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-   -   I have a fantasy. No, strike that: I have a dream! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3829)

PeaceNerd 09-28-2010 04:18 PM

I have a fantasy. No, strike that: I have a dream!
 
I am a 65 year-old retired straight male electronics/computer professional, who has no real experience in polyamory. But I have a dream of what Franklin Veaux called a "polyfidelitous relationship" with my best (straight male) friend and his lady. I was born with Asperger's syndrome in 1945, and have not only had the traditional autism-spectrum difficulties with interpersonal relationships, but also had a deep desire for a polyamorous relationship and found myself unable to function in today's "serial monogamy" environment (for many reasons.) I presently have no definite incontrovertible evidence to support my belief that this desire is more than just a desire to "get in on my fiend's relationships" because he could get and maintain relationships, while I could not. My friend and I have shared a house for over 4 years, and I was never attracted to any of his other lady friends before. This particular (male) friend has had several relationships during our long-standing friendship, but he has just formed a new one with a lady I do especially connect with, on a very deep level. I don't need to talk about my deepest issues with her; she sees them and responds appropriately. (This sort of connection has NEVER happened before in my life.) But still, I can only label this my "fantasy."

The three of us just survived a crisis I caused, by revealing my feelings to them both. My ability to instantly & effortlessly communicate with her on a deep and meaningful level seemed to provoke intense anxieties in my friend, but his lady FIRST got the reality of my profound desire to help her dreams come true. Since he IS her dream, I'm completely OK with re-enforcing and augmenting her relationship with him. (Gosh, this gets complex to explain!) Then I simply told him the truth; i.e., that I love her AND him and want to be a real and important help to them both. The fact that I'd like to boink her is almost irrelevant. As Franklin emphasized in his polyamory FAQ, it can only be OK if it's OK with EVERYBODY. I expect that helping them settle in and love each other in security, and with confidence will be profoundly rewarding for me. With "conventional" serial monogamy, we see two "teams:" the girls versus the boys. The "battle of the sexes." Everyone is aware off it. That world completely DISGUSTS me. I want to live in a world where we can ALL be on the SAME team. I want a world where we can respect each other and care for each other - and maybe even appreciate each other.

In 1960 I was 15. As an adolescent then, I was strongly reinforced to accept that any desire for sexual pleasure was "wrong" and anti-God, perverse and evil. I had to wait until I got married. How I could relate to women - evidently that was an ability left to develop by magic, of some sort. The net effect of that approach was to deflect my needs and desires to things I felt (at age 10) I could "get away with." That had a net effect of nurturing my own self-contempt and a deep sense of deviancy. I could NEVER wish THAT fate on any innocent child! I see today's slavish "worship" of a conformity with sex roles based on ownership, power, and control as PROFOUNDLY anti-human and a deadly dangerous soul-killer. I dream of a world where children will nevermore be forced into such pre-defined roles or see their bodies projected as "dirty" and any desires they may have for sexual pleasure as deviant. Instead, I want a future where our children are encouraged to value themselves and their partners. I want a world where everyone is important, as a human individual.

Maybe it's best to wrap this up (with words I inadvertently used earlier) by the Reverend Martin Luther King: "I have a dream." I dream of a better world.

SourGirl 09-28-2010 07:29 PM

Very interesting introduction. Please stick around the forum, and get familiar with things. :)
My 14 yr old son has Autism/Aspergers' , and I watch his interactions, and sometimes wonder if he will one day be more comfortable as a 'wing man' to a exsisting relationship. I have no data, but I have noticed those with Asperger-like tendencies seem drawn to poly. ( That is only from my own view of the world. )

lol @ ' the fact that I`d like to boink her is irrelevant.' Haha ! Thanks. That was a good giggle for me to have, part way through the story. :)

....Welcome.

PeaceNerd 09-29-2010 07:11 PM

Thank you, Superjast
 
Just posting that intro took some doing! Your observations were most welcome. I often wish I had someone to talk with who gets the idea. Only please don't ignore that I said it was almost irrelevant. That's because I'm relating in two differing CONTEXTS at the same time. In my personal life, it's nowhere near irrelevant, because I do love her deeply and have high hopes. On a more general spiritual level, I love both her and my friend deeply and will gladly settle for bringing more happiness and value into their lives, with or without any sexual contact. I'm actually quite spiritual, and I guess I'm trying both to move towards the results I want AND to preserve and maintain my own self esteem in the long run.

I'm what's usually called "fully compensated." But that doesn't change my old modes of thought. This summer I finally got a clue that I was unfairly blaming myself for having problems in today's society, and that I can indeed function in this realm also. Then the thought hit me "Now I'm 65 f***king years old, and I could die without ever having the love I want!" Now THAT was scary! So instead, I decided to change how I am interacting with people. Talk about your roller-coaster rides!

WHEE! :)

AutumnalTone 10-02-2010 09:38 PM

Welcome aboard.

Tonberry 10-07-2010 01:34 AM

Welcome! Very interesting story. I wish you the best of luck.

MTmozat 10-07-2010 01:54 AM

Yes, interesting story.

jlpanian 10-07-2010 06:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeaceNerd (Post 46479)
In my personal life, it's nowhere near irrelevant, because I do love her deeply and have high hopes. On a more general spiritual level, I love both her and my friend deeply and will gladly settle for bringing more happiness and value into their lives, with or without any sexual contact.

Just something to ponder. If its best for their mono relationship to have you not mettle in it, are you okay with completely stepping away. You seem genuinely interested in both their happiness - needless to say you want to "boink" your best friends g/f. If your best friend expresses that this obviously crosses his boundary (irregardless if his g/f understands you very deeply). Are you able to step away and let their relationship go where ever it goes? You already expressed your love for her (and him). If it does not work out with them, and she is interested, then maybe she will accept you.

Just something to think about.

new2poly 10-11-2010 02:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Superjast (Post 46322)
Very interesting introduction. Please stick around the forum, and get familiar with things. :)
My 14 yr old son has Autism/Aspergers' , and I watch his interactions, and sometimes wonder if he will one day be more comfortable as a 'wing man' to a exsisting relationship. I have no data, but I have noticed those with Asperger-like tendencies seem drawn to poly. ( That is only from my own view of the world. )

lol @ ' the fact that I`d like to boink her is irrelevant.' Haha ! Thanks. That was a good giggle for me to have, part way through the story. :)

....Welcome.

well, that's interesting since I probably have Aspergers and am finally finding my comfortzone as a wing in a Vee relationship.


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