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LadyKismet 06-23-2009 04:21 AM

Good Evening, Everyone!
Hello, my name is Heather. I believe I am poly, even though my husband is pretty much turned off on the idea now. We attempted a group of three before but it was disastrous. I believe now that the problem was that we were thinking strictly with our privates, and not our hearts, if I may be so crass? ;)

It was disastrous because we randomly chose a female that just happened to be into us both (though I was not really into her, just missing a female) and she was half my age, and the epitome of the perfect female, skinny and perfect, and I'm just a chubby mom, lol, and it, to be honest, tweaked my jealousy button a bit too much. But there were so many factors involved. One of which that she always had a wall up. Not only did I not have feelings for her, which I believe was my biggest wall, but she wore a mask, if you can understand my meaning, and there was none of her true self coming through. I intuited at the time that the most important part of this was to share feelings, emotions, fears, joys, and the like (most important for us, and where we were, and what me and my partner were looking for). There was none of that stuff. Just the sexual part, but none of the love and closeness.

Anyway, that was my one experience with Polyamory. I hope to talk more about where I am in my life and what brought me here in the appropriate forum. Hope all is well, and I'm happy to be part of the clan!

Love and Light! :D


MonoVCPHG 06-23-2009 05:21 AM

Welcome Heather! I think you and my life love Redpepper could share some good advice. I think I may have just coined a proper term for her as opposed to "Girlfriend"! Thanks Heather :D

LadyKismet 06-23-2009 06:20 AM

Why thank you, sir ^_^ It's always nice to meet good people. Nice to meet you! :)

redpepper 06-23-2009 06:21 AM

hi heather.
yes I can relate to your experience.

I took a female intimate friend who was 25 into my life. I am turning 40 this winter. She is a lovely woman and I am beginning to love her as a friend, but there was something not right about our sex life. First off she was a virgin and I have tons of experience. She never really told me this or anything else about herself really. I think she was kind of shy that she had not lived as much life as I and instead of saying that decided to just not communicate her emotions or thoughts.

I have also tried the whole sex without love/connection/friendliness that develops with time. I really suggest giving every relationship time to develop before adding sex to the relationship. It really seems to save on heartache later....

having said that, I broke all my own rules when I met Mono.... I just knew it was a huge connection we had right off the bat. It was helpful to have some rules for myself though and they have changed and morphed with time to suit my situation now.

My rules back then were to have a coffee date first, then maybe another or a walking date, then to meet my husband and then a dinner date that is more romantic. Is that right? I can't remember exactly it was so long ago. It worked though and set some guidelines for myself and who I was dating and getting to know. The expectations were clear that way. After the meeting my husband part, then I would think about sex. Well, I thought about it the whole time really, but only considered acting on it until then.

A lot of the time my dates didn't get past a coffee or two.

There really is no right answer here I don't think. People come into ones life for us to learn from them.... for example, I had an intimate friend that I thought i knew fairly well who turned out to be someone different. I chose not to pay attention to that gut feeling as there are things I really like about him, but when he started bad mouthing my husband and "life love" (I love that term Mono!), then I had to end the intimate part of our friendship and possibly will end the friendship all together (it's still in the works). I learned a lot from this as you have with your female friend. She was sent to teach you something and it's okay to just move on and take what you have learned. No doubt she has learned a lot too.

good luck... happy reading and welcome to the forum

LadyKismet 06-23-2009 06:34 AM

Thanks for your advice! I tell ya, every little bit helps. It's like feeling around in the dark, and I appreciate a little light shed of the subject! :)

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