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-   -   My Own Deep Rooted Problems (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=38276)

GSAS082612 01-19-2013 06:17 PM

My Own Deep Rooted Problems
Well, Glenn has thankfully deciced to stay. It was a big decision for him to stay and a big decision for us to want him to remain. We love him and gratefully he made a great decision. And that isn't the problem, it seems for once our relationship isn't on the rocks and we are happy. I am happy but my dreams are haunting me. My nightmares shake me into an inevitable reality. It's been one year since my mistake with Derek, the day my unprotected sex cuased me a pregnancy. It's been one year and I don't have my daughter. One year and all I carry with me is misery and an empty feeling, not a 3 month old baby that is suckling at a bottle, or wailing. I don't have tired eyes or a diaper bag on my shoulder. I am not sleep deprived or complaining about my daughter being the cause of my lack of sleep and my messy life. My life isn't a hassle, I don't have any of what I didn't want in the beginning. In the end before I lost my daughter, I wanted her. Her little kicks and nudges, the numerous times her scares landed me in the hospital. Or the way her step-daddy laid his head on my belly just to feel her kick his face. She loved me, I know she did. She loved him too. And ultimately Derek stayed because of the fact that she existed, his or not. He may have never loved anyone, but by God did he love her. He called Scarlet his little nudger. He loved her, and he still does, a part of him still really loves her. Of all the girls in his life, he loved my daughter as his own. He loved her before she was even born. He loved my daughter, my precious little girl, and I loved him because he loved her. I miss my little girl. I will always remember her. She isn't here, and I may have never met her or held her, or felt her breath, or heard a single cry, but I love her still. And I always will, She will always be apart of me.

My Dear Scarlet Chelsea,
I miss you darling and I always will. No matter where you are, I will always be your mother. I love you angel
Love, Mommy <3

BoringGuy 01-19-2013 06:25 PM

what is the purpose of this post? it should be moved to life stories & blogs. it has nothing to do with poly and doesn't ask any questions or advice.

GSAS082612 01-21-2013 11:59 PM


GSAS082612 01-22-2013 12:01 AM

To: BoringGuy
The purpose of this post, the part that my laptop didn't post was where I was asking if there was anyone who understood what it felt like, and it is affecting my polyfidelitous relationship due to the fact that I cannot be close with my girlfriend because she is pregnant and she is farther along in the pregnancy than I made it. It hasn't even been a year since I lost my daughter. So, the purpose of the post is wondering if anyone has been in this situation, if they know if it gets easier or harder to deal with. And if anyone has ever dealt with the loss of a child. Because it takes a toll on my mental state. I was just needing advice on how to further the healing process as well as still keep my relationship with my girlfriend in the Poly, in tact.

JaneQSmythe 01-22-2013 12:24 AM

G.S.A - I feel your pain.

I have had a miscarriage with my husband (11 years ago) and with my boyfriend (almost 2 years ago). My pregnancy with my boyfriend was not an accident but it WAS unexpected (it was a hoped for but tiny possibility).

I still have waves of sadness and pain from these losses. Whenever one of our friends or family members becomes pregnant it brings back all of these feelings - then, in addition to my sadness, I get to suffer the guilt of resenting the fact that they can have babies and I can't. I can only imagine how much harder it is when the pregnant woman is someone you are close to and see all of the time. (I imagine you feel like you should be sharing all of her little joys and excitement but that your sadness at your loss is holding you back, and you feel guilty for this - I would. But you are not me.)

Do you have other children? (I don't...which adds, I think, to some of my specific feelings).

I think it does get easier, in some ways, over time. But the loss is always there. I'm sorry I don't have any magic to make it better for you.


SchrodingersCat 01-22-2013 02:10 AM

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I can't offer personal experience, only support and #hugs#.


Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 179314)
what is the purpose of this post? it should be moved to life stories & blogs. it has nothing to do with poly and doesn't ask any questions or advice.

Could you possibly be more callous? That's a rhetorical question, not a challenge. Sometimes, knowing when to keep your mouth shut is the best skill a person can learn. You might want to try it.

How does it have nothing to do with poly? Second and third sentences clearly reference a poly relationship. Where in the forum guidelines does it say that the Poly Relationships Corner is only for explicit questions or advice? I always interpret the life stories & blogs section as being for people who need to journal in public and aren't necessarily seeking any support. Putting it in this section makes it a request for support that is obvious to anyone with a half-ounce of compassion.

I'm not seeking, and will not acknowledge, any kind of response. I don't want to derail this thread. I just wanted to openly point out your rudeness.

GSA: I doubt that BG will apologize, but please believe that his behaviour is his and his alone. It does not reflect the attitudes and manners of the forum as a group.

GSAS082612 01-22-2013 03:39 AM

JQS: I do not have any children, I was wishing I did, and I truly do. And I was more okay with Sam's pregnancy when we were trying but now, not so much. Because now with us not trying there are NO chances of me having my own baby. And because Glenn doesn't want to bring our children into it, it bothers me that Sam's and his are being brought into the world, despite his protest with me. So, again, it hurts. I'm just frustrated that she has one already, a little girl I love, but is not my own. And it hurts to see how close Sam is to her daughter, and she will be like that with her son and it hurts to see her have what I want so desperately. Although yes, I do feel guilty when I cannot do all the things an involved "spouse" should do when prepping for a child. I just do not have the enough emotional security to be able to make the way through the pain. I'm trying to prep for the baby which is a few weeks away, but it kills me to know that I don't have that, and won't until Glenn allows it.

SC: I wish it was easy to just close my self away from the pain but I can't. It would make the pain go away because I'd be neglecting the truth of how much it all hurts. And it hurts me.

Delphinius 01-23-2013 12:11 AM

why aren't you also a parent?
GSA, Huge sympathies for your loss, I too had a miscarriage, though much earlier in the pregnancy. Until one actually lives through anything like that they really have no idea how awful it can feel. I would never presume to know how much harder it's been for you to lose her so much later in your pregnancy, so you have my deepest sympathies.

My situation is still quite new as poly and yet its also very committed. I essentially have two homes now with children in both. All three of us have taken all the children into our hearts whether biologically connected or not. We see their games, plays, activities.... to us they are all our children, we share in their joys and hardships.

By reading your signature line; you all live together? Why is Samantha not sharing everything with you like a spouse? Why aren't you being considered a parent to the child?

Of course everyone's poly life is different and everyone finds there own way and everyone's way is unique to them. If it's at all possible, I would wish for you that even if you don't wind up having any children biologically of your own (and you fortunately have a lot of years for that option) that the children whom you already love in your heart will know you as one more special person in their life to love them and that that may help you heal.

So, so sorry for your pain, hopefully sharing helps a tiny bit and that many of us are now sending you love. Barring a 'magic pill' for the pain, I hope that you feel loved and supported.

Delphinius 01-23-2013 07:31 AM

re-read post maybe understand better

Re-reading your last post: now understanding that perhaps you've been encouraged to be a "full" parent to the other children but are finding it too painful with the probable possibility of never having your own biological child to add?

It's obviously very painful and I wish I could offer a way to help through the pain. Will hope the joy of a child; now really also your child as well, will keep your love for Scarlet close and I'd fancy Scarlet loves that you can/will share that same sort of love with the other children of your heart.

Please forgive the possible first mis-interpretation and my best wishes of health & happiness to you and your family.

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