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-   -   Frustrated.....what do I do? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=38451)

LillDeb 01-21-2013 04:41 AM

Frustrated.....what do I do?
I am fairly new here however I've read enough posts to know that there are exceptional people here offering insightful advice. I'm asking for it now...
My husband(J) and I (D) have been seeing a man (B) who has been separated from his wife for the past 11 months or so. I know for a fact they are separated as her and I are best friends. She knows (and with her blessing) that I have been seeing her ex.
We have been intimate a few times and it's wonderful however the other day we were having lunch together and were conversing. He told me that he was changing (ok, I get that)...He was no longer the person that he knew and liked. He didn't know where he was going and he had this new "budding" spirituality. So, I asked him questions and we talked for a while. I listened to him and was supportive as I would want someone to be for me. After he brought up his spirituality, he was saying that he was upset because some of the things that he enjoyed in life were turning out to be wrong. I asked if that meant that his spirituality was guiding him in a direction that was away from us. He said yes, to a certain degree it was but that he was working on it. I didn't want to push him so I left it at that as he was very quick to say that he was working on it. What does that mean?
I am trying to give him room to sort out how he is feeling and I haven't heard from him since our lunch date which has been just over a week now. We usually talk all the time whether it's online, text, on the phone or in person. For the past month he has been over here (at my home with my husband) every weekend. Now I haven't talked to him and it bothers me. Do I continue to give him quiet time from me? Do I start the process of letting him go by not inquiring with him? Where do I go? :confused:

InquiringOne 01-21-2013 09:15 PM

A couple of things.
Most religions, and many spiritual teachings, are not pro-sex, to say the least. So the fact that he says that he is having a "spiritual budding" and that he is seeing something in his sexual life as "wrong" is not a far stretch. He probably cares about you, but the dissonance inside of him caused by this new principle that he is trying to apply makes it difficult for him to deal with. It might poison the well for the future of your relationship.

That said, I don't think you can go wrong by giving someone too much space. If he feels like you are pressuring him, that may play in to whatever anti-sexual and even anti-woman ideas he is coming into contact with. Giving him his freedom will hopefully allow him to work through it and see that love/caring/honesty/respect are what matters, not some narrow prescription which doesn't apply to complex situations.

There's obviously a lot of complexity to your situation, and I'm not attempting to go into every aspect of it. I'll leave that for others. I hope this helps a little. Good Luck.

soleilselene 01-21-2013 09:47 PM

I kinda know what you are going through. My first hookup also needs time and it is frustrating. I guess the only reasonable option we have is to wait it out. Let them know we will be here for them and then just maybe prepare for the worst.

It sucks. I know

LillDeb 01-21-2013 10:12 PM

Thank you for the insight.

It is extremely frustrating to me to go from one thing to a completely different setting, especially in such a short time. I just want to hold on as tightly as I can yet I recognize that if I attempt to do that it would push him further. However, on the other side of the coin I fear that if I simply give him the quiet time and room he will "forget" for the lack of better thought, what we had begun to build.

GalaGirl 01-21-2013 10:30 PM

You cannot be a mind reader. If you want to know, you could ASK.

"Hey... we haven't talked in a while. That bothers me, I've missed you. I do want to know where we stand relationship wise though.

Is the romance over? Are we just friends? Do I continue to give you quiet time to sort your thoughts out? Where are we at in this process?

And see what the response is.

Hang in there.


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