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-   -   Getting over an insecurity (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3855)

Hermes 10-01-2010 10:55 AM

Getting over an insecurity
Hey. I've been poly for about 10 months now, and mostly, I'm enjoying it. There's just one insecurity that I can't seem to shake.

There's a boy that my gf (currently my only partner - I'm her secondary relationship) had a brief, ultimately painful relationship with not long before we got together. She felt an awful lot for him, and was hurt when he decided to return to his monogamous ex.

Anyway, he's newly single, and she's being there for him during his mourning period. I totally don't begrudge her this. He's a good friend and a good bloke who needs a friend right now. That's totally not my issue.

The fear that I can't seem to shake is that should their relationship become romantic again, that I'll lose precedence to that relationship. I'm already her secondary - I don't have an issue with that, and I get on well with her primary - but I don't want to lose time with her over this possible new relationship. Particularly as, at the moment, we have a LDR (although hopefully not for much longer).

We talked about it, and she's assured me that even if it happens (her opinion changes daily on how likely she thinks it is), she'll be slow and cautious about it after what happened last time, and doesn't see it becoming more than a 'tertiary' thing, if anything, and that she doesn't want things to change with me.

Yet for some reason, my mind keeps coming back to this insecurity. I'm not a guy with the most self-esteem in the world, which is probably an affecting factor. I just can't shake it.

I guess I'm asking for advice on a different way to think about it to get it out of my mind, rather than an opinion on the situation itself. How can I get over this insecurity?

Fayerweather 10-01-2010 11:16 AM


I'm also somewhat new to poly. I've been in a poly relationship with my main man for a year now, but he's only been with his other girlfriend for 6 months and I just met my other boyfriend 2 months ago. I understand your feelings. I felt them when my boyfriend first hooked up with his girl. Because of distance, she can see him a lot more than I can and I was affraid that his affections would just leak away from me. What helped me out is being secure in my connection with him and the differences between her and myself

It might be that you have some doubts over your connection with her? I've never been a fan of the term "secondary" since it immediately places a "lesser than" implication on a relationship. Also....you have chosen to be in a relationship with someone who already has a primary, so you've already acknowledged that someone else comes before you in this situation. I think it's natural to feel insecure, especially if she keeps going back and forth over how likely it is that she'll spend less time with you. Why not get out there and find a girl who's gaga over you? Or develop some interests that will keep you from feeling left out? Just some ideas. I hope this resoves itself well for you :)

redpepper 10-01-2010 03:30 PM

She already makes time for this guy no? So what would be the difference? More time? Time is always a big hurdle. If it were me I think I would be sure to make sure that my boundaries about not losing time with her are met. The rest is insecurity about your self worth it seems. This has nothing to do with her and what she thinks of you and everything to do with you. She says she cares about you and enjoys your time together no? Trust her on that and find ways to make yourself your own primary so that you find all you need within yourself.

Breathesgirl 10-01-2010 04:34 PM

Have you talked to her Primary about it? Did he have this type of issue when she started dating you? He might have some insight that would be helpful.

Hermes 10-02-2010 09:28 AM

Thanks for the advice, guys.

She and I talked about it last night (at length) and we both feel much better about it. As I think someone said, it's more of a manifestation of my insecurity than it is anything to do with J or the situation itself. I'm hoping my full awareness of this and how much E feels for me will seep back into my hind brain and I'll stop having issues about it. I'm optimistic. ;)

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