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-   -   fearful but wanting so bad ... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=38919)

ShakingFlower 01-24-2013 10:49 AM

fearful but wanting so bad ...
Hi ya'll

I know you probably get these topics all the time and I'm sorry if I am just another one of those lol ... I have been in a LDR with Master for close to two years. From the very get go I had always stated that I wanted to be mistress of my house with only his as my master, he could use my pets when he choose to. He agreed to this and we talked about being able to love more than one person at a time which I have felt before. We are getting closer to me being able to be in the same state as him which would be awesome cos I cant see it working any other way. I am now really worried about his attitude towards everything. As I am his submissive I do serve him with my complete mind body and soul, but as I always say, thats why I want to remain a sub rather than slave to have my own thoughts and opinions ... Lately he has been saying things along the lines of "I am quite happy being single or not having LTR" He wants to live his way of having many female partners (I'm bisexual so I'm all for that) but now it seems that rather than the way I viewed it in the house with a strict D/s boundary that he wants it in vanilla terms, when he wants or I go .... his way or the highway. We have had one trust issue in the past that was my causing which i wont get into other than to say that I am totally over that now and moved onto a point in which I thought we were both thinking the same. I have tried explaining to him and he tells me his way is fine, but his comments and actions say different. I only have a few months left before I move and dont want to if I am still carrying all this fear. Fear that I am only being used to get what he wants, fear that I will be left alone, fear that the time I spend with him now will be much less in the future, fear that I will be just a thing ...

I want so badly to see my dream come true with him, and wish I could give it to him his way ... but I'm so scared, I hate the jealous feelings with a passion I dont like emotional stress at all ....

Please if you could direct me to some useful information, or if your story is similar I would love to hear it ?

Tamcat 01-24-2013 02:10 PM

I would personally say, consider if your life would still be better off in the new state you are moving to if the relationship was not a factor? Given the doubts you are expressing in your post- is it possible you are too carried away with the fantasy of how you want the relationship to be instead of facing the reality of how the relationship will likely go? And will you still be ok if you move and things go south? I think wanting and hoping are wonderful things, but keeping one foot firmly on the ground in reality and making sure you're not completely turning your life upside down for something you're not sure will be what you want and need is also a good thing. So maybe consider what happens if you move and things do not turn out the way you'd hoped? What can you do, plan for, to make sure that you will still be ok regardless?

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