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-   -   So I know I messed up... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=38056)

CattivaGattina 01-17-2013 07:25 PM

So I know I messed up...
 
But I need advice as to where to go from here.

Background: I've asked Primal (hell anyone in my family) to tell me if I do something that causes them stress or whatever so steps can be taken to make sure things are okay. Primal's told me everything is fine.

Last night Peaseblossum called and since he was going to take a shower asked me to see what was up. When I hung up his phone went back to a text conversation they were having where he mentioned not knowing what to do with me.

So now I'm confused because that was after he told me he'd let me know if there was anything that needed to change but since I guess this could kinda fall under snooping I don't know how to approach him.

WhatHappened 01-17-2013 07:31 PM

I'm not sure it's snooping if something popped up right in front of your face that you didn't go looking for. Or did you pursue the text and deliberately continue reading?

SNeacail 01-17-2013 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CattivaGattina (Post 178947)
Last night Peaseblossum called and since he was going to take a shower asked me to see what was up. When I hung up his phone went back to a text conversation they were having

You weren't intentionally snooping. He told you to answer his phone, the text was visible, this is NOT intentional snooping. My suggestion - fess up to seeing the text, then ask him to explain what's going on. Some people just don't know how to communicate when they are having an issue. My husband can't stand to bring up a problem unless he has already figured out a solution or has thought about it long enough to realize he has no solution, which might be weeks.

GalaGirl 01-18-2013 05:10 AM

You could ask for the clarify. Keep it simple and ask the source what is up with that. Maybe something like...
"Hey, I wasn't snooping. But now I'm re-confused. Could you please explain so I can understand?

Last night when I asked for feedback you told me all was good. I felt reassured.

Then later this text thing popped up that where you mentioned not knowing what to do with me. So now I'm re-confused because that was after you told me you'd let me know if there was anything that needed to change.

Was it just like "Oh, that C... she just worries over nothing?" If so, can you reassure me that is what it was?

If it is you actually DO have something to tell me but aren't ready to share... I'd prefer you not tell me "all is ok" if there's actually things coming later. I rather you tell me "I do want to talk about something, but I'm not ready to share. How about a check in on _____? I may or may not be reasy to share, but I'll at least check in" instead.

All relationships have stuff, that's not a biggie, and I'm willing to work things out. But I just don't want to be told "all is good" and it is not actually good. That feeds my confused bucket. Since it's a lie (even a "polite lie"), it also feeds my worry/trust bucket. I want to be less confused. Not more in this relationship. I want to be able to trust your words in this relationship. Please be more clear and up front to me. Thank you."
Could something like that work?
Galagirl

Marcus 01-18-2013 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 178950)
You weren't intentionally snooping. He told you to answer his phone, the text was visible, this is NOT intentional snooping.

Still, that's a crappy way to have to start a conversation. They're right though, you certainly have to be honest about what happened.

I'm a little confused though, what prompted your initial conversation about "if I'm doing anything causing you stress, please tell me about it"? Was that just a roommate type conversation where you were letting them know it's ok to talk to you? It sounds like you're really fretting about this, like your offer for them to talk to you was something deeper. Are you a little insecure about how you are relating?

CattivaGattina 01-18-2013 06:16 PM

He mentioned on our last date that he was feeling a lot of stress recently. That's why I said what I did.


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