Tiana's Blog - Life's Everchanging Path
Let's see, where to begin....I've never been very good a writing journals of any kind, but I thought that this couldn't hurt. I will try and post updates as things happen, though likely they will not be daily updates, but I will check for comments, feedback, advice etc, daily. There are several people in the blog that I will mention and to keep things straight I will refer to them with pseudonyms. And please pardon my horrible and many typos in advance. Also apologies for the length of it I have to use multiple posts for this first entry, future entries will be shorter I promise!
I am a 28, soon to be 29 year old woman living in Canada. Growing up, I only ever had monogamous relationships. I was 16 when I had my first boyfriend. We were together for a year, but it was little more than an elevated friendship, it never progressed beyond romance. At 17 I had a new boyfreind, Akira, via a long distance relationship as he lived in a different province from me. The day after my high school prom I flew back with him to him to his province and began a life with him......and his mother. This relationship did not go very well. His mother largely sabotaged my relationship with him and he had alot of issues as well being an adult living with attention deficit disorder, he never really grew out of the mentality of being a 17 year old boy, which made life very difficult for us. Naive as I was I had hoped I could change him and help him overcome alot of those obstacles but quickly learned that that was impossible.
There were several times throughout the course of my relationship with Akira that I was tempted by other men in my life, whom I cared about as well, and had though and daydreams of intimacy with them. Then towards the end of my 9 years with him things began to feel apart. We had tried relationship counseling but Akira did not take it seriously and assumed the only problem with our relationship with that my sex drive was broken and there had to be something wrong me. In the last 5 months of our relationship I met a man online, Bob, and developed a near instant connection with him. We became close friends very quickly and it wasn't long before Bob developed stronger feelings for me which he revealed and I knew I shared, though at that time I did not tell him that. We remained friends, as he felt it was not right to have such feelings for me given I was already in a relationship, albeit a failing one.
Then not long afterwards a situation was forced upon me in my relationship with Akira that I could not deal with and I fled to male friend, Edge's, house for 3 days. During that time, Edge became more than just a friend, he and I had always been close. He was there for me when I needed him and gave me the intimacy I so missed and was lacking in my relationship with my Akira. I was also in touch with Bob during this time. At that time, I wrote off all the feelings of love and intimacy I felt for both Edge and Bob as just e being a desperate girl in a bad situation reaching out for that which I did not have, I did not at the time even remotely think it could be possible, or even okay to love more than one person.
Shortly after my stay with Edge I moved back home to my own province, back in with my parents, living in the basement. I remained in touch with Akira and hoped that some time apart might help mend things between he and I. It was not to be, over the course of a month of bi-weekly phone calls Akira never once asked how I was doing or feeling, though I would often ask about him and he would be quite happy to talk about himself. He never mentioned anything about how he was feeling in regards to our time apart or that he missed me or anything. After that month, and 9 years of knowing who he is and how he thinks I knew it was not going to get any better, and I ended the relationship with Akira. It was probably one of the hardest things I'd ever had to have done at that point in my life, but I recovered quickly because in my heart I had known for a long time that it was over.
A few weeks later, I was free to pursue a relationship with Bob. Bob lives in the southern US, and came up to Canada for my birthday and we hit it off pretty quickly and developed and intimate and sexual relationship. We often talked about the future and what we both wanted for ourselves. We both shared alot of the same goals, to get married one day and have children, and raise a family. We often talked about such things and how it would work and if it could work between he and I. All the while, I still felt and believed that I was a monogamous person. It never crossed my mind otherwise, in fact it wasn't even something I ever thought about, it simply was.
As things turned a bit more serious between Bob and I, we began talking more and more about how it could work between us given he was a US citizen and I was a Canadian one. Bob's coming to Canada and acquiring US citizenship was tricky business as he has a misdemeanor on his record, me moving to the US and acquiring residency there (I would not give up my Canadian status), was also difficult as I would not be able to get a work permit for at least 3 months after being married, and, during the time my residency application was pending I would not be allowed to leave the US, which meant I couldn't visit my family. My family is very important to me and a big part of my life, and I love my country and never wanted to permanently leave it so this made things very difficult for me. Bob set in place a plan where he and I could move to Seattle after being married so as to be as near to my family as possible, which at the time I thought was alright, things frequently aren't real to me until they are upon me, so I was, or at the time thought I was, okay with that.
Never the less things progressed and after two years Bob proposed and I said yes. We set a wedding date, Oct 2010. We picked a location and began plans. I returned home and started working on things from my end with my mother and grandmother. I was very excited. The about around Christmas time, I met John online. At first John and I were just friends, we only talked in the MMO we met in and over im's. We became friends very quickly and we chatted with each often. My wedding plans progressed, Unity candles got decorated, my custom wedding dress was ordered, handmade invitations were sent out, toasters, serving knives, and cake toppers were all bought, and pieces for the table favours were ordered.
Sometime just after Easter John mentioned one of his hobbies to me was Hypnosis and it caught my attention right away and he told me about friends he shared this with. I made a comment about how I didn't think I could be hypnotized and he expressed an interest in trying it with me as he felt that everyone should get to experience it at least once. I was reluctant, but after a few weeks expressed that I'd be willing to let him try it was just a matter of timing as to when I was not spending time with Bob, as Bob and I were on voice chat and webcams daily, I hardly got any time to myself when I was not working. After a while the opportunity presented itself and John text-tranced me for the first time. It was a very interesting experience. He had expressed to me ahead of time that I was always in control and if I didn't like what he was doing I could easily break free of it. He gave me some audio hypnosis tracks to listen to that were for relaxation and for a boost of energy.
I began talking with John on voice not long after he text-tranced me and it wasn't long before he tranced me in voice. I want to make clear here to any readers of this blog that John DID NOT use hypnosis as a means of mind control to force me to have feelings for him. Since that time he and I have had many Hypnosis sessions and they are very enjoyable. We came to know each other a bit better and spent alot of time in our MMO together. I made several new friends through John whom I love dearly and are close to my heart. Things progressed and I soon found an inner conflict within myself, because of feelings developing more than what they should (from a mono stand point) in an engaged woman's heart.
continued in next post
Things went along and I tried to ignore it, thought it did not go unnoticed by others, the new mutual friends I had made via John, the attraction between John and myself. He himself didn't even realize it until one of them pointed it out to him. Once he realized it though he tried to hide it from me because of my engagement. But for him it was a losing battle, as between he and I it is very hard to keep secrets from one another.
While I was visiting Bob for two weeks in July and preparing for my move to the US at the beginning of September, and getting wedding arrangements made, the truth came out that John loved me, and I realized it within myself at the time as well that I felt the same for him. I kept this hidden from Bob for my entire stay with him, though because I was highly confused and conflicted.
Having been raised Catholic and Bob being also a Christian man, this did not make life easy for me. I was in fact tearing myself apart inside and trying to reconcile somehow keeping John in my life but still getting married to Bob. I wanted to keep them both, but Bob would never accept it. I was encouraged by John to tell Bob the truth about how I felt. One of my friends I met through Bob I learned was married but also had a girlfriend. John mentioned that the term he thought this friend used to describe it was polyamourous. It was then that I looked up the definition online and found these forums and made my first post for help and advice. The advice and feedback I received was echoed by John and our friends who knew about he and I.
In the end I told Bob the truth because had I just gone through with the marriage and tried to hide John from Bob it would be the same as cheating and ultimately collapsed the marriage. I also felt I had to be honest with Bob, as I am in general a pretty honest person. The phone conversation between Bob and took place over two days. Bob was crushed. He needed time to consider everything I had told him, and asked me to promise not to speak to John or anyone about the situation until I was able to speak to him (Bob) again when he got home. I made the promise, and was allowed to tell John about it before I acted on the promise. This was again one of the hardest things I ever had to do, not only telling Bob, but on top of that not being allowed any support for those 24 hours while Bob sorted through his thoughts. His reason behind asking me to make that promise was that he wanted me to be able to answer any questions he had unbiased and uninfluenced by anyone other than myself. It was a very painful 24 hours.
At the end of those 24 hours, Bob and I spoke again, and he said he could accept this, despite the fact he now hated John with a passion (he had had an uneasy feeling about him previously). However, he wanted me to wait a full year before I could meet John in person. This simply was a restriction I could not handle. Our wedding was called off (two days before my bridal shower was supposed to happen), and our relationship as lovers ended. I was torn apart, and hurting deep inside. I had hurt Bob deeply and it hurt me to know I had done so because I still loved him, but he wanted me to effectually cut John from my life and I knew that would kill part of me inside to do so.
But this is not the end of the story. About a week later, Bob suddenly flew up to Canada to see me and talk to me. I freaked out because at that point I had just begun to collect myself so that I wasn't crying every time I thought about him, and could function enough to go to work. I panicked and left my house, telling John about it, I had intents of staying in a hotel until Bob returned to the US. Living in my parentsí house, of course my parents tried to force the situation. Eventually I did see Bob, and did not end up hiding in a hotel. Some things that led to collapse were discussed, however, Bob never once mentioned John in the conversation at all nor that I had told him I was capable of loving more than one person. I told him that perhaps there might be hope down the road for he and I, but I needed to sort myself out first and what I wanted. Bob went home a few days later.
So the healing begins. Here I am, trying to figure things out and sort my life out, and rediscover me. A catholic upbringing and societal "norms" did not help matters any. Couple that with Bob still iming me over the first week every couple days when he had been told not only by me, but my mother that I needed my space and time to think and heal. Eventually he did leave me alone after a very heavy email I sent him, and I began to start to look at myself and what I wanted more easily. But everytime I thought of Bob for that first week I felt pain and had to push those thoughts away.
Through all of this, John was there for me as a shoulder to cry on and to help me deal with my pain. He sometimes offered advice, but most of the time just let me vent as he knew it was something I needed to figure out and sort through on my own. He was wonderful to me and gave me distraction in the MMO when I needed it from my overwhelming myself with my thoughts.
After about 2 weeks I was able to talk to Bob on im's again, and he was glad to be able to talk to me again. We didn't talk about anything in regards to the relationship though as I was not ready for that. And earlier this week we were starting to have normal conversations again when suddenly out of the blue he informs me that my mother had told him I'd been talking to John on the phone, and though he claimed to have forgiven both John and I for what transpired, Bob said that knowing I talked to John on the phone was like being stabbed in the back again. Bob than said I wouldn't see him on im's anymore, and that he still had lots of questions and felt like he was treading on eggshells around me not to ask them cuz I wasn't ready for those discussions. I told him just to email me all the questions anyways at least that way I'd have some direction as to what he needs to know to either give us closure or to rebuild a relationship between us. He did so and, said I would only hear from him via email or phone at my discretion.
continued in next post
I was hurt, I felt betrayed by my mother, things were getting better for me, and I was beginning to make sense of what I needed then it all came crashing down around me again. At that point I once again began to think I was crazy, that something was wrong with and considered counseling, but then I realized a counselor (unless they were poly) would only tell me how wrong I was and that I should only love one man, and I knew that wasn't what I needed. So I began to look up poly online and see if I couldnít' find any groups or info boards in my area. I felt that if I met people who were poly and felt as I did that it would better help me to understand and accept the poly part of myself and accept that there is not anything wrong with me.
As luck would have it I found a discussion group that was meeting on Sept 24, it was only a day or so away. I decided to go to it and told John, who encouraged me to go. So I went, and that was last night, and I am SO glad I did. When I arrived I was emotional and felt very awkward, however the people I met there were wonderful and could relate to my situation well. They embraced me and listened to me, and by the end of the night I no longer felt alone in my home town. Those of you who are on these boards that attended that group, THANK YOU, so much for making me feel welcome and for your compassion and understanding. I really felt like I was where I belongs, and among friends.
I will continue to go to this group in the future and know it will help me in my healing. As for my situation with Bob....I am at an impasse. Since I initially told him about my poly self, when I called off our marriage, he has not made any mention about it at all. I get the feeling he thinks I will grow out of it, or that it's just a phase, but given my history and knowing my own heart, I know it is now. It is something I need to tell him about again, and to discuss with him. There are two ways that it can go, either he won't be able to embrace me fully for what I am and there will be some rough closure, or we can rebuild and I can still have both men I love in my life, which is what I most want for this outcome. I am still rather fragile at this point though and still insecure about being poly a bit, but I feel I am now on the right track. I do not know when I will feel comfortable or when the right time for me will be to tell Bob about poly me once more, but I know I should not wait too much longer to do so. I really want to know more about poly-life and know the terms and such so that when I do tell him I can do so with confidence and understanding of myself. I hope that in having a blog here I will get some feedback (and I will TRY and post updates as I go along), and support, and by having a community I belong to now where I have support physically present, that it will make things easier and that the time will come to tell Bob sooner rather than later.
Sorry this is such along first entry, but there was alot to tell, and future entries should be shorter with all this explained.
Hello and welcome from another Ontarian :).
Thanks for sharing this Tiana :) I think your story is one of realizations and bravery. I think you have done what will ultimately be for the better of both you and Bob regardless of the outcome. Glad you found community ;)
thanks for sharing Tiana. good to meet you. :)
What to do and how to do it?
I am feeling rather down today, and though perhaps sharing things here might help me a little. Things with Bob have been complicated. He is still hanging onto me and wanting that monogamous relationship with me that would be too confining for me to handle. So hereís the scoop...
Bob and John both live in different states in the US and I live in Canada, something I forgot to mention in my first entry. I have known Bob for 3 years now. John I have only known for one.
So last week my mother, who knows about John and my feelings for him, decided it would be a good idea to tell Bob in an email (as they had kept in touch) that I was talking to John on the phone sometimes. He said it felt like a stab in the back to him. I didnít understand this at all. Am I not allowed to choose who I do and do not talk to in my life, on the phone or otherwise? I have only actually talked to John on the phone a couple times, but I regularly talk to him using a VoIP program which is alot clearer than the landline phone. This got patched over after a bit but it was not pleasant for me at all, it actually hurt me alot, and it was concerning.
Then just last night Bob poured his heart out to me and told me everything he wanted in a relationship with me. I got the feeling from what he said that he has either forgotten when I initially told him I could love more than one person, or that he is ignoring it and hoping it is ďjust a phaseĒ for me. I am more inclined to believe the latter. He emphasized several times he wanted us to be partners in a relationship, called me his better ďhalfĒ. He told me that I literally mean everything to him. Things he used to be interested in no longer mean anything to him if Iím not interested in them. He literally told me he wanted to put me up on the pedestal and give me everything, that he couldnít give me the world, but that he could try.
It is worrisome to me that he would give up everything that is him just to please me. I do love him dearly, but I donít want him to become someone completely different and live in misery to please me. I also do not want to hurt him again. I know he wants a monogamous relationship with me but I canít give him that, and I need to tell him that, but I am scared of hurting him again so badly, especially with how much he is clinging to that hope of having that life with me, that it is becoming harder for me to tell him. I know if I donít tell him though I am just dragging things out and it could potentially cause him more pain. I was wanting to wait till I understood and knew more about Poly life and how it can work, before I talked to him about it, at the very least until after a womenís meet I am going to next weekend. I want him to understand and embrace me as poly, and for any future relationship between he and I to work, he has to, because even if, and I donít see it happening, things between John and I die down or come to an end, I canít promise him that I wonít develop feelings for someone else as well down the road.
Things are complicated with this as well. My parents are going on a vacation to his city, as if theyíd cancel their flights for what was going to be my wedding, theyíd have gotten no refund so they decided to go anyway. He has been in contact with my mom via email in regards to this trip and has offered to give them transport and drive them places. I worry that if I tell him before they go, that he will withdraw that support and my parents will be lost in that city.
To complicate things, John and I have never met in person and he has been discussing the idea of us meeting up somewhere when he has holidays in November. While I want to meet him, I need to tell Bob about myself before I consider this, because if a simple phone call hurt him what would it do to him to know John and I would be meeting each other on top of the news that I am Poly? I think it would be too much all at once. Bob wants honesty from me, and I have tried to give it to him, but have been holding back on telling him about my being Poly, while I learn more about myself, and Bob does know I am not ready to tell him or answer all his questions.
John has been here for me through all this, he feels he identifies himself as poly as well, though heís never put a label on it before, and because of that he understands where I am coming from. I have been talking to him and leaning on him for support lately since at the moment I canít do that with Bob. Ideally, if I understand the terms correctly, Iíd like Bob to be my primary and John to be a secondary. I know that I could not live with John and that he does want children. I do want kids one day and I know that Bob does and that I could potentially live with him comfortably. But just because I canít live with John and because he does not want children, does not mean I do not still want him in my life. I love him too, he has been there for me, makes me happy in avenues where Bob cannot and we have shared things that I could never have seen or shared with Bob. The both balance me and fill me.
I am at a loss as to what to do in regards to telling Bob, when I should tell him, how to tell him and minimize the hurt, whether I should go and meet John (would need to book soon so it doesnít get expensive), alot of things on my mind, and it is dampening my spirits today to the point where I really donít want to get out of bed. There are things I should be doing, but I just donít have the motivation right now.
Tiana, you seem quite confident that you do not want or could handle a monogamous relationship. Bob seems quite confident and convinced that he does and won't be healthy in a poly one. Unless you plan on denying a part of who you are, I think you should tell him. If he is as adamant as you say then you truly won't be compatable for a long, stable, and healthy life that could include children.
Your parents and Bob will likely be discussing how to bring you around to a mono way of life so be aware of that.
Looks like this entry is going to be acouple posts long again as I have inadvertently been putting it off, so sorry in advance!
About a week ago I went to the womenís poly group. I had a great time, and there was alot of support there for me from other women who are poly as well. I didnít feel alone, weird, strange or that there was something wrong with me and got friendly advice for what to do with my situation with Bob. Much of the feedback I heard from others was that Bob is being pushy with me and trying to gain back some control over me and that the questions he asked me in an email sounded like he was controlling and trying to make me feel guilty for being honest with him and for trying to take control of my life in my realization of being poly.
It has been an up and down week since. John and I have been discussing meeting each other and have book tickets to meet in late November. I am both excited and nervous about it, not entirely sure I am nervous; perhaps it is simply because it will be the first time we will meet in person. He has been wonderful this week, though I feel bad for leaning on him so much emotionally lately. As it was me that cancelled my marriage to Bob, I got stuck with the debt for it. The bank declined my credit card limit increase and I was panicking. Meanwhile John had already been making arrangements to cover the debt in the background. I feel really bad about relying on him (and a mutual friend of ours) to have to look after it for me but in the end I didnít have any other choice. John said that he realized initially that I probably couldnít handle the debt and that he would pick it up. I feel bad and do fully intend to pay both him and our friend back. John realized it was a way that he could help me and sees it as taking care of me. He said I didnít need to pay him back but that if I wanted to he wouldnít stop me from doing so.
I should make a note here that when I brought this topic up at the womenís group that I received feedback to be cautious about John giving me large sums of money like this as it could be a sign of him trying to be controlling as well. However the situation is different between John and I. It dips a slight bit into the D/S world. While we both donít live and breathe in the scene full time, we are both switches. He sits more on the Dom end of the scale and I sit more on the sub end of the scale normally. For the most part he is usually Dominant to me and I submissive to him. So we both view the money thing as part of a Dom taking care of his Sub (even though I still have trouble grasping that for a large amount), and I am alright with that, and quite enjoy being submissive to him alot of the time. Though there is the odd time where we switch roles and it is an interesting experience for me, though I canít stay on that end for too long.
Anyways back on topic here. The later half of this week I was talking to Bob again, and the conversation turned awkward. He mentioned how if he and I got back together again I would eventually have to give some explanation to his mother about everything. That is something I have been dreading, even though at this point I have strong doubts about whether or not we can be together again, I will elaborate further on that shortly. My birthday is coming up next month and I will be 29. Bob had asked me about whether or not I had tried on these shoes, MBTís, at the store downtown, as I really need a good pair of shoes to work in and I have no arches on my feet at all, and anything with arches just plain hurt. These shoes had been highly recommended to me but a friend and Bob offered to pay for them and buy me a pair in the US if I gave him the size and style info. So heíd asked me if Iíd had the chance to try them on because at least this way itíd make things easier for him in figuring out what to get me. I told him not to worry about a gift as I didnít expect gifts from anyone since money is tight this year all around. Then he asked me a very odd question. He said it wasnít about what I expected then asked if I was ending any chance of he and I repairing our relationship and calling it quits for good. I was very confused. I told him I wasnít and asked where that question had come from. He didnít really answer, just said that as far as he was concerned I was still the love of his life and that he wanted to help me however he could and that to him my birthday was still just as important as anyone elseís. I donít really feel comfortable with him giving me an expensive gift or really anything at all, particularly when the future of any relationship between he and I is still yet to be determined.
This is not even the worst of it. The conversation soon moved to talk of Christmas because of my comment about expenses being tight he offered to help pay for presents and said they could just be marked as being from both he and I. I told him it would have to wait and see where things stood at that time and asked him not to rush me. He then started to get pushy saying it had already been two months (when itís only been a month and a half) and he asked me what was considered rushing or reasonable. I had to point out to him it hadnít yet been 2 months and told him when I was ready Iíd bring things up. I donít heal easily or forgive myself easily either, that I might seem strong but am still fragile inside. He said heíd try not to push me and would try and hold on as long as he could, that heís living on faith and prayer atm. I told him that even though it probably feels like forever for him, for me Iíve only just begun to sort myself out (in discovering am poly, though havenít told him that yet), and that when I was ready to talk to him Iíd have alot to say and hoped that after I was done heíd still want me in his life. He told me that would depend on what I had to say. He also told me that if it made it any easier for me that he would not compromise his religion or morals again, that after being through the pain of doing it to ďsaveĒ our engagement, he wouldnít go through that again. In my view what he did (see blog entry #1 part 2 about this). Then he mentioned for the first time since I called off the wedding, about the idea of an open marriage and being with other people even after being married. I had thought he had forgotten or was hoping it was just a phase that I was going through, I still believe though that he is hoping it is just a phase and that Iíll ďlose interestĒ after a while.
Blog 3 part 2
With his statement about not compromising, to me I view it as him never being able to accept or embrace me for what I am, and it breaks my heart because I do love him very much and donít want to lose him, but I also know I canít be that dutiful, good Christian monogamous wife that he wants me to be. I was an emotional wreck that night and towards the end was beating myself up for having been born and for having such a large heart. I felt it was a blessing and a curse. I was playing my MMO with John and some friends a couple hours before bedtime and was sitting at my desk, my back was in a lot of pain, as I have back issues and had been working that day, but at that point I really didnít care that my back hurt and I needed to lay down I kept playing the MMO and didnít say anything. At bedtime I was hungry and didnít care enough to bother eating. The next morning I was in tears when I woke up and I had to work that day. I really wished I had not been born.
At the end of the day I got home, and was in a lot of pain as I had had a longer shift at work than usual and my back was suffering for it. I lay down and was talking to John and two friends of mine and my two friends ambushed me by using one of my open hypnosis triggers, which produces a physical reaction in me, which essentially makes me feel like Iím being tickled at first but after it is used several times it serves to relax me. They used it so many times I couldnít move and couldnít feel a thing. It was wonderful, and they eventually used it so much I fell into trance. It was what I needed even though neither they nor I were aware of it until later.
My mother and grandmother left yesterday to fly to the US and visit Bob and use their trip that had been intended originally for my wedding. It puts me in an awkward spot because I know I need to tell Bob about my being poly and be completely honest with him about it, however with my family there visiting and having no way around or to the airport without Bob, I hesitate to tell him in the off chance my family might get stuck without a way around. The other thing is I will need to tell my father about my trip to visit John coming up, which will be exceedingly hard for me, as I know my father will not understand my being poly at all. I live at home with my folks atm as I cannot afford to move out, so my just up and disappearing for a few days is not a good thing. My mother knows about the trip, so it just will be telling my Dad.
That bring me to today, I am not as broken as I was a few days ago with what Bob told me, but I am still hurting inside and afraid of losing him. I know I will have John regardless of what happens, but even with John, I will still feel like a large part of me is missing if I lose Bob. I love John alot, but I also love Bob greatly. If I had to explain it and compare the two, the love I have for John is in its infancy and is just starting to blossom into becoming more than what it has been, versus the love I have for Bob is strong and has been around and in full bloom for 3 years. I donít know if that makes any sense, but I guess the real point is that the love I feel for each of them is different and I would greatly miss them if I lost them.
So thatís where I am at, hurting inside, and still sorting through what to do and clinging to hope beyond all hope that Bob will be able to embrace me for what I am, as unlikely as it now seems given what he told me those couple days ago.
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