I'm all messed up.
Hi, everyone. I found this and I just hope this is the place to get some guidance. I just celebrated my 9th wedding anniversary in December. This week my wife and I had an extended argument about me being on down the totem pole of consideration for time and in some decisions. We had recently had a dinner date at a Thai restaurant, spent Saturday doing fun things that culminated at the Fox, in Atlanta. On Wednesday, she was trying to convince me to go to my Dad's, today. This was kind of pushy for her and made me curious. We were on facebook, sitting next to each other and she was angling her laptop so I couldn't see. I know it's not cool, but I logged into her account and saw shocking instant messaging going on. My wife and our housekeeper planning a tryst with explicit descriptions of what they were to do to each other. I blew up, showed her that I was logged on and she told me that it happened the same Saturday that we just spent going to Atlanta. She met her for breakfast and when they left, the housekeeper tried to kiss her. Now we have separated for a few days and she is with her. She is coming back Sunday, to talk. Divorce is in the air, but I love her and she has said she is confused and not said that she no longer loves me. The housekeeper is an ex dancer and has had other "girls" and her husband supports an open relationship. I'm treading in new territory here. Any help?
Welcome to our forum.
I'm sorry you had to find us under such difficult circumstances. It sounds like you and your wife have some pretty heavy issues to work through. A poly-friendly counselor would be good to go to if the two of you could swing that.
I'm also sorry your wife isn't talking to you right now. But there may be hope if she's at least willing to talk to you tomorrow (Sunday).
Polyamory isn't a bad thing per se, but cheating is, like, not okay. Additional relationships are supposed to be carried out with the knowledge and consent of all concerned. I'm assuming your wife figured you wouldn't say yes to a poly arrangement anyhow, and yet she still wanted to stay with you, so she kind of chickened out on telling you about it. Doesn't make it okay that she did that, but that's probably what was going on.
I think it's very big of you to open your mind to this idea, in spite of all the drama and sneaking around. For what it's worth, there's a great deal of help and info to be had on this website, so you are in a good place if you want to learn and try to understand polyamory.
First things first, you have to find out if your wife is at least willing to stay with you (and communicate with you) at this point. Next, you have to find a way to work on the problems in the marriage. As I said, a counselor would be a good idea. Once those two things have been addressed, you can then talk about the idea of her (and you if you want) being poly.
I hope things go okay when you talk with her. It's possible she has some kind of deep unhappiness in the marriage, or maybe it's just her being chicken about admitting to you of her poly feelings.
Please keep us posted on how things are going, and let us know of any thoughts or questions you may have.
some "if" scenarios
Finding out the person you feel you can trust the most has actually been dishonest with you for a while is really awful. I'm sorry your situation happened this way.
I'm just thinking out loud (I'm new to this site and to poly), but from what you describe, it sounds like your wife indeed loves you and wasn't deciding to leave you.
What she did was disrespectful to you and your relationship with her... but it wasn't malicious. That is, she didn't do it with intentions to hurt you (I assume).
Let's say that she hadn't done anything with this other woman yet. But rather she went about all of this with utmost respect for your marriage and the love and trust you share, and broached the subject with you about having this outside relationship. I guess I'm thinking you ought to ask yourself if your feelings would be any different if all of this played out the "right" way?
You could have discussed it, the whats and whys and huhs, and your worries and your fears. And you could start to maybe wrap your head around the possibility of it playing out... would it all feel less threatening?
If so, then perhaps you could forgive your wife and start over with some deep conversations about all of this.
Good luck. You're in an emotionally tough spot.
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