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-   -   Help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3876)

jcatx 10-04-2010 08:30 PM

Help
 
Ok..I have been married monogamous for almost 3 years and have always been monogamous. but something has always felt missing for me. this is my second marriage..I have kind of fallen for one of my husbands good friends. Being the type of person who cannot keep secretes and can't stand lying I told my husband of my feelings. After talking for a while about polyamory he gave me permission to talk to his friend. well it has been really rocky. His friend at least lives a couple hours away so we have yet to have a 'date' yet but I'm not sure if it will ever get to that. My husband is on and off about his feelings with the whole thing but he always ends up giving me permission to keep talking to him...I am starting to develop feelings for him and have decided to break things off a few times because it just seems so complicated. After my husband got really angry one day and was completely against it, the next day he changed his mind and called his friend and told him it was ok with him that we talk...I am unsure of what to do really??...I am really crazy over his friend but I love my husband dearly and we have a two year old and we get along well and I love him. would you feel its ok to continue or should I cut things off and try to stop thinking of this other person? :confused:

Derbylicious 10-04-2010 10:15 PM

Take things slowly. This probably isn't something that your husband ever expected to have happen. It's likely going to take some time and it sounds like you'll be moving 2 steps forward and one step back while your husband figures out how he feels about things. It sounds to me that your husband wants you to be happy. Touch base with him daily and ask him how he's feeling. Let him know how you feel too. Work on things as they come up one issue at a time and know that likely just talking about any given issue once won't solve it. This isn't an easy path to take and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of bologna!

redpepper 10-04-2010 10:29 PM

What derby said is very valid. I would also suggest that your hubby write on here also. There are a lot of people who could empathize and offer support. You could both read and get to know that you are not alone and that others have been through similar situations and have withe made it work or not. Good luck.

jcatx 10-04-2010 10:45 PM

Thank you so much. That sounds like some good advice. He does really want me to be happy but I want him to be happy too..Its strange to me that he has never wanted anyone else except me when I thought it was normal to find other people attractive and always wondered how other relationships would be---without losing what we have.

I also feel a lot of times that something is wrong with me for being like this..how do you get over that?

Derbylicious 10-04-2010 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jcatx (Post 47238)
Thank you so much. That sounds like some good advice. He does really want me to be happy but I want him to be happy too..Its strange to me that he has never wanted anyone else except me when I thought it was normal to find other people attractive and always wondered how other relationships would be---without losing what we have.

I also feel a lot of times that something is wrong with me for being like this..how do you get over that?

If you want each other to be happy that's a really good place to start. How you get over feeling like there's something wrong with you is to keep talking about it and finding other people who feel the same way that you do and that it isn't just you.

redpepper 10-05-2010 12:33 AM

There is nothing wrong with you. You are just unique like the rest of us. :D We were all taught that we are not normal if we don't follow what is suppose to be normal. Its just what you have been taught. Over time it becomes your own normal and others seem wrong. Sometimes people sway so far over to the otherside of what society thinks is normal and they judge that they are the ones that are right. Its important, I think, to realize that we are all unique yet all different and have a right to create from our lives what works for us.

jcatx 10-08-2010 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 47250)
There is nothing wrong with you. You are just unique like the rest of us. :D We were all taught that we are not normal if we don't follow what is suppose to be normal. Its just what you have been taught. Over time it becomes your own normal and others seem wrong. Sometimes people sway so far over to the otherside of what society thinks is normal and they judge that they are the ones that are right. Its important, I think, to realize that we are all unique yet all different and have a right to create from our lives what works for us.

That makes me feel a lot better. Not like such a freak..;)How do you keep from feeling guilty when you know the other person is monogamous though? Knowing that the way you are hurts the other person? I have tried to interest him in maybe seeing or dating another person but he is very introverted-i am too but much more than me..he has chatted some with a few other girls but I think doing it to please me more so than he is interested. I have concluded he is just not into anyone else at all.

MonoVCPHG 10-08-2010 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jcatx (Post 47864)
Knowing that the way you are hurts the other person?.



Regardless of whether you are mono or poly, it's not who we are that might hurt our partners...it's what we do. If we find out that we can't do the things we need and want without hurting our partners, then thier is probably no healthy partnership to begin with.

There might be limits to what you will be able to achieve becasue of your different natures but you should always be able to achieve a state of happiness for both.


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