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-   -   mono-poly spectrum? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3867)

bimblynim 10-03-2010 07:27 AM

mono-poly spectrum?
 
Did a search and and couldn't find anything specificly on this but obv please redirrect me if its been covered

As you may know I believe for me polyamory is a sexual orrientation. I am bi but don't think I really fit on the kinsey scale because the idea of a relationship with only one person (of any gender) feels fundimentally wrong to me (and because of this, untill i found out about poly, I always kept myself single.) So I was wondering if a kinsey type scale was constructed for mono-poly with
0=totally monogomous- could only countenence an exclusive relationship to
6= totally polyamorous unable to counternence non poly relationship,
where would you place yourself? and why?

I think I would be 5.5/6 because although (in the unlikely event I fell deeply in love with a mono person) I could promise to be sexually faithful to them, I couldn't promise not to platonicly love anyone else.

From what he's said in his other posts I suspect Mono would be arround 0.5 (though obv please forgive the assumption and correct me if i'm wrong) but I am v currios to know where other people would place themselves? What you think?

Peace and love

Nim

MonoVCPHG 10-03-2010 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bimblynim (Post 47046)

From what he's said in his other posts I suspect Mono would be arround 0.5

Nim

Sounds about right to me, my friend :) Completely monogamous with a poly partner.....well at least I'm not a zero :rolleyes:

bimblynim 10-03-2010 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 47054)
Sounds about right to me, my friend :) Completely monogamous with a poly partner.....well at least I'm not a zero :rolleyes:

Glad of that, esp as if you were a zero you wouldn't likely be on here (long) and we'd miss your perspective, have good eve :)

incidently the majority of my r/l friends are zeros

freeantigone 10-03-2010 08:34 AM

Hey bimbly :) *waves*

I don't know if I've always been poly - certainly when I was younger I didn't see why loving lots of different people at once would be a problem. As I started dating (and met my partner) monogamy seemed the only way - social conditioning told me that this was the only way to feel secure and loved.

As we settled into our relationship (we've been together 8.5 years now) the security came from within - we began to discuss seeing other people and decided that the strength of our commitment didn't mean we needed to be exclusive to feel 'secure'.

Ideologically we are both feminists and don't feel we own each other or are each other's property - poly fits in with this very well.

So we've sort of come round to being poly, we've moved from one end of the spectrum to the other.

bimblynim 10-03-2010 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by freeantigone (Post 47057)
Hey bimbly :) *waves*

Ideologically we are both feminists and don't feel we own each other or are each other's property - poly fits in with this very well.

So we've sort of come round to being poly, we've moved from one end of the spectrum to the other.

*waves back* ooh sliding fits with sexual fluidity moddel :)

If you don't feel the need/v strong preference to be poly or mono maybe you're round 3?

You guys still coming on tues? *getting excited* :D

freeantigone 10-03-2010 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bimblynim (Post 47060)
*waves back* ooh sliding fits with sexual fluidity moddel :)

If you don't feel the need/v strong preference to be poly or mono maybe you're round 3?

You guys still coming on tues? *getting excited* :D

Still coming on Tues, looking forward to it :)

I think gender/sexuality (and, like you, I kinda see poly as a sexuality) is fluid, we're all on the spectrum and can move around on it.

bimblynim 10-03-2010 10:23 AM

Thanks for sharing your experience :)
I suppose for me I find it almost impossible to conceive of myself in a mono relationship, thats why I put myself at the far end, I think theres might be more fluidity for those in the midle eg for me on the trad kinsey scale there are times i'm more atracted to male folk and times i'm more atracted to female folk, also times i'm attracted to gender queer folk, so on average I'll rate myself 3. BUT I can't imagine ever being happy in a mono relationship with any type of person, I want/need a variety of energies in my life, thats why i think i'm at the extreem end of the poly spectrum.
See you tues :D x

sage 10-04-2010 07:35 AM

Interesting thread. But how can we really place ourselves on a scale unless we've experienced a wide range of situations?

At the moment I'm mono. Z and I have a passionate relationship that is only a couple of years old (he is poly). We have briefly tried a triad which didn't work for either of us but in hindsight was probably a bit of a stretch for me as I was only bi-curious. In the time I've been with Z I have had no attraction for anyone else.

BUT, in my previous marriage I had a few affairs while still loving (or believing that I still loved) my husband. The last one galvanized things for me; I decided that I was sick of the dishonesty and put it to hubby that we should have an open marriage (hadn't heard of polyamory). He declined.

If a special someone dropped into my life who knows what could happen. But until it happens, or in the absence of it happening after many years I couldn't really say where I'd fall except that I'm obviously not at either end of the scale. Maybe slap-bang in the middle?:)

Nice to see more poms on the board.

Ariakas 10-04-2010 05:04 PM

I am not dismissing what you are saying, everyone has their own view.

but for me sexual orientation, relationship style and love style are all different concepts. They have overlapping potential ideas, but they are all very distinct.

Why try to fit everyone on one scale (and in turn label)...why not have all three..

I am a 1 on kinsey
5 on the non-monogamy scale
I have never thought long enough about the love style in this case to make up a scale.

The problem, when you start to look at poly as a sexual orientation is I think it will confuse people. Poly should be left to a relationship type. Adding in anything else confuses the situation and its explanation. Its already complex enough to truly define "loving many" to people.

Also, this should maybe be moved to general discussion. It is a good potential discussion, but might get lost in the fireplace :)

bimblynim 10-04-2010 09:35 PM

sage, from the way I've been thinking about it, yes your experiences/wishes probably do put you arround three. I don't think you have to have a wide range of experiences to place yourself (roughly, this is obv all just speculative) on a scale, I know straight and gay people who have never tried opposite orrientation sex who never the less feel that they are emphatically straight or gay. I totally concede its an odd question and people can well be fluid throught there lives (much as on kinsey) I suppose thats why i asked for explanations as well as numbers

Ari, Fair enough, I put it in fairplace coz i thought it was a bit random poleish (Sorry) sure, will move to general discussion, do I need to message a mod to move it? (did a quick serch and couldn't find how to do it myself *blushes*)

I can see that shifting definitions can confuse people and I can understand your questioning its usefulness. Please let me be clear i tend to think labels are only of limmited use, and i am only framing this question here as it is a relitively safe space, I don't want to confuse anyone, and would not espose poly as a sexual orrientation without research/considerable backup/being v sure of myself.

None the less I feel my sexuality is much more strongly tide to poly than to "being bi" so I was trying to explore this.

Although my gut instinsct is to agree that "sexual orientation, relationship style and love style"are not the same i'm not entirely sure they are as independant as we assume so not yet convinced of your three scale suggestion. I'd be interested in how you (and others) define and see the interrelationships between (though would that be a seperate thread? - forgive my inexperience in forum structure)

Peace and love (for those who it'll mean anything to, i got a glasto ticket! :D)

nim


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