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-   -   Need advice! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=38424)

mttvnsn84 01-20-2013 10:52 PM

Need advice!
 
Hi, I am new to the forum and hope this is the right place to ask for this kind of advice, but here goes.

Recently my wife and I decided that we wanted to include another female in our relationship. We didn't start out with trying to have a full blown relationship with anyone, but were merely looking for someone that would want to play every once in a while.

We met this young lady and have really hit it off with her. She was very upfront with us that she had a boyfriend of four years and that she wanted this to be very discreet. I know it's probably bad, but my wife and I didn't really think anything of it until now. The relationship with her has moved forward quite naturally, but now that we've gotten to know more about the situation we are a bit concerned as to what to do next.

I suppose we weren't expecting the boyfriend to be the way he is and at the time this started he was only an idea if that makes sense. He is a great guy though as we've recently met him. He was in the Marine Corp and injured his back while enlisted. His pain has gotten to the point to where he can't have sex which is why she sought it out elsewhere. He is super nice and honestly someone that my wife and I would be friends with beyond the current situation. The problem is he has no clue about this and my wife and myself are having some serious doubts.

We have made it clear to her that we want her to be our girlfriend and be exclusively with us, but that was before knowing more about him. When we are with her everything is good and we all get along extremely well, but when we are away from her we tend to doubt this relationship.

Does anyone have any good advice to help us figure this out?

GalaGirl 01-20-2013 11:09 PM

Quote:

The problem is he has no clue about this and my wife and myself are having some serious doubts.
Sounds like it bothers you he is in the dark. And it bothers you that GF stated he existed, but did not state that he was in the dark about it all. So basically GF put you in the position of being her cheating partners.

You could talk to GF to get that straightened out, if you desire honest relationship with all parties. Otherwise you can walk away if she wants to continue in that fashion.

It's not a fun position to be in or fun to feel. I'm sorry. :(

You can't control her behavior. You CAN decide how YOU behave though.

Galagirl

AnnabelMore 01-21-2013 04:46 AM

So, her partner sacrificed for his country and has suffered for it, and her response is to lie to him and betray him. And you want her to be a part of your intimate lives why? You trust her why?

My advice would be to tell her that her options are 1) break up with him, 2) come clean and work things out with him such that she can continue to be with you guys ethically and honestly, or 3) stop seeing you guys. He deserves honesty, she deserves a clear conscience, and you and your wife deserve to be with people who have integrity.

All of that aside, why do you want her to be exclusive with you at all? Why not enjoy her company and let the relationship evolve organically while leaving her her freedom? There is a lot of complex stuff going on in a three-person entanglement, especially when two of the partners have been together much longer, and the sort of model that you seem to be aiming for rarely goes well -- do a tag search for "unicorn hunters" if you want to see some examples of the sorts of problems that tend to arise. This essay may also be a really useful resource as you think about how this relationship, if it does indeed continue, might evolve -- http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html


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