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-   -   Relationship in need of unbiased outsiders... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3887)

Sorrolyn 10-05-2010 11:55 PM

Relationship in need of unbiased outsiders...
 
I have been with my current boyfriend for around five years now. About two years ago I told him I was interested in becoming poly. At the time he wasn't interested at all so I mostly let the subject die and had the mindset that we were just going to be monogamous for the rest of our lives. I was fine with that, but a year later he says he is interested in trying polyamory. We touched on a few basic rules like no sex without a condom, our relationship is priority, and we are always open and honest about everything. Neither of us were actively looking, but I happened to run across someone that was interested about a month ago.

The guy I met, lets call him Stan, wasn't into polyamory so we just stayed friends. However the more he got to know me the more he found that he wanted to be with me in any way he could. He caved and decided he could deal with becoming my second boyfriend, basically, and a few weeks later he came for a visit. From the time I started talking to him to the time he came for a visit was about a month. I suggest that we have the guy eventually live with us, if the visit went well, so I wouldn't have to split my time too much between them. My boyfriend, lets call him James, agreed. Visit time came and we all got along well, but after Stan left James found that he didn't want Stan to move in with us because he didn't want to be financially responsible for a third person in case they lost their job. I agreed, but told him all of the pros and cons of another guy living with us and not living with us to make sure he knew what would happen if he didn't. Fast forward to two weeks later and it just didn't work out with Stan and I.

It's been about a week since everything ended with Stan and in the meantime James and I have been discussing what the real problems really are. One issue was he thought he could deal with me having another man while he looked for a woman as long as I didn't bring the other man around and didn't discuss what went on when I was with the other. He has found that he was wrong and wants to find a partner before me instead since I don't have much of a problem finding someone. He said he didn't think it was fair, analogy time, that I got to enjoy a juicy burger while he didn't get anything. I didn't like the idea of waiting for him to find a partner first because it's possible he would never find someone even though I think he is an exceptional man. However I could see why he would feel that way so I reluctantly agreed to not look for anyone until he found someone. He felt like he was being the bad guy in asking me to wait so he agreed that I could look for someone too very recently. I found someone within a day of him offering me this option and now he doesn't want me to meet this person in real life until he finds a lady that he can carry a dialogue with and has potential to be something more.

The question(s) I have is if this is normal in polyamorous relationships. Do poly couples try to find partners at the same time so everything is fair?

Directly from James here is what he has to say:

"Does the loneliness go away when one partner is with another? If it doesn't does talking to someone else (a potential second) help the situation or is physical contact needed? How rare is it to find a "unicorn"(A female that would be interested in this arrangement) and should I just expect to never find one and be OK with it? Am I doing this wrong? I understand this all varies from person to person but I would just like to hear from people that may have experienced this. "

redpepper 10-06-2010 12:29 AM

I wondered if you have read this thread

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3861

we were just talking about something similar....

Sorrolyn 10-06-2010 12:40 AM

Thank you very much for the link to that thread. I have been skimming the first page of this forum and didn't find something similar so I figured I'd ask. Much appreciated. :)

Ariakas 10-06-2010 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sorrolyn (Post 47405)
The question(s) I have is if this is normal in polyamorous relationships. Do poly couples try to find partners at the same time so everything is fair?

I think you will find this common early on. Heck most are pure unicorn hunters in the beginning being both wanting to date the same person. So this is common enough.

You generally see this not work out, the guy inherently will almost always be slower to find someone new. So there could be resentment. This can be battled against as long as everyone is aware of the general patterns. This doesn't always apply, but it is part of the journey.

We see lots of couples come on here and the couple has been poly for years. The girls has had a number of relationships and the guy is still looking. If they had locked into that rule, there would be a lot of resentment created.

Just something to consider :)

Derbylicious 10-06-2010 04:56 PM

Even if you both do have someone at the same time it doesn't mean that both of those other partners are going to be available the same amount of time. He doesn't have "nothing" he has you. Relationships need to be valued for what they are, if you start comparing what you have with what someone else has a lot of the time you end up feeling like you're getting the short end of the stick. Very rarely in life are things exactly equal and fair.

ETA I'm not good at this, I tend to compare too. I know how I'm supposed to think it doesn't mean that it always works out well for me though.

Sorrolyn 10-06-2010 07:27 PM

Thank you two, and any future responses, for responding to my topic. Your advice has really helped. :)

Breathesgirl 10-06-2010 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sorrolyn (Post 47405)
Directly from James here is what he has to say:

"Does the loneliness go away when one partner is with another? If it doesn't does talking to someone else (a potential second) help the situation or is physical contact needed? How rare is it to find a "unicorn"(A female that would be interested in this arrangement) and should I just expect to never find one and be OK with it? Am I doing this wrong? I understand this all varies from person to person but I would just like to hear from people that may have experienced this. "

I've found that the surest cure for loneliness is to go out and do things. When Breathes (my primary) is busy with someone else I spend time with my kids, go out with friends, take a bubble bath with candle & a book, enjoy some quiet time, work on a hobby I don't have much time for when he's around. When I'm with Possibility (my secondary) Breathes will go out with friends, write, enjoy alone time, whatever he feels he needs to do at that point in time.

We've been together 5 1/2 years & non-monogamous the whole time. We would love it if we found that mythical & oh-so-sought-after unicorn but the reality is that there aren't an awful lot of women (or men) who are bi-sexual and want to be locked into a relationship where they can't see others as well. Keep your options open for MORE than just the elusive unicorn.

There are as many different ways of doing polyamoury as there are people practicing it so there is really no wrong way of doing it as long as all participants (and their other partners) are consenting adults.


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