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-   -   Entering poly with GF working on jealousy! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=38618)

yeti 01-22-2013 07:30 PM

Entering poly with GF working on jealousy!
Hey guys, just a quick intro here, I don't want to bore anyone with my story :p

I am 24, been with my GF, "T", now for 5 years. We opened our relationship up about 3 years ago, but never really acted on it. Within the last 6 months though we've isolated the issues that would make the open relationship unsuccessful and are working through them. "T" has serious jealousy and insecurity issues which, from what i've read, are things that make being open very hard for someone. I have yet to act on our open relationship because of these issues, I would hate for something to happen to us because of someone else. Ultimately I want her, I'd love to be in a place where I could be emotionally or sexually attached to another girl but can wait.

She on the other hand has just ventured into a good place with her first ever GF, "K". They have been together for 3-4 months now and are starting to get pretty serious emotionally. "T" has, from the beginning, encouraged me to like "K" as well, which I slowly have. She also knows "K" likes me too and that we both put HER first. We have done well at being completely honest and open about everything but I am so scared of something backfiring here and me losing "T". So I ended up here opening to browse through the forums and find helpful advice :)

A little more info here on our relationship, "T" is 29 and has been divorced. She has a 6 yr old son who is amazing. "K" is 22 and a student at a local college. It's amazing, because I knew going into all of this that if "T" could find someone that I would be so happy for her. I had no idea how happy it would make me. Seeing "K" interact with "T"'s son so wonderfully, all sitting down for breakfast together, I honestly feel like i've been meant for a poly all along!

kdt26417 01-22-2013 11:38 PM

Greetings yeti,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds to me like things are moving in a positive direction for you guys. How is "T" handling the jealousy so far? My main advice would be to take it slow, baby steps, checking in often with "T" to find out how she's doing. Actually periodic three-person sit-downs with you, "T," and "K," would be a good idea.

It would probably be reassuring to "T" to know of how important she is to you, so be sure to remind her about that from time to time. And as I said, take it slow, easy does'r.

I am glad you could join our site, and hope it proves helpful to you in forming your new relationship.

Kevin T.

yeti 01-25-2013 07:11 PM

Hi Kevin, thanks for taking the time to welcome me!

It has been moving in a very positive direction so far, better than I could have imagined really. "T" is still struggling hard with her jealousy but I am being very careful to stay within her comfort range. I feel like I constantly reassure "T" how important she is to me, but she says she doesn't "feel" it. I hope to find her some good material to read over jealousy. Something to get her to look at it differently than she does now.

Anyway, thanks again Kevin for the welcome and great advice :D

kdt26417 01-25-2013 07:51 PM

You could direct "T" to the following links:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

Also, remember that "K" is a vulnerable person who has taken a personal emotional risk to be involved with you guys. So you have to be thoughtful about "K's" feelings too.

Polyamory tends to be hard work, but worth it in the long run.

Kevin T.

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