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-   -   Very new (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=38429)

soleilselene 01-21-2013 12:37 AM

Very new
I just started this lifestyle this month. I have had sex with my secondary just 2x. He is single and he is a student in college. The main reason for this relationship is that my husband does NOT have sex with me. My husband gave me permission in July and I have just taken advantage of it.

I like my bf and he is good in bed. He is very hippie like and doesn't want a relationship and seems ok with this. What my bf is adamant about no relationships or anything that has expectations tied to it.

I am very needy, I know that, plus I have a very HIGH sex drive. I need more than my bf seems to be able to give me. I don't want to scare him off or make him run away. I have been trying to hold back. But, after a year without sex it has been difficult to hold back.

I text him and he wont answer until a day or two, this really drives me nuts. I don't know if I can handle this. I really just want sex. Should I try to find someone else?

Any ideas on how to deal with this?

Marcus 01-21-2013 02:25 AM


Originally Posted by soleilselene (Post 179566)

Any ideas on how to deal with this?

First and foremost, take a deep breath and realize that your sex drive is not going to kill you, even if it needs to be subdued for a day or two.

If your sex drive is too much for one person, the other people you are involved with do not have any intention of restricting the number of partners you have... take on another lover if that's what you want to do.

Just in case it hadn't occurred to you, what with being monogamous for so long, keep in mind that your life will be easier if you use protection with each partner EVERY time.

soleilselene 01-21-2013 03:43 AM

Thanks for your reply. And yes, I have the intention of always using protection. I guess I will have to find another person since my bf said he is going to put himself in self imposed isolation. This sucks having to find someone else.

AnnabelMore 01-21-2013 04:35 AM

If he didn't want a relationship, he wasn't your bf or your secondary partner. He was just someone you hooked up with. There is nothing wrong with that, but I think it might be helpful to put things in their proper perspective. Don't take it so much to heart. If you actually form a serious, emotional relationship with another person, then you can fret about how much attention they're able to give you. In the meantime, give your friend the space he wants, tell him to call you if he wants to hook back up, and then leave him be. Then set about finding someone -- or someones -- to give you what you need. No harm no foul, and you guys had fun while it lasted, yeah?

soleilselene 01-21-2013 09:27 PM

Sorry. I guess I am still overwhelmed a bit and somewhat scared. I do not like to go out and try to find people. I have been hurt very badly before (yes I know a lot of people have) and I am just terrified. I thought I had found someone for the long run. Now I have to get back out there and look.

I was almost killed by an abusive ex and that just traumatized me. If it weren't because my husband does not have sex with me I would not need anyone else. My husband has become very asexual and that has been something very difficult to deal with. I accept him how he is and do not force myself on him.

I just wish this were easier... sorry

AnnabelMore 01-21-2013 09:56 PM

You don't need to apologize, I didn't mean to criticize, just to offer an alternate perspective. I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your ex, how terrrible. Have you considered therapy to help with what you went through?

soleilselene 01-21-2013 11:00 PM

I have been in therapy. I suffered through very bad PTSD and my husband is the one that helped me thru that. I also suffer anxiety and depression. I just complicate things more and am very sensitive... that is why I always say sorry.

I am trying to work with all this. Sex used to be a way for me to calm down and it would offer me reassurance. I know it is not healthy but it is what it is.

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