bit by bit and work through it at his own speed.
If it's important to you, then it's something that needs to be addressed to see if the two of you can come to terms. Him refusing to address the issue is a refusal to allow you an equal role in the relationship. If he believes your needs and desires are as important as his, he'll listen and discuss the issue in some fashion, even if it's in faltering, stop-n-start fashion.
Having gone through the process, I believe it is quite possible for a guy to change their mind about this particular topic...
But it can take a lot of time and soul searching to get there...which also probably means he needs to want to get there. I doubt he'd put in the effort to change his way of thinking, analyse his fears, or remodel his psyche without some incentive to do so...more importantly and internal drive to get to an end state where the idea of another man in your life wouldn't be a problem.
How to motivate that process...I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions at the moment...but AT's idea certainly sounded like a good place to start.
To borrow a phrase - I feel your pain. I totally understand where you are coming from and your frustrations. YOU know that he sees as a threat is actually something that would make you feel so much freer that you could (and would) love him even more. The thing is, HE's not wired the same. Everything seems so clear and obvious to us because we're wired this way. To someone who is not, it must be terrifying. I just went through this with a woman I had dated for a year, who was not poly, and there was only so much she could accept. But I wasn't married to her with kids. What I might consider is counseling. If you are willing to let you go of your pre-conceptions and expectations and he is willing to do the same, and you go to a qualified counselor, it may take a while but you might end up with what you want in the end. I'd definitely try that, though, before I'd end it or push it to an end. Divorce sucks. I've been there. If you can avoid it without dying inside, then do everything you can to try to do so.
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