Talking about Polyamory to partners
So about 2 years ago I came across polyamory and realized that that described exactly how I felt about relationships and such. I was in a relationship with someone (D) and told them about it. They said that as long as it wasn't another guy (I'm bi) then they had no problem with it.
Fast forward to now. That person and I recently broke up because he had a lot of issues he needed to work on in his life and couldn't do it with me around. I ended up back with an old ex of mine (K). I've been in love with him for 6 years, but we only dated for a few months when we were young, dumb, and ignorant.
These two guys I love with all my heart, and don't think that I could ever not love them. Both of them are aware of the other, but not to the extent that I want to be with them both. I plan on explaining to D the problem that I'm having, because he is actually finally getting his life together after having an extreme wake up call when he realized that I left, and how much he loved me (no I'm not jumping into anything unless he can prove he's changed). I plan on talking to D and reminding him that while we were together my figuring out that a poly relationship was something that I could do, and get his feelings on the subject.
I'm fully aware he might walk away with a big "F U" and then I'll be without him. But I don't think he will.
K, on the other hand, is a complete vanilla. He's not to keen on the idea that I'm bi but lives with it. His family is very Catholic and attached to old German ways. He is very straight, things done in an old fashioned way, and that's it. So I'm really scared to death that if I try and approach him with this situation, he will get pissed and leave (if either of them leave, it will break me). He means everything to me, and I mean everything to him and I don't want to hurt either K or D as I love them both.
So I need some advice on how to approach this subject with him, because I'm at a lost. I mentioned the fact that I'm interested in poly relationships before but that I could try to be monogamous with him and he said ok. He didn't really pay attention to the poly part, because monogamy is really all he knows.
I'm to the point that, if it came down to it, I wouldn't be with either of them and be totally heartbroken just so that I could spare them from being hurt and angry towards me.. and that's not what I want.
Any advice would be great.
As well as if anyone could suggest some good reading materials that I could introduce to them, to explain a little further on what a poly relationship is.
I can only say that playing around (with yourself) - trying to have your cake and eat it do - is pretty frequently an exercise in frustration and failure.
you have to be 'true' to who you are as much as possible to maintain your own health & happiness. If you are truly bisexual, and truly drawn to multiple loving relationships, then trying to maintain one with someone NOT on this page is going to be difficult.
You would be (potentially) asking them to change who THEY are to satisfy you. Won't happen - or shouldn't at least.
One of the things about opening our hearts to poly loving is that along with that comes the requirement to love and move on in cases where conflict would actually undermine that love.
Does that make any sense ? Hard choices I know, but life is full of those.
I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it to, and I'm sure it does seem like that >_<
I know someone who was telling me about a friend of theirs who is poly and one of their partners is not.
Is it possible to make that work, or is that just asking too much? And has anyone ever brought up the subject of being poly and possibly having a poly relationship with someone who has never known the lifestyle and thus has never had an interest in it?
I'm hoping to not have conflict with this person because I love them so dearly. They mean so much to me. I would hate to lose them.
The thought even crossed my mind of maybe trying to be monogamous with him, but.. Would that just be betraying part of myself?
I'm sorry if it seems jumbled and rambled. If you're not able to tell, this whole situation is just confusing to me and slightly stressful.
Xeromag's polyamory FAQ is good for explaining poly basics to partners (and ex-wives!). If you're looking for something more in-depth, Mono has mentioned Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits in the Book Recommendations thread here.
Side note: there a forum protocol about embedding links like this?
You may be betraying part of yourself if you try to live a mono relationship; he may be if trying poly. Its hard to know.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
there are a lot of people that have written on this forum that are mono and a lot that have tried to bring the subject up with loves that are mono. Some of us have succeeded in Mono/poly relationships, such as Mono and I. You could read some of his earlier posts to see what we went through. you could also do a tag search for mono/poly as well.
I think really all that can be done is to keep talking, keep telling them information, encourage them to become interested and to see how they can benefit and be happy and keep realizing that it all takes time, perseverance and a whole lot of patience and love on your part.
The book recommendations thread is a good resource on here. I hope you find what you need. I wouldn't suggest giving them the "ethical slut" just yet, but reading on here might help or reading "love without limits." there are lots of other ones too.
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