Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   the ole Monogamy Blues (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3847)

Fayerweather 09-30-2010 11:28 AM

the ole Monogamy Blues
A conversation I had last night with a new partner prompted me to reassess my feelings about monogamy. Before I met my long term boyfriend, over a year ago, I'd been monogamous for my entire life. Since meeting and falling for him, we've both embarked on our first poly relationship, and although I had issues with it and it required some hard work to become accustomed to, I can safely say I am a convert to the poly way of life. I love the openness, the honesty, communication and freedom I get from polyamory.

My long term boyfriend, my new boyfriend and I are all relatively new to polamory and are navigating the way carefully together. So, last night, when we were on the phone, my new love and I started talking about urges we'd had towards monogamy. We've both said before that the love that's growing between us has sparked up what I see as natural urges to own one another or to run off together. We are both so accustomed to monogamy and so new to poly, that there is still that ghost of monogamy that haunts our brain functions now and then. He made a joke about how funny it would be if we'd met before we became poly and had become exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend.
What surprised me, was the instant emotional reaction I had to that comment. My heart jumped and cried out "yes! that's what I want!" to be owned and safe and secure with one monogamous man. This was instantly followed by a strong sense of sadness and loss and I began to cry.

I realized that the sadness came from the loss of belief in that way of life. Similar to the moment you realize that your parents are flawed human beings and not the Gods you grew up believing they were, or similar to the urge to play like a child, but not being able to go there anymore like you did before. Each time I picture me and my new partner in a monogamous relationship, I picture having to break up with my long term boyfriend or having to limit the feelings I have for other people and the fantasy fades and dies. but for a brief moment, it overtook me so strongly. I wonder if anyone else out there has felt similar feelings and how they perceived and dealt with them?

redpepper 09-30-2010 09:36 PM

Oh boy can I relate fairweather! I remember the same reaction when Mono and I talked of being exlclusive with one another. I have no doubt he would be a dedicated and faithful love until I die. I on the other hand would sway at this point in my life. Eventually I foresee being satisfied to either be alone or have one love. This pace is tiring and I wouldn't want to keep it up as an old woman. For now it works for us to have the life we do. For all of us. I couldn't be with Mono without PN and my boy and I couldn't be with PN without Mono and
Derby. Something would be missing and imbalanced for me. Yet that urge to have one for oneself and be for one only is huge!

Fayerweather 09-30-2010 11:49 PM

thanks for the feedback. It means a lot to me to hear about similar experiences from others. I feel the same way about my partners. In fact, if my boyfriend's partner were to disapear, I'd still feel like something is missing.

Thanks again :)

MonoVCPHG 10-01-2010 02:44 AM

For me, it wasn't the idea that I was not going to be in a monogamous relationship that struck me the hardest. My personal monogamy is intact. It is the leaving behind the world I used to know that caused me the greatest pause I think; not the people as individuals but the immediate acceptance. I'm happy but I am not like the people I used to know anymore. To get true acceptance takes too much work. I don't fit seamlessly into the majority anymore and although I have always been individual and independent from what people expected and snubbed the system to a degree, I lost a very common thing with them. They don't focus on the fact that we love the same, they focus on the dynamic of that love.

I don't feel sadness in knowing I share RP's heart with the people in her life. I feel sadness in the knowledge that she is capable of so much more love and my impact on how that changes her life.

sage 10-01-2010 08:33 AM

Hi Fayerweather,

I am also mono and relate strongly to what mono said about feeling out of step with most of my friends. Infact we monos in poly relationships are probably more out of step than anyone because we really don't fit into poly groups either.

We've been at this for a couple of years now and I no longer seem to get the "ole mono blues". It was like I had to go through a grieving process for the perfect fairytale mono relationship that I am unlikely now to have. But once that was done it was done and I haven't even thought about it for ages. Your post reminded me that it used to be there and now it's not. That's a good thing, thanks

vodkafan 10-01-2010 10:02 AM

Bearing in mind I am only 10 weeks in....and of course I am still mono...there are moments when I grieve for what I have lost (or think I have). The fact that my wife needed someone else after 20 years meant that I had failed as a husband. For whatever reason I was not enough.... those are powerful bad feelings.
She tells me it's not true. I push those feelings away because that way lies madness for monos...

sylphia 10-02-2010 09:42 AM

Oh boy, this sure does happen to me... being in the full throes of NRE with the new BF, there are times when I am with him and I think to myself, "man, I don't ever want to be apart from him... I just want us to gobble each other up and be this close forever" and I get all woo-woo dreamy-eyed thinking about what sort of life we'd have together if we ran off somewhere and made babies, etc. etc....

But the thing is, I've been down that path before (well, not the making babies part, but the intense connection in a monogamously-oriented relationship that makes you want to throw caution to the wind) and I know where it would end... in a few months, I'd be back to missing my "older" BF, back to missing the variety of what two people (or potentially more) have to offer me, AND I would have spoiled what I had with both of them: with #1 because it would mean leaving him, and with #2 because I would be giving him the false idea that a monogamous relationship (which is something he'd want if it were possible) with me was a realistic option. Which it's not.

I admire them both for their patience in learning this lifestyle, which is new to all of us, because they care enough for me that they are willing to stretch the boundaries of what they thought a relationship "should" be like. Right now, I really do feel like the luckiest girl in the world, that I have two partners with whom I share interests and it seems 95% of values.

I ground myself by reminding myself that it's a wonderful thing that I have one partner with whom I am developing a solid foundation and we now have some shared history and are moving past the "giggles and rainbows" phase into something steadier, and another partner with whom I get to indulge in the heady rush of new love. And I know that once that new love mellows and steadies, if it lasts long enough, I will get past those urges to run off and live in the cloud castles forever-and-ever-and-a-day with my new partner, and come to appreciate a more solid love with them both ;)

redpepper 10-02-2010 05:41 PM

Oh my Slyphia, can I relate to what you are saying. I experienced something and do still as you do. Thanks for your post.

jlpanian 10-05-2010 07:43 PM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 46969)
Oh my Slyphia, can I relate to what you are saying. I experienced something and do still as you do. Thanks for your post.

This goes out to both RP and Slyphia. This is something I have thought about, and never really came up with an answer.

Do you think you guys are ever looking for that NRE that comes with the new love? Will you be satisfied with the new fling once the NRE dies down? Or will you want to accept another new fling to re-introduce the NRE back into your life?

Fayerweather 10-06-2010 10:53 AM


That is EXACTLY the dynamic I have going on with my two men. My "older boyfriend" has been with me through so much and together we have created the solid and strong roots of a deep and enduring love. We've seen all the worst in one another as well as the good. Together we are an oak tree. My new boyfriend and I are in the heady rush of new love. Discovering one another, being gooey and romantic. He gives me a lot of the sweet, mushy affirmations and hugs and kisses that my older boyfriend doesn't anymore, but can't provide the pure "knowingness" that I get from my longer relationship. Still, it's an addictive and delicious thing to be with a new man. I can (like you) only hope and look forward to a time when we've developed the same solidity as my main man and I, and enjoy the fluffy goodness of this new affection.

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:18 AM.