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-   -   The "third wheel" syndrome. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=386)

MonoVCPHG 06-22-2009 05:22 PM

The "third wheel" syndrome.
 
Hi everyone, just wondering how other people handle a similar situation.

Redpepper and her husband were hosting another poly family for a visit yesterday. This is not an intimate friendship but community of like minded people. Having spent the night and day with Redpepper's family I was also included in this visit.

They are very nice and we have all been camping together before but I still feel as though I am a third wheel somehow. This is not because of anyone's actions towards me, just a feeling I have. It is as if I personally feel I am preventing deeper conversation to take place between them. I kind of feel like both the other husband and wife could use one on one time with Redpepper and her husband and that I somehow block that.

There is also the fact that a lot of conversation involves the struggles they are having with relationships and my mind still reels at times with respect to the differences between my mindset and seemingly everyone else’s. Redpepper sensed that I was uncomfortable with some topics and both her and her husband checked in to see if I was ok after.

Is it ok for me to simply say I am uncomfortable and excuse myself so they can get deeper into their conversations without worrying I will be freaked out? I honestly wouldn’t mind, I never feel ignored so that is not an issue at all. This is about me being hyper-sensitive in some areas and wanting Repepper and her husband to be able to share thier advice more freely using actual examples that may be touchy to me.

I'm becoming more and more ingrained in Redpepper's life as well as her family (her son gave me a father's day card that thanked me for being a part of their life..needless to say I almost broke down) but I am finding myself less confident within the poly community at the moment and at times overwhelmed by it all. Any thoughts? And yes, me and Redpepper have talked about this probably at great length, but forums are about stimulating conversation and thought right? Love to hear from you.:)

NeonKaos 06-22-2009 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 2041)

Is it ok for me to simply say I am uncomfortable and excuse myself so they can get deeper into their conversations without worrying I will be freaked out? I honestly wouldn’t mind.

Of course, why wouldn't it be ok? I don't even think it's necessary to say you're "uncomfortable". If they were talking about golf or bowling and you have no interest in those topics, you would excuse yourself and go birdwatching in the woods. If you say you're "uncomfortable", people tend to think there is something they should do or not do to keep you from feeling that way in order to convince you to stay, and that is obviously not what this is about.

You could say "I'm going for a walk and I'll let you "married couples" have some quality time together".

I really don't think it's that big of an issue in and of itself.

MonoVCPHG 06-22-2009 05:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 2042)
If you say you're "uncomfortable", people tend to think there is something they should do or not do to keep you from feeling that way in order to convince you to stay, and that is obviously not what this is about.

You could say "I'm going for a walk and I'll let you "married couples" have some quality time together".

I really don't think it's that big of an issue in and of itself.

Good point Ygirl..why say "uncomfortable" is right. Short and simple, great answer!


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