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-   -   My desires don't fit boyfriend's boundries (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39134)

SpoofyCups 01-25-2013 01:54 AM

My desires don't fit boyfriend's boundries
 
Hi, this is my first post.

Since my boyfriend and I got together 2 1/2 years ago, we have discussed having an open relationship. It's a sensitive topic as I'm sure you all know, and takes lots of respectful negotiation. Neither of us have yet to act on this, and that's ok (he came very close one time at a bar but got a weird vibe from the lady and decided not to).

My BF is a very regular straight guy, his reactions and turn-ons tend to be predicable (for example he likes the idea of me sleeping with a girl, or he'd like to try a threesome). As for an open relationship, he's ok with me fucking a guy casually if I go traveling somewhere. He's probably less comfortable with the guy being from this city but would still give permission.

The basic rules are: No exes and no one from work.

This has been pretty cool with me, but as time wears on I'm having to admit to myself that I'm not interested in casual sex! I feel like a prey animal when a stranger man hits on me, but things change quite a bit if I know him at least a little. Sex is usually lousy with one night stands. I traveled alone in Hawaii for four weeks last year and did not hook up at all! I don't travel that often, I'm a busy full time working person, so I really don't meet new people that much.

The idea of BF having sex with another woman turns me on quite a bit. But he's a busy busy man so the opportunity just doesn't come up, and he doesn't pursue it.

**Enter the OLD FLAME**

Five years ago I had an interesting and fairly intense emotional relationship with a man for a few months. It's a long story but we didn't date "normally" because his marriage was exploding at this time. No sex, no touching etc. I fell VERY hard for him back then, but it crashed and burned.

Now he's back at the same place I work. The same place my boyfriend works. I thought I had gotten over him but NO no no the electricity is still there man. We are dear friends, but he's very very reserved. It's hard to talk about our feelings, it mostly hangs in the air unsaid. Which keeps things nicely contained in our professional environment. That is until I watched his band perform recently and saw the real him, open, happy, and not afraid to communicate with me about everything. And flirt. Oh beer....
Dang!
So now I know for sure he loves me too, but he's not the 'cheating type".

I don't know why I bother writing this, there's no way to make this work out, is there? I would just LOVE to have Mr Old Flame as my occasional lover, someone to connect with and party with and have that new sexual energy feeling with. Someone I can truly love but not make future life plans with. My feelings for him go quite deep but his reserved arm's-length nature means I wouldn't leave my BF for him. I'm quite confident of this.

But they'd have to look each other in the eye. They don't work together directly right now but they will cross paths sometimes. They do know each other.

Old Flame is not exactly my ex, but we do work in the same place so this is against my boyfriend's rules.

Having to resist this man AGAIN is so unbelievably painful for me. My boyfriend is a stupendous human being and i don't want to fuck it up with him. But after 20 years of serial monogamist relationships I just KNOW that they get stifling after a while. I can foresee a future where I lose interest in sex with him. Because we are in a routine, life just does this to people. Isn't it always the same? The thrill of having this old two-way crush reignited has ramped my sex drive way up again and my BF is benefiting. This is why I think openess can be healthy for a relationship.

Does any of this fit within the definition of polyamory? I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just venting. Thanks for reading my long winded post.

BoringGuy 01-25-2013 02:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpoofyCups (Post 180777)

Does any of this fit within the definition of polyamory? I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just venting. Thanks for reading my long winded post.

Hi, I read your post and don't really have any salient advice. The reason I'm writing is because it fascinates me when someone comes on and says whatever their situation involves and then asks "is this polyamory?" Since you say right afterward that you're not sure what you want from this public audience, can i get you to give me a clue as to why it matters to you whether your situation "fits the defintion of polyamory"? Are you looking for a place to belong? Have you been shunned by other people in non-mainstream/alternative-style relationships that you need to gain validation somewhere? There are other possibilites; I have quite an imagination. I know that people will probably think I'm being a dick for asking these things instead of stroking your hand and cooing free advice at you and telling you to breathe and shit like that. But, there it is.

BreatheDeeply 01-25-2013 02:43 AM

If this is what you want, then you should be prepared to be open and communicative with your BF. Tell your BF everything, because he'll know if you're holding back (maybe not consciously but at some level he'll know you're withholding information). You know your BF deserves this. But you deserve it too. I made this mistake in my past, not telling my SO about an emotional relationship that I had while I was married to her. Big mistake. She has forgiven me but I never will look at myself the same way. There is a black spot that spoils my self image, and I don't think it will ever go away.

So be fair to everyone, spill the beans and tell all.

.

SpoofyCups 01-25-2013 03:55 AM

Arghghg well thank you Breathe Deeply, I know you're right about communication. I have many fears of telling BF what's in my head. Afraid he'll react badly then I'll feel awkward whenever bump into my Old Flame guy. Afraid he'll feel threatened in a way he doesn't need to.

I'm working this out in my head first, but I'll get there eventually. You're right, he'll probably figure it out soon enough. I already feel like i'm sneaking around a bit.

And Boring guy, interesting observations. Really. Am I looking for a place to belong? Good question. Probably so, but not in the way you suggest. I've always avoided labels, be they about religion, politics or sexuality, or even how I eat. I'm pretty unsettled sexually, don't really know what my orientation is, I don't understand why I can never relate to my girlfriend's love dramas, I always feel alone. I haven't been shunned by any alternative groups, I'm too scared to explore any! By asking if my thing fits a definition of poly, or open relationship, I think I mean it in it's most ordinary sense. Maybe I am wondering what the difference between an open relationship and a poly one is. If it's simply casual hook ups on one persons part, is that open? Do all members have to be romantically involved to be considered polyamorous? Or can one person in the relationship be in love with two people, while the other isn't? I can look these things up myself I guess.

Am i an agnostic or an atheist? Who cares, let's just talk about shit.

I'm hoping to use this situation as a catalyst to explore this somewhat repressed/unrealized sexual understanding of myself. But I'm running into trouble with the idea of juggling the feelings of others. I'm super duper scared to hurt anyone!

I came to talk to the internet because I know my friends will tell me simply not to "go there". I need more to work with than that. The opinions of strangers can cultivate new ideas.

GalaGirl 01-25-2013 04:41 AM

So you and BF made this agreement for open relationship to accomodate casual sex:
  • Traveling hook ups, ok.
  • Less comfortable with the guy being from this city but would still give permission.
  • No exes and no one from work.

After trying it on for a while you find:
  • as time wears on I'm having to admit to myself that I'm not interested in casual sex!

You now want to explore this:

Quote:

I would just LOVE to have Mr Old Flame as my occasional lover, someone to connect with and party with and have that new sexual energy feeling with. Someone I can truly love but not make future life plans with. My feelings for him go quite deep but his reserved arm's-length nature means I wouldn't leave my BF for him. I'm quite confident of this.
If this is what you want and you cannot ethically have that under those current agreements?

You could ask BF his willingness to entertain discussion about your new wants and see if new agreements can be made with BF or not.

IF yes, yay.

If no, you are at a new choice:
  • Choose to honor the current agreements and stick with BF and let go of this new want.
  • Choose to go with the new want, and let go of the BF and the agreements.

Not all the choices are as fun to feel, but going with "up front honest" could serve you here as you navigate your choices.

HTH!
Galagirl

Marcus 01-25-2013 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BreatheDeeply (Post 180800)
because he'll know if you're holding back (maybe not consciously but at some level he'll know you're withholding information).

If the principle of honesty is important to you then you obviously need to open up to your boyfriend.

If the principle of honesty is not important to you then keep doing what you're doing.

Their are consequences either way.

Magdlyn 01-25-2013 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpoofyCups (Post 180805)
Maybe I am wondering what the difference between an open relationship and a poly one is. If it's simply casual hook ups on one persons part, is that open? Do all members have to be romantically involved to be considered polyamorous? Or can one person in the relationship be in love with two people, while the other isn't? I can look these things up myself I guess.

Polyamory is under the umbrella of open relationships. The others are

Cheating (if one or both members of a couple really know the other is cheating but pretend not to know)

Don't ask, don't tell (where one or both members are having other relationships but it isn't discussed)

Swinging (where one or both both members have casual, non-emotional sex with others)

Polyamory (where one or both members of a couple, or single people, have decided/agreed to have romantic, emotional, and/or sexual relationships with others)

If you are a member of a couple, you may be poly and your partner may be also poly, or mono. You may, or more likely, may not both be shagging the same person. Being poly does NOT mean pursuing triad relationships (generally the idea of FMF sex turns men on, but it rarely works longterm in real life).

SpoofyCups 01-27-2013 05:09 AM

Thank you everyone, everything said here was helpful.
GalaGirl, you were able to boil it down so simply!

I do value honesty but I don't feel like it's the time to bring this into the open yet. Too early. Also in general I do reserve the right to a private life. For the time being, little is actually 'happening" with my old flame. So it's my thing to stew over and play with for a while.

What do people here think of emotional affairs? The mainstream seems to define them as an insideous form of cheating, something absolutely intolerable. Most websites talk about it like it's a sign of inadequacy in one's relationship instead of acknowledging that part of being alive is meeting people you click with. I certainly had one with this dude 5 years ago, and it could easily become that again. Sexually frustrating things those are! But wrong? I have all kinds of conversations with regular friends that I wouldn't share with a boyfriend, that isn't considered cheating! But if I like a guy, well! Get the marriage counciller!

Anneintherain 01-27-2013 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpoofyCups (Post 181200)

What do people here think of emotional affairs? The mainstream seems to define them as an insideous form of cheating, something absolutely intolerable.

I've seen people here who see them as cheating, and people who don't think they are, BUT... I happen to feel they are an insidious form of cheating, and intolerable to me. I don't see it as poly if it isn't ethical and consensual, and if you think your partner would not think it was ethical, you probably wont be surprised if they also could not tolerate it if they found out about it after the fact, especially when you've worked hard to establish a groundwork to be open that as far as he knows, is fine with you, if you haven't told him otherwise.

I would find it intolerable because when your partner(s) accept you are poly, if you feel the need to be furtive about things anyway, there is work to do. if you want to get emotionally involved with somebody until you feel brave enough to tell your partner what you really want, there is work to do. If my partner didn't trust me enough to be honest about their desires, I would gauge that our relationship isn't healthy enough to thrive in an open relationship.

Anneintherain 01-27-2013 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpoofyCups (Post 180777)

I don't know why I bother writing this, there's no way to make this work out, is there

Maybe - just tell your boyfriend how you feel, and go back to doing that respectful negotiation you were doing to get to where you are at now. Tell him all the stuff you said about feeling creepy when some stranger tries to hit on you. That you feel safer and more comfortable if you know, trust, and like somebody as a person if you're going to get involved with them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpoofyCups (Post 180777)
But they'd have to look each other in the eye. They don't work together directly right now but they will cross paths sometimes. They do know each other.

Yep. Does he dislike him or something? Lots of people in open relationships spend casual time of some sort with their partners other partners or see each other in passing. If the other guy is nice and decent and doesn't start acting weird or talking about how he scored with you last night... the awkwardness tends to be pretty short lived

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpoofyCups (Post 180777)
Old Flame is not exactly my ex, but we do work in the same place so this is against my boyfriend's rules.

Rephrase that. YOUR RULES that you made in conjunction with your boyfriend. Nothing is stopping you from renegotiating but your fear, and if you can't negotiate what you want or both be working towards agreements that work for both of you, its probably better to find out sooner than later.


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