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-   -   I'm all messed up. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=38253)

unsureofthis 01-19-2013 11:59 AM

I'm all messed up.
Hi, everyone. I found this and I just hope this is the place to get some guidance. I just celebrated my 9th wedding anniversary in December. This week my wife and I had an extended argument about me being on down the totem pole of consideration for time and in some decisions. We had recently had a dinner date at a Thai restaurant, spent Saturday doing fun things that culminated at the Fox, in Atlanta. On Wednesday, she was trying to convince me to go to my Dad's, today. This was kind of pushy for her and made me curious. We were on facebook, sitting next to each other and she was angling her laptop so I couldn't see. I know it's not cool, but I logged into her account and saw shocking instant messaging going on. My wife and our housekeeper planning a tryst with explicit descriptions of what they were to do to each other. I blew up, showed her that I was logged on and she told me that it happened the same Saturday that we just spent going to Atlanta. She met her for breakfast and when they left, the housekeeper tried to kiss her. Now we have separated for a few days and she is with her. She is coming back Sunday, to talk. Divorce is in the air, but I love her and she has said she is confused and not said that she no longer loves me. The housekeeper is an ex dancer and has had other "girl" and her husband supports an open relationship. I'm treading in new territory here. Any help?

bassman 01-19-2013 04:27 PM

You are in the right place ! What has happened does not have to mean divorce! Have a look around on the site, and see what other peeps have done in the same situation. And go online and order immediately "the ethical slut".

Why not speak to the husband, and ask him how he handles jealousy, insecurity, and every other emotion! ?

Phy 01-19-2013 04:33 PM

First of all, talk to your wife. This isn't ok if you never talked about the possibility before and she clearly planned to cheat. That's no basis for an open and honest relationship where you are able to feel comfortable. Set boundaries and limits that are ok for you in the process and make clear what you are not comfortable with. If you decide to stay and open the relationship, of course.

unsureofthis 01-19-2013 04:51 PM

I appreciate the response. Currently she is at the other party's residence and will not return calls, text, or email. They may be indisposed or she may be done with me. Who knows? She has said she will come over Sunday for discussion and maybe we can find some middle ground. I just left her a message and advised that I was on a site that helps in this matter and I am keeping an open mind. Maybe I will get a response. Again, thanks for the reply.

dingedheart 01-19-2013 06:26 PM

Not have much to go on but a few sentences I'd say you have several relationship issues all run parallel. 9 plus year of history, communication issues, your place on the totem pole, her dishonesty and cheating and lastly her new found bi sexuality.

I would suggest marriage counseling to work through the first 4. The open marriage and or poly would be the last thing.

You might want to do a very in depth look into the past... cheaters and cheating can be a pattern and coming clean doesn't always happen without proof. This might not be the first time ....hense the reason your on the bottom of the totem pole.
Do you have kids or are there kids involved ?

The decision to go forward after such a betrayal is a little surprising ....and not responding to texts and calls sounds like she's checked out .... a red flag to me...so hope for the best and plan for the worst.

Good luck. D

kdt26417 01-19-2013 10:42 PM

Hi Unsure,
Welcome to our forum.

I'm sorry you had to find us under such difficult circumstances. It sounds like you and your wife have some pretty heavy issues to work through. A poly-friendly counselor would be good to go to if the two of you could swing that.

I'm also sorry your wife isn't talking to you right now. But there may be hope if she's at least willing to talk to you tomorrow (Sunday).

Polyamory isn't a bad thing per se, but cheating is, like, not okay. Additional relationships are supposed to be carried out with the knowledge and consent of all concerned. I'm assuming your wife figured you wouldn't say yes to a poly arrangement anyhow, and yet she still wanted to stay with you, so she kind of chickened out on telling you about it. Doesn't make it okay that she did that, but that's probably what was going on.

I think it's very big of you to open your mind to this idea, in spite of all the drama and sneaking around. For what it's worth, there's a great deal of help and info to be had on this website, so you are in a good place if you want to learn and try to understand polyamory.

First things first, you have to find out if your wife is at least willing to stay with you (and communicate with you) at this point. Next, you have to find a way to work on the problems in the marriage. As I said, a counselor would be a good idea. Once those two things have been addressed, you can then talk about the idea of her (and you if you want) being poly.

I hope things go okay when you talk with her. It's possible she has some kind of deep unhappiness in the marriage, or maybe it's just her being chicken about admitting to you of her poly feelings.

Please keep us posted on how things are going, and let us know of any thoughts or questions you may have.

With regards,
Kevin T.

SnC 01-20-2013 06:11 PM

@unsureofthis; There's a lot of issues that have to be worked on. I can't imagine trying to be involved in a polyamorous relationship where trust and honesty were not basic precepts.

It can be very hard in a situation like this. Your wife's new lover can be incredibly attractive (and I don't mean physically here). There's tons of NRE (new relationship euphoria) flying around. It's exciting, new, feels fantastic. There's no responsibility, no deep conversations about the love that is developing, just free and wonderful feelings.

Then there's you; right now, you're bringing concern, betrayal, sadness, a necessity to work on the relationship, the need for deep conversations.

It's incredibly hard to juxtapose those two sets of emotions and think "Yeah, I'll go with sadness for the win!" Your wife is in a very tough spot as well as you. Quell your anger, quell your (valid!) sense of betrayal. The way forward should include validation of your feelings but should not include anger from you towards her and doing things that tear her apart.

I'm aware of one couple where the husband came home to find his wife having sex with another man. When he came in the door, he could hear them going at it. They didn't know he was there yet. He had a choice to make; get angry, or join in. He chose the latter, and it has added immensely to their relationship. That's not to say that cheating is somehow a good thing. It isn't. That needs to be addressed and the fundamentals of your relationship have to return to solid ground. But, this doesn't have to be the end. It could be just a beginning on a new path.

Tread carefully.

unsureofthis 01-22-2013 03:30 AM

Divorce is in the Air!
Hello to all,
I have been very fortunate to receive some most excellent ideas and suggestions on my situation. I followed much of the advice and had a Polyamory Councilor lined up for Wednesday. My wife id conflicted over if she is Lesbian or Bi-sexual. Her new partner has worked very hard to convince her that she is a lesbian and entering into a poly relationship would be fruitless. Additionally, through facebook she has posted a barrage of gay images with cute loving statements. My wife and I sat here this evening and discussed the councilor (I scheduled a female to make her more at ease) and how the main purpose was to initially help her through her sexual identity crisis. The conversation pivoted to "Intervention". This had to planted by the new love, because the actual intention was to allow her to become aware of her actual identity with the help of a professional, not a love lorn partner. Soon the conversation collapsed entirely and when asked point blank about the direction she wished to go, divorce was profoundly declared. Thus ends the avenue for our union to stay intact. I feel that this was a viable alternative, but it was usurped by competition from a determined new partner doling out sensations and euphoric pleasures not experienced in my wife's 42 years. Again, good folks, thank you for the opportunity to salvage my marriage by
rendering exceptional advice and insight.

kdt26417 01-22-2013 08:24 PM

Sorry to hear about the divorce thing. It sounds as if your wife is being led around by a nose ring by this new partner. I could be wrong. But regardless, there's nothing you can do about it if your wife wants to separate (other than trying to physically force her to stay which obviously isn't a good option).

You could try to have a few more conversations with your wife, in case she changes her mind. But she may have to learn by taking her own path in life.

Again, my sympathies go out to you.
Kevin T.

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