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Prophesy 10-05-2010 05:55 AM

Help !!!
Hi Everyone,

My name is Greg. I’m 26 – have two kids and have been in an open relationship for the best part of the last 10 years…
So how do I begin… I want to condense this, because I am at work and I am not a big fan of typing anyways..

So let me break it down for you…

(sexually) open relationship for 10 years, all that stuff…
We use to do things sexually (3somes and stuff) with this guy who has been a friend of ours for as long as we have known each other… (10 years)

Well as time goes by – The friend and my partner develop feelings… as you do when you have known someone for 10 years… you start to love them..

So about a year ago – she discovered polyamory. This was a hug relief to her, as she realised that its completely normal to be able to love more than one person…. I always knew she was close to Ben, I knew Ben loved her… but about a year ago they decided that they would label their “deep friendship” a relationship… I was like – “well I am not one for labelling things and I don’t care for external opinions” so I let them go…

Polyamory here we come – woo…

Yeah – I didn’t mind Ben and Nanda being in love… as they always did love each other anyway– the only difference that now it was “official” – cool didn’t really bother me..

But as that relationship has continued to develop over the past year… I have been steadily been feeling feelings of regret, entrapment and insecurities…

It has come to a point now, where I am not unhappy – I live a comfortable life, I have everything I need… I am just dissatisfied with her not being completely mine… is this my ego? I don’t tell my friends and people in my circle about the relationship between them. I don’t, because I am embarrassed and ashamed about it… its kind of like a dirty secret – that I keep out of the public eye… I view myself as weak for letting it start in the first place…

Anyway – this is already getting to long… point is – I am now dissatisfied with them being in a relationship… and I don’t know if I want to be part of this “3 way relationship” or not… I am feeling lost…. Will I be ok – if I live this lifestyle??

I don’t like sharing my time with my girl?
I don’t like when they fight?
I don’t know exactly what it is that makes me so – god-dam unhappy about them being in a relationship.
I don’t want Ben to get Hurt.
I don’t want Nanda to get hurt.
I don’t want to be single.
But I don’t want to live my life this way…
(no offence to you guys –I know polyamory can be a wonderful thing)

I wish Ben wasn’t there – even though, he is great with the kids and the house work – much better than me… Does that make me selfish…
Should I place my own need for satisfaction, above the fact that Ben is a wonderful helpful person?

I don’t want to leave.
I don’t want to stay.
I don’t feel I can live this way forever.

Latley - I have been feeling sad and lost...

Please help me.

Love – Greg

redpepper 10-05-2010 07:22 AM

Poor you Greg, I can feel your pain in your post. I'm sorry you are hurting :(

Two things I wonder... is it just the label that made a change for you? If they were to stop calling it poly love and a poly relationship or what ever they call it, then would you feel better?

also, is it because you don't feel a part of it now that you have a vee arrangement with her being the hinge and having two men in her life? It sound like it was originally about sex between the two of you and now it's them and you... was there a change there?

Perhaps figuring out specifics would help...

*how much time does she spend with him?
*when you spend time together do you do special things together?
*have you organized your time so that it is balanced and dealt out in such a way that you all are happy?
*are there things she is not doing or saying that make you feel loved and appreciated?
*have you been communicating your needs and expressing your needs in a respectful way and engaging her in talking about her own needs and feelings

There is a lot on this forum that is worth reading that could help. Perhaps looking at the stickies (poly lessons learned... perhaps?), and doing some tag searchs would help.

That being said, Poly isn't for everyone and I'm not offended if you don't think it's the best time ever... personally anyways. I just think that after 10 years there is a lot of water under the bridge and you might just have a good foundation that would work... maybe some tweaking is all that is needed to get you on track to feeling confident that things will be okay.

sage 10-05-2010 09:40 AM

Hi Greg

I agree with everything Redpepper has said and she has covered most points.

This is a great forum for anyone involved with a poly person. You now technically fall into the category of "mono" in a poly relationship and we are a bit of a niche group here but there are a few of us. I also have a blog dedicated to the topic polyamorouspeople.com.

I felt like you on and off for a couple of years but once I started getting help via forums and from people who had experienced what I was experiencing things started to really turn around.
Mono/poly relationships aren't easy but they can be very successful, you just have to open your mind and your heart and have a partner who is prepared to work with you.

Keep posting.:)

Derbylicious 10-05-2010 04:35 PM

One of the first things that stood out for me is that you're 26 and have been in this relationship for 10 years! I found that about the same time in my relationship (hubby and I have been together since I was 17) that things really got shook up. Although we went in a different direction, from having a mostly closed relationship to opening up. Maybe the shake up in a relationship is something that happens when you get to that point of really being an adult and start to think more about what YOU want.

I think that all of you should sit down and talk about what you want and what your goals in your relationship(s) are. I hope that you can all work out something that is going to work out for all of you. At 10 years in it's not going to be without a lot of emotional involvement. On the bright side there is also that solid foundation of caring and respect that has been built over the past decade.


redpepper 10-05-2010 05:46 PM

Agreed on the goal setting. I'm wondering what kind of long term goals you have planned? Perhaps a plan would get everyone on board towards working on a future together.

Prophesy 10-05-2010 10:17 PM

Hey Guys,

Thank you for your kind words. In some way, you have helped…

Over the past 24 hours, I have come to the conclusion that – just because I enjoyed a open relationship with my partner in the past – doesn’t make me polly! I have just been sucked into this world by chance…

Yes – they have love for each other, but I don’t have love for Ben – I like this guy as a friend, but love – real deep meaningful feelings are not there for him…
So now that I have made this clarification I can move forward.

In my head, I am saying – congratulations for giving it a go Greg. Congratulations for being open minded… but in the end, this life style doesn’t work for me. I know this, because I can’t stand displays of affection between them – just makes me uncomfortable and annoyed…

Great! Now I have a new problem… how do I approach this? I mean, Nanda is going to get hurt in the end… I know this, because I am not prepared to live in this 3way forever… I feel like their relationship is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode – these feeling I have are going to rear their ugly head sooner or later…

Ok the other thing I left out of my OP – is my other stupid behaviour… I don’t think I have been happy about their relationship from the start – the real problem here has been created by me. I have been hiding being drugs (pot) – it has been such an easy way to escape the reality of the situation… as it stands today – I am more addicted to pot than I have ever been at any point in the past!!

Deep deep down, I know I have been running from these feelings – I guess I have reached breaking point, and I am starting to approach these feelings head on – which has just caused my mood to be nothing less than despicable for at least the last two weeks…

I am working on getting off the pot – so I can approach what feel is a significant life event, with a clear mind. Last night was the first night I havnt smoked it in about 8 months… I couldn’t sleep!!! I have had about 3 hours of sleep all up.. .yay for me…

The other thing that could be compounding these issues is, I have a real problem with living with other people. Just getting use to their little sub conscious living habits, such as leaving windows open, not cleaning up after them selves – just stupid crap like that… but when I get an annoyance from some stupid thing ben does – almost automatically – my brain links it back to “FUCKING NANDA AND BEN AND THEIR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP” – so I guess I have some deep buried feelings of resentment towards Ben for you know – just being Ben… I know this is completely unfair to Ben – but how am I meant to change what I feel? Sorry, but there are deep emotional issues there that I don’t even understand… so I guess they just spew out in the form of frustration…

The other OTHER thing, is I guess I view Ben as a very self centred arrogant person.. don’t get me wrong, he can be a great person, and he is capable for many wonderful things – but I think fundamentally he always puts himself first… but he would be the last person to admit that… His actions suggest that he only really thinks of himself.

Anyway – things don’t change over night, and I still hate typing… so if you have read this far I thankyou. The fact that you are reading this means you are interested in other peoples lives and problems… If we all lived for other people, the world would be a different place.

So thanks again for your kind words… I guess I will keep this thread updated depending on how this pans out…

I have two choices.
1. Keep the peace, smoke pot – and just let everyone live.
2. Deal with the issues, get off the pot – and cause a whole lot of chaos in my life.
I don’t want to go through option 2 – but option 1, will just cause stagnation in my life, and as you all know humans are expanding beings and stagnation is intolerable..

Derbylicious 10-05-2010 10:22 PM


Originally Posted by Prophesy (Post 47393)

I have two choices.
1. Keep the peace, smoke pot – and just let everyone live.
2. Deal with the issues, get off the pot – and cause a whole lot of chaos in my life.
I don’t want to go through option 2 – but option 1, will just cause stagnation in my life, and as you all know humans are expanding beings and stagnation is intolerable..

You're only selling yourself short if you go with option 1. You would be denying yourself any chance of actually being in a situation where YOU are happy. It might be that the relationship between you and Nanda won't work out, but all that means is that you are both in the position to truly be happy. I'm not saying that you should just give up and move on. It's going to take time and work to figure out how everyone is going to end up happiest. I can hear in your typing how much you're hurting over this. I hope you find your answers soon.

redpepper 10-06-2010 12:45 AM

Just because you are having a hard time now doesn't mean it will always be that way or that it has to be that way... these things take time... we all of us on here are struggling and working on how to make our lives comfortable and sane... take a read, do some searchs. You will see in no time that you are not alone and that you can do it.

Get off the pot. I have had two partners that smoke and I left both of them. I need someone who is going to take their lives on, not sit and just let it pass them by all the while just settling. this is a chance to make your self great, rather than... meh *shrug* you have one life and a woman that says she loves you. how can you find a way to nurture your love with her and be the best you can be? that is the question as far as I can see it anyway.

sage 10-06-2010 08:55 AM

I think you have until this point avoided the potential pain by smoking the pot. Once you get off it and actually confront the issues you might find that things aren't as bad as you thought.

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