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-   -   Need Help understanding something... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3846)

jlpanian 09-30-2010 04:53 AM

Need Help understanding something...
Okay a short bio on us, to set the stage for my question.

My wife and I are very interested in the poly lifestyle. My wife brought it up to me, and it couldnt have been a more perfect conversation. We are young and considering moving in this direction while we are still young, so we can build a life together (three of us).

My questions revolves around seeking. It seems plainly obvious that there are so many more people seeking a third, than actually looking. But I found a lot of information about this "unicorn" - or bi-female looking to join a couple. I understand that this is what a lot of couples are looking for.

Heres where I need some help.

We are NOT looking for a bi-female. My wife and I are both heterosexual, and more so looking for a woman as a best friend for both of us. Obviously my wife and I are not blind to the fact that there would be normal intimacy between myself and our new wife. But the primary urge for us is the concept of a better and bigger family unit.

Are there any individuals that want this sort of connection? Or is it primarily couples wanting a bisexual member to address a sexual need?

redpepper 09-30-2010 05:59 AM


Originally Posted by jlpanian (Post 46628)
Are there any individuals that want this sort of connection? Or is it primarily couples wanting a bisexual member to address a sexual need?

No, you are not unusual. I am in a vee with two men and also have a girlfriend. We are all really close and good friends. I consider them my closest friends as well as my loves. I know my husbands best friend is Mono.. well, sort of best friend... certainly the closest. My husband and I searched for a long time and worked hard to make this vision of a big chosen family come true. We are still working on it and always will. It was the goal of our marriage to live with other loves and create a big family with which to be supported, support and raise kids together. We are slowly doing that.

A couple looking for a bi female to satisfy their needs is not necessarily poly if it is all about the sex. usually unicorn hunters are looking for someone that they would love and be loved by evenly in a poly fi situation whereby the unicorn would be dedicated just to them. Yes, a lot of people start out searching for this and find it! The truth seems to be that it either isn't findable or it doesn't last. It can turn into a vee situation or die out quickly. When I say it doesn't last I mean that everyone lives happily ever after for years and years. The longest ones I know of have been about 4 months... not that doesn't mean there are not longer.

sage 09-30-2010 07:08 AM

@ RP I can do better than that. We met up with a Triad who have been together for 4years and living together for that long. Admittedly it was their second go at it. I actually got them to join this forum and he posted a post or two but they are more active locally. They are older (late thirties to early 50's) and children haven't been an issue. But this is the standard Bi-sexual female relationship with one guy.

@jlpanian There is a partial example of what you're talking about on here. Check out the Blog of a Mono wife in the lifestyle Blog section. They have two couples but it strikes me as a similar situation to what you're talking about.

Generally though if you aren't dealing with bi women then you're a guy with two "wives" which is polygamy. Or are you going to be happy if this other women has other intimate relationships?

nebillingscouple 09-30-2010 01:02 PM

While this is my first post, but the one thing that stood out at me immediately was 'new wife'. Interesting timing, considering the premiere of Sister Wives this past weekend. Was it a Freudian slip by chance, or are you looking to take a new wife?

That point defines whether or not you are seeking polyamory or polygamy.

jlpanian 09-30-2010 03:49 PM

I have to first say that after I posted I found and read the sticky thread "glossary". I wish I would have read that first, because although you think you have an idea of what it all is, there are SO MANY different views, etc.

I guess I am completely defined as a PolyWog Virgin! Being totally new to this whole idea, and never experiences it personally, its hard to say what you really want. I think that would develop as you go through it.

Ideally we've had a vision. Nothing we ever really acted upon, because we thought it pretty much unattainable. Its embarrassing but when we saw the show sister-wives, we both looked at each other, and realized that there are other people who are actually living a poly lifestyle. Now sister-wives is not our real vision, but it was what prompted us to go out and seek advice and friendship of other like minded people.

Its embarrassing because it shouldn't take a television show to make you act on something. But I guess it is what it is.

To respond to the "wive" comment. I said wife, because I don't know how to describe that "other" person in one word. I guess I said wife because I have a wife who I love and it would be great to spend time with another woman like that.

Is polygamy frowned upon in an open poly type community? I ask because I have no idea what the reality of what were looking for is. If it ever came to fruition would I be okay with her in a open relationship with others, I cannot answer. I guess those feelings would define if were looking for a polygamist relationship vs a polyamory relationship.

As you can tell this is all in its infancy for us. I wanted to firstly thank you all for being open and honest and not judging or negative! You all have been great, and you are paving a very welcoming path for others to follow.

Thank You

redpepper 09-30-2010 08:57 PM

Polygamy isn't *bad* necessarily. Its when the rights of women and children are not accounted for that it is frowned upon and illegal. Or I guess should be as far as I'm concerned. Usually eeluphion is involved when peoples rights are denied.

Perhaps you are looking for a harem? Where you would be the only male? A one penis policy (OPP) situation?

It depends on what you think would be okay with you in regards to your women seeking out other lovers really. Would you be okay that or not. Would you insist on them not finding and creating other relationship? Or would you work on how that would affect you? What does your wife want and need out of all this? What's in it for her?

Lots of questions to ask for the two of you. Keep asking and talking honestly and respectfully. You've made a good first step it seems.

Breathesgirl 10-01-2010 05:14 PM

Breathes is my Primary

Possibility is my secondary & I'm his tertiary

Breathes & Possibility, as well as the rest of Possibility's family, get along wonderfully.

I get along great with his family as well.

I guess what I'm saying is....when we started this polyamoros relationship Breathes and I had this vision of what it would be like...we were the typical unicorn hunters. We wanted the bi-fem who would be submissive to both of us, could deal with my having kids, still have our own residences, etc., etc.

We are a very long way from where we thought we would be by this time five years ago.

The one thing I've learned is that you shouldn't be super set in what it is you're seeking. Be flexible with it. Something which is more suited for you might just pass you by because you were so fixated on what you thought was your ideal. I've learned something else as well....you can never really have too much communication.

jlpanian 10-04-2010 03:12 PM


Thank you for your reply. I think I can understand what your saying. I know that I have this picture of a great family that works fabulously and everyone is happy together, etc, etc, etc. The real world usually has a couple hiccups along the way, and I can imagine so does the poly lifestyle.

I think your advice about keeping an open mind, and not being completely fixated on one outcome is very useful.

Update: We will be telling our parents (mostly very conservative people), about our desire to move forward with this type of family change. We hope it goes well, but are preparing for the worst. Its important for us to include our family in this process because they mean so much to us. Their input and feelings will have value, so wish us luck!


anotherbo 10-05-2010 01:24 AM

Have you read any of the posts about people coming out as poly, Jlpanian? I'm all for doing so, but it can be a rough ride. Might help to read up a bit first.

It probably will help that its still theoretical, you're asking them to deal with a concept, not a concept + a person.

I have no experience coming out myself (yet!), but I do have lots of expertise dealing with angry people, especially family members! ;) Key things to remember for me are to make a big effort to stay calm when attacked. To wait silently to respond until there is quiet, no matter how long it takes. Then to quietly state that I'm here to talk about something, not to be attacked. I rinse and repeat as necessary, and stay prepared to leave if the attacks keep coming, or if I'm in danger of losing my cool completely. Words have much more weight if the speaker stays in control.

Hmm, I guess that was unsolicited advice... not to mention it's what works for me. Doesn't mean it will work for you.

jlpanian 10-05-2010 04:40 PM

That is exactly what and why we did it now. because these people are so important to us, it was important to try and gauge their feelings on the concept level, instead of breaking the news of a real person addition.

I must say it went very well. The outcome was basically that they loved us either way, and that if this would make us happy, they will do everything they can to accept it for what it is.

They gave some advice, everything we have already been thinking about. Like communication, going slow, etc.

I must say it was a huge relief to bring my parents into the fold. I have always known that my parents were huge fans of us kids, and its pretty apparent that they will support and love us no matter what.

I hope this is the groundwork for a great series of events to come.
Thanks for all your support here on the boards, and great advice.

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