The Adventures of Spaghetti Cat
I thought about starting a blog..... but didn't know where or how, so here is my journal.
I am currently in my first poly relationship. I have always felt like I needed to have super close relationships with others, and if you have read my other posts literally been told and thought to myself I wish I could clone myself so i could be with XYZ.
My first exposure to anything Poly was through my sister, it turns out she had a triad and tried to explain things to me because at that time i did not know her basically at all. At first I was a bit shocked, she never ever shared personal details of her life but with things we were talking about it made sense for her too explain. Once I understood how their triad worked, and actually met one of their ex girlfriends (whom they are still friends with) it kind of solidified this idea in my head that I need to do more research.
I remember the first time I brought this up to my husband, asking him what he thought about poly relationships and that my sister was in one, explained her dynamic as best I could and left it as that. A couple months later I brought it up again and asked if he would be open to reading "opening up", he said sure why not... so we started to read it, and I continued reading(lurking really) on here and other blogs and such.
I remember talking to a couple close internet friends about it not realizing the implications, because at that point I "hadn't done any wrong" and for them "poly is wrong". I was very close with one friend so I talked to him about it- he was mostly against it and kept saying things like "maybe you married the wrong person, why cant 1 person be enough, isnt that just giving permission to cheat so you don't feel guilty.
Another friend was basically outraged at my interest in this lifestyle. Turns out both of those guys were "madly in love with me" blahblahblah. I ended up having to stop those friendships for a while because
1. I couldn't deal with the anger from D and
2. The other guy was so crazy in love with me it was just not ethical. When I pulled my head out of my ass it should have been obvious how much he cared for me/ was in love with me whatever but I was just learning and talking and didn't really see it. At this point my husband and I hadn't really set up our boundaries, but I knew that the "other guy" would always want more and be a threat to my marriage and I felt that any relationship with him would take away from my first relationship instead of add or enhance.
Anyways after that we had some illness and deaths in the family and basically put all convos about poly away because there was just other things to be dealt with, and at the time I was upset from the two situations I had already gone through so I was happy to leave it alone for a bit.
Anyways a few months later we moved and as we unpacked, out came the book! We sat down and read some more, talked some more and set up some basic boundaries but neither of us had anyone in mind. Fast forward a little more and i met L. Well I didn't actually meet him, we were online in a voice chat and I declared that he was to be my new BFF (yes, I know I am a little old for that, but its kind of who I am).
Anyways he laughed and agreed only because I meowed a lot I suppose. A couple nights later I was bored it was about 1am so we decided to hang out and go for a drive... It was a total blast jsut driving around rocking out to music and at the end of the night (morning?) 5amish we stopped and had breakfast at Dennys :)
Anyways I knew right away I wanted to date L. He was funny, sweet and cute! We made jokes about him never dating a white girl before and me never dating a black guy before but that is about as far as that conversation went because basically since it was the first time I was meeting him, I made sure he was very aware that if I went missing, so would he... (Okay I totally exaggerated and brought pepper spray but a girl has to be safe right?) PS i promise I don't often run around with people I don't know in the middle of the night. Only when I am very very bored :P
Anyways the next day i start talking to my husband(m), asking him what he thinks how he feels and that I would like to date L. I asked him to think about it, pulled out our list of boundaries and talked about what I hoped both relationships would give to me and both of them. He seemed okay with it but I think at first he thought something had happened- so I had to explain that I didn't do anything, but the thought crossed my mind so I wanted to talk to him about it.
Now comes the interesting part. This was a little bit of a whirlwind for me. The next time L and I hung out I asked him what he thought about poly relationships, he didn't know what it meant so I explained as best as I could. We talked a lot about his past relationships (he identifies as mono) and what he needs and wants in a relationship but we left it at that. The next day we hung out again and I asked him if he was interested in maybe dating me... He was super hesitant (remember when I said I over exaggerated ?, well that scared the crap out of him!) but said he was interested and wanted to talk to my husband to make sure it was 100% okay with him.
More talking, negotiation etc went on but all parties seemed (or at least verbalized) they were okay with the situation, so down to the clinic we went to get tests (part of our rules).. We hung out a lot and I got to experience NRE again, but since I had read about it I made extra effort in ensuring my M felt loved, secure and safe with everything and that it actually was enhancing our lives not taking away from it for the most part!
Fast Forward to today:
Have been with L for about 2 months, been married to M for about 4 years and things are great. We have gone through a bit of drama.... Accidentally got very drunk and said some things that made most of our close group question our marriage, or at least were curious about it.... It was kind of a PR nightmare but it is alll good :)
We ended up explaining our current situation, why (but not who) to the hosts whom we are very good friends with. My friend's husband decided he wanted to be non sexual (except cuddling?) movie buddies with me and quickly declared he was poly. We went on one movie "date" but I am not really sure I have time for all that. I have some issues with how he has treated his wife in this situation, and as I am friends with both it ended up for a while I was the wife's best friend and counselor, and also the girl her husband went to movies with. He quickly started using the label poly to ditch her, which made me feel terrible. I don't really know if he is or is not poly. He seems to only want to have friendships but at the same time i think he is just saying that to gauge the water with his wife and has asked me many questions to suggest otherwise- such as, oh do you just have a physical relationship with your boyfriend or emotional as well (to which I replied, dude its called polyamory not poly fuck whoever I want)
That is a whole other story for another time but since they have been married for almost 9 years I have encouraged that they start to have some open, caring and thoughtful conversations. I am still close with his wife but for now have put aside the option for even being movie buddies since I am just concerned.... hmmm
Also after several talks and about two weeks of trying(obviously its not toally figured out) it seems that M needs much less time and affection to feel loved, wanted and needed as he has other things that he enjoys doing which fill that need for him and L needs more, so they are basically both my primaries if you want to label them.
At this time I have had a lot of things happen- non relationship related but all I can say is even with the drama, all the added talks, effort, crying, happiness everything I don't think I have ever felt so happy or true to myself in my entire life, and that is a wonderful thing!:D
Just wanting to get stuff off my chest, I guess kind of a rant but its long, dont feel obliged to read.. sometimes writing things helps me review them and understand them :)
I am having a hard time not juggling my life at the moment... Does that make any sense?
For about 3.5 years I did pretty much nothing, and when I say nothing? I mean n.o.t.h.i.n.g. No job, no school, no volunteering, just nothing. I moved away from a very busy life, so it was a huge change, not only having no friends, no job, but just not even anywhere I could walk to and be safe.
I went from going out 6 nights of the week to leaving the house only at 3am to check the mail... It was very much not like me and it was a shock to the system. Slowly, I started making new friends (carefully because of some issues that happened in the first year) but have and will always miss love and cherish the ones "back home".
My husband was "out of town" for the first year or so, which made it a lot harder as well. Anyways some major life events happened, and then we moved. After one of these life events I seemed to change back to "spaghetticat!"
I started being exciting about everything, jumping into everything heads first, learning and reading and spending time with new friends and just having fun. Then things got VERY crazy, very fast. I started my first poly relationship,I went back to school, made more friends who liked to party all the time. It wasn't really a bad thing, but after other events happened I ended up being constantly busy- like everyday. Also took on a very large leadership position A huge drastic change. This is all within the span of a couple months, but most of it within about 1 month. I like to be busy and have things to do, but at some points I did feel like I was spread way too thin.
Things started to change quickly with that, my (second primary?) became very very busy with school work and other activities. My (first?) primary became more busy with work, and needed more time for his non work activities. Because of several issues, I had to drop out of school, but my friends are still busy, I had tried to step away from "partying" every weekend (I am too old for it lol) and then other things happened which made me feel awkward to hang out with certain friends. Throw talk of having a child in there and it feels like I am walking backwards in circles.
Also because of this extra time, I start over reacting, over thinking and over worrying about everything, its not so great for my psyche. I know things will change and I need to make myself do some things just at least for myself if not for everyone I have relationships with.
With that being said I am truly thankful to have found this place. I did find it a while ago, but it took me a while to sign up and talk openly, and figure out exactly who I am (still a work in progress, i hope for the rest of my life).
Already I have met some of the kindest and caring people I could hope to find in this journey. I know that "this too shall pass", I just wanted to get it out :)
I am also thankful that I have very supportive relationships, and taking care of them helps me feel like I am "doing" something in my life, and them just being there for me while I am going through this is just amazing. I hope that I can return the favor if they ever need it.
Things have been particularly un-crazy lately. L has been working a LOT in addition to school and M also has been working a lot. I am missing out on the time I am used to having with both.
IN the main time I have been having some me time.. Not really my favorite thing but not too terrible, watching movies, playing games, chatting with old friends...
I am VERY excited, I get to go visit my sister in less than 3 weeks! I was hoping M could come with me but it doesn't look like it is going to work.
I am going today to meet with one of my old instructors (of the school I dropped out of). I already miss school like crazy but with everything including the scholarship issue (working on!) and timing and length it just seems like now is not the right time.
Coming up on some complicated roads ahead....!
And enters complication.... For all intensive purposes, L has been acting single as his family is very nosy and very conservative... which brought him to having a friend offer to be his "wing man" at this party we are all going to.. He didnt know what to say so said that sounds good... We talked about it and there is a slight issue if one person finds out WHO it is I am dating as he is a member of this group we are all in together, but mostly everyone else in the group knows we have some kind of alternative relationship they just aren't sure who is also involved.
Then we start talking about things like the future, and group living and such. Neither of them are okay with it right now, but we have not talked about it and the relationship is still new. Not to mention we would have to figure out how group living would work and affect any kids (which should happen in the next few years). I love them both to the point that I understand they might not be interested and to be 100% honest, I would rather be sad and missing L then him not having what he wants in life. I don't want that at all, but because I love him that is how i feel.... Things are still pretty good just hoping they stay that way, and all this complication within the group is easily ended.
Well, I spent some time with my family In Canada, it was totally wonderful, I even got to meet my sister and her hubby's girlfriend, who is very sweet.
Its very obvious L is not used to being away from loved ones for so long, so I felt bad, but M did really well, as we are so used to being apart, especially when its somewhere "safe". Coming back was a bit awkward. This was the only time M demanded that he be the one to pick me up from the airport. I didn't really see it as a big deal, and if it made him happy it makes me happy.
i was a bit sad that M was super hesitant for me making plans on Sunday and wanted to spend time with me, but on Sunday all he wanted to do was watch football.. which would have been fine but I know L really wanted to see me, so I was a bit irritated. I feel like things have changed in M's perspective so we are going to need to sit and talk about stuff just to see what is going on. he is working these new crazy hours that don't really make that work, but it is the most important thing to me.
Thats all for now :)
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