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-   -   Give up? But I don't want to... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3903)

mewtastic 10-06-2010 04:52 PM

Give up? But I don't want to...
Me: Girl going through an amicable divorce. Currently conducting relationships with two boyfriends. Loves both guys bunches, is going out of her head at the idea that the second relationship might not be working out because the guy in question feels like he is naturally monogamous.

Boy A: A year-long relationship. He thinks he can get behind the idea of poly but doesn't have any other girlfriends yet. We met at school, and became friends first, lovers later, over the course of many months while my marriage was dissolving. He's supportive as hell, but sometimes I am frustrated by his lack of personal resolve and how he can be really wishy-washy and easily influenced.

Boy B: A three-months-long relationship. He thinks he can only be monogamous, and has made it clear that he would totally be willing to jump ship if he met a girl who was willing to give him the same commitment. We met off of the internet, and I just adored him from the outset and never want to leave his side when I am with him. I think about him constantly. Like, really, constantly. I fell for him so hard that I think it's making me stupid O_o

So, last night I was really stressing and Boy B and I had a long talk about how (his words) "it is not a probability but an inevitability" that this is going to end... at some point. But I am really not wanting that point to be now, even though I understand that it would probably suck more if it ends later than if it ends now. I just don't feel like I've gotten enough yet -- he's an amazing person, and I feel lucky every day to have met him. I am not ready to give up even though I am scared of getting hurt. Seems it's going to come now or later, why not put it off until the last possible moment to get all the good stuff in between?

I respect the opinions of the people on this board, so, what do you think? Should I just give up, or should I keep trying to convince him that we should take all the time together we can get?

Derbylicious 10-06-2010 05:08 PM

If the two of you are really into each other why not enjoy what you have for now. The success of a relationship shouldn't depend on it lasting forever. He's been up front with you that this isn't likely going to be a forever intimate relationship for him. Is there a chance that down the line you could move into a friendship with him if he was to meet someone else?

mewtastic 10-06-2010 05:32 PM

Thanks, Derbylicious.

Yeah, that's what I think, too, that we should just get all the enjoyment that we can out of it while it lasts. I guess I was just wondering if it seemed crazy to want to draw something out if it was doomed to fail...

Thanks for the input.

Derbylicious 10-06-2010 05:35 PM

Things change and nothing is absolutely doomed to fail. The chances might be higher but so what? Since we're living in a world of a 50% divorce rate why is knowing a relationship might end any worse than not knowing and having it end anyway?

redpepper 10-07-2010 06:14 AM

We have a friend that has been with his mono girlfriend for about a year. He came into their relationship on the verge of his polyness and put it on hold for her. She and he agreed that they would try out their love and when it ended it ended. Some time later now they are still at it. He has all but dropped out of the community because it can be really hard for him on many levels. He wants to do all the fun sexy stuff that some people in the community do, he wants to be able to find other loves and he basically wants to hang out without her feeling like we are all a threat. She does not want him spending time with us, doesn't want to know us and thinks that he is fine and committed and changed. she seems to think that his staying away from the community events is because he isn't interested, not because he finds it hard because it pushes him to think.

In talking to him, he has decided that he will not push her. Against suggestion to push her a bit, he has decided that the risk of losing her is too great. He realizes he has invested a lot in her and she in him and that when it was make or break time when they talked about all this early on, that he had consciously decided to suppress his nature because his love for her was bigger.

I admire him. I think his love much be huge if he is willing to take this course and suppress his feelings to be with her. He talks with Mono and I often because we are in a similar dynamic. Me with a mono man. The difference is that I have other lovers, albeit no more male sexual ones and Mono has none of the threats or fear that his partner has. Mono and I have made similar commitments and negotiated boundaries around his mono nature and my poly one. I will not take another male lover while with him and if I do, then our sexual relationship will end. I can hang out with whomever I want to and establish loving relationships with whomever I want to knowing the boundary in place.

I don't have a need to take on other lovers. I have enough. I don't need any more variety. It took me awhile to get there. I thought my freedom was jeopardized and that he was unfair. once I understood that I am really fine where I am I was okay and we could allow each other to have the boundaries we needed. But it took a whole lot of heart to heart discussions coming from a place of respect and honesty. I even remember hearing him say that he didn't think we would last.

You can create whatever you want from your relationship with this man if you keep finding the line where the boundary lies. He can push a bit, you can push a bit, until you know where it is and can trust that he knows where it is. I screwed up a bit but got to know where it is. I suspect it will change and move around a bit, and we will keep checking in on that, but for now I know where I stand and feel safe and have all the freedom in the world from that feeling. Commitment to "us" is so freeing!

MonoVCPHG 10-07-2010 06:43 AM


Originally Posted by mewtastic (Post 47500)
Should I just give up, or should I keep trying to convince him that we should take all the time together we can get?

"Should I just give up" is a statement that indicates you are clinging on to something. You shouldn't have to "cling" to anything if you are both happy in the situation. You understand each other and the limits of where you can take your relationship so why not relax in that? If this is all you talk about or comes up every conversation than someone is denying what they want right now in my opinion. Someone is trying to sway the other. Either he is hoping to convince you to drop the poly idea or you are hoping he will change his mind about it ending.
Honestly, if he is truly vocal about waiting to jump ship for a mono partner then what do you really mean to him? Is that love?

Yes,as Redpepper said, I would express my love for her in a non physical way if some circumstances changed, but I am not waiting for any other partner that is mono to replace her. I will always love her and although admittedly I have expressed almost an expectation for us to end in the future it has never crossed my mind that it would be due to something "better" coming along....There is no better.

If you can both be happy and not focussed on the potential end than I think you should take as much enjoyment, love and passion from this as possible. Otherwise I can't see a reason to prolong this.

mewtastic 10-14-2010 10:42 PM

I think we have come to a place that is good for both of us, at least for now... I feel like we are both putting a lot of time and energy into making this work, even though we might understand that it's not forever. Really, I am just thankful for the time I have with him right now!

I definitely don't feel like I am "clinging" to anything. When I said "give up", I meant it in the sense of ceasing to do something, as in ceasing to see him, not holding on too tightly to something that was trying to get away.

Seeing him and spending time with him is one of the highlights of my week; he makes me laugh and gives me those "good chills" and I am beginning to feel a lot more relaxed... He hasn't said anything recently about being dissatisfied, and has expressed happiness, and I am feeling a lot less anxious. Part of me wonders if part of my stress wasn't just PMS, lol.

Thanks for the kind words everyone :)

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