Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Poly but still Mono? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=38620)

GSAS082612 01-22-2013 08:32 PM

Poly but still Mono?
Okay, so I love my significant others with all that I have and am content with our relationship. MOSTLY. Lately the pair, (they’re married) have been making it seem like a completely monogamous relationship. Planning couples dates, and having me as baby sitter because they want to “celebrate” their marriage and their anniversaries, the simple things that I do not take part of. And I do feel left out.

They made a big deal over their wedding anniversary this past October and now are making a big deal over their 3 year mark of being together as an official couple. So while they are being mono-like I am stuck as the side-show attraction and baby-sitter.

They want to fix things and I understand that. And I want them to be able to grow from their problems and the horrific incidents the two have created. It’s like a world of havoc. And its pissing me off. I mean as far as being poly goes, we are always fighting. So how the hell is polyamory working? And then if I mention something they make it seem like it’s my fault or that I should “understand”. How the hell do I understand being left out of dates? How the hell do I make sense out of the two of them growing and being together and I am just a baby sitter? WHAT THE HELL! :mad:

But truthfully it seems like this relationship is no longer polyfidelitous but monogamous with a live-in sex-toy, used for their personal enjoyment and games. And while Sam is unable to do certain things sexually it seems as if I’m doing the things he wants to because she is unable to, like a fill in for her. I don’t know exactly how polyamory works but I’m pretty sure this is not it.

All I really want to know is if there is anyone that can sympathize. That is the "odd one out" in a poly relationship that was a started marriage. Or even being apart of the marriage how can you explain this. I'm not sure how to deal. Help please

GSAS082612 01-22-2013 08:35 PM

Please help me! I need help. Im confused :(

GalaGirl 01-22-2013 09:01 PM

Well, you sound like you articulated how you feel about things right now pretty darn clear. That part doesn't sound confused to me.

While in polyship, each mini relationship needs it own time, and I get that Sam and Glenn need that. When is the time for Glenn and you and THAT mini rship? Or Sam and you? Or Glen and Sam and You? THOSE dates don't sound like they are happening.

So... are they going to be put on the calendar or not? Because if not, they fail to meet your needs.

I know it is not a fun place to be at right now. :(

Dealing with the fact that your feelings for them are in the place of A, and dealing with the fact that their feelings back for you are in the place of B. No matter what they might say, their actions speak something else.

So coming to terms with that reality and then trying to decide what to do about it -- I could see where feeling upset/confused could come in there.

What do you most want here? What do you most want to do? How do you want to meet your own needs? :confused:


Marcus 01-22-2013 09:40 PM

Not that it really matters, but I would still qualify what you guys have as a poly arrangement. I would call it hierarchical polyfidelity. I'm sure that would work for some people but it sounds like a night terror to me.

Regardless of the classification, if you aren't digging what you've got then you need to decide how you want to go about remedying that. Fortunately, if you are polyamorous, those kinds of problems are easy enough to address. If I am not getting enough of a particular thing from my partner I am free to fulfill it with someone else. For a monogamous person this is a real problem, for me it is a minor inconvenience until I find a way to get my needs met.

Note that what I am *not* suggesting is convincing your partners to change their activities in order to suit your preference. It is healthy to express your desires and feelings but it is another thing to expect that they should capitulate simply because you want something. They might adjust their behaviors to better suit you but hopefully they would only do this because it is something they are glad to do.

As far as the babysitting thing, it sounds like you're building some resentment there. Just like I would not expect them to bend over backwards in ways they don't want to, if what you are doing for them is distasteful to you... you absolutely need to change this. Continuing to bend in a way that you resent will build like poison in the relationship and, in the end, it will do FAR greater harm than good. It's an unfortunate habit people have, insisting that "painful sacrifice" is a natural part of being in a romantic relationship. I don't know where this idea comes from but it is a non-stop source of difficulty (if these forums are any indication).

AnnabelMore 01-23-2013 02:30 AM

Your situation is actually very common. People think they can add another person into their marriage and it'll all be smooth and equal, but you can't magically make up for the time they've been married and the bond that they created that you haven't had a chance to build with them yet. It just takes time, which is why the idea of adding in a third person to an existing relationship and getting a polyfidelitous triad that doesn't leave the new person feeling like the "junior" member... just doesn't seem to work so well. The girl my gf and her husband dated before me was in a similar situation. Thank god they learned from it, and when my gf and I started dating they knew better than to claim they could offer an equal partnership.

This may be of interest/use to you: http://tacit.livejournal.com/295369.html?nojs=1

BreatheDeeply 01-23-2013 02:44 AM

That's a serious amount of resentment that you've built up! Like GG said, you've articulated your feelings loud and clear. And it seems as though you've told them about your dissatisfaction without receiving the support and reciprocation that you need.

Look, I think the ball is in their court on this one. I understand that they may be acting a bit selfish in order to patch their relationship, and they should see this in themselves - but why aren't they communicating better with you to relieve your frustrations?

They should either:

Explain to you that this situation is temporary, and they should be spending more time with you as a 3some. This way they still spend time with each other but at least make an effort to tend to your needs. They should get a babysitter and take you out more often.

Or, they should be honest and tell you that they have serious problems and need time alone - without you. It's tough honesty, but it allows you to make a choice about weather or not you want to stick around. Are you in a position to leave or do they think they have you as a captive live-in babysitter?

Either way at least you know where you stand and can take back control of your future.

GSAS082612 01-23-2013 03:33 AM

My Replies to the Past Four :)
GalaGirl: I have made it clear how I feel, I'm not entirely sure they understand. But yes, I do feel left out. And it needs to change, I have made THAT much clear and then Glenn gives me the same old lecture of "we warned you it was going to be off for awhile and it's going to be hard soemtimes and i'm going to need more Sam and I times and we will have you watch Jocelynn" and as much as I am "ok" with watching the kid, I really don't like that I am not getting anytime with this relationship. >.> And GG I get exactly what you mean by saying one thing but doing another. But I don't want to lose them. But I don't want to seem vulnerable or even their "toy." What I want the most of this polyship is fair time with each other as well as time as a polyship. I want my needs to be met as well as I want to meet theirs. But I refuse to bend over backwards to make them happy 24/7. I need to be happy too. :(

Marcus: Heiarchal Polyfidelity is not my idea of being in a relationship... AT ALL. I agree with "absolute terror". I don't like that the fact that NONE of my needs are being met, and I hate that they don't see to want to try. However, I am still doing my best to make them happy because I came into this relationship wanting a relationship not a babysitting night job. I appreciate all they do for me but JUST because they clothe-feed- drive and provide for me, It doesn't mean that this isn't a relationship still. As I told GG, I don't mind but I don't like that its ALL I am doing.

Annabel More: Personally, I knew that it wouldn't be comepletely equal but shutting me out completely STILL sucks. And I still feel left out.

BreatheDeeply: Yeah, pretty much I am pretty resentful for the situation. And I have explained what I feel. And what certain things need to happen in order for me to stay but I get a lecture on and on about them "warning me". I don't know. I am completely pissed off and would appreciate getting my relationship on track before I got removed myself from the poly-ship. But yes, the ball is in their court, and they made the decision of A. But still I'm NOT getting that time I desperately need to feel loved and cared for, wanted and needed. Sexual satisfaction can be cancelled out, but still I need to know I am here for more than just sex. They both tell me I am, but I am not so sure.

GSAS082612 01-23-2013 03:39 AM

Annabel More

Originally Posted by this may be of interest/use to you: [url

much appreciated

AnnabelMore 01-23-2013 03:51 AM


Originally Posted by GSAS082612 (Post 180129)
Personally, I knew that it wouldn't be comepletely equal but shutting me out completely STILL sucks. And I still feel left out.

That is completely fair. Needing time to themselves? Needing to put more emphasis right now on shoring up their marriage? Fair enough, totally reasonable. Needing to put a hold on physical intimacy? A very touchy, extreme thing to do, but... ok, I could see maybe trying to work with that. My gf and I put a hold on physical intimacy for a whole year while she was pregnant... the hormones just made her need to "nest" with her partner. But she and I still had dates, we still cuddled, we still said "I love you." We didn't basically temporarily break up, which it sounds like is what you feel like has happened.

So, you're living with them and they're taking care of you financially? That's a tough position. Do you have the ability to get some more income coming in for yourself to prepare for the possibility of moving out? You wouldn't necessarily need to end the relationship in that case, but having some more independence would probably be a really healthy thing for you, and for this triad, if it's to continue. For your own mental health, you may need to remove yourself from the position of being "on hold" and being their free babysitter while you watch them work on their relationship. What an emotionally difficult position to be in, but also unavoidable as long as you're dependent on them, and they feel that it's what they absolutely need (though you'd really think there should be *some* flexibility there from them??).

Another good link: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Marcus 01-23-2013 04:00 AM


Originally Posted by GSAS082612 (Post 180129)
I appreciate all they do for me but JUST because they clothe-feed- drive and provide for me, It doesn't mean that this isn't a relationship still.

Yikes! That is not going to help you attain status as an equal partner in the relationship. I think you establishing your independence by getting a job, car, and maybe even your own place should be priority number one. I mean... I'd start working on that yesterday.

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:16 AM.