Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Confused Polywog (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3775)

spaghetticat 09-23-2010 02:41 AM

Confused Polywog
I think I posted an intro on the board in July and have been fairly absent. I have "dealt" (happily) with a LOT of changes. Somethings have been so uncomfortable I am not even sure how I dealt with them, other things just totally wonderful.
I have also taken on a lot of new things in my life including going back to school, volunteering for things, part time job etc, so as you can imagine juggling regular life with poly has/is still a bit of a struggle but (i don't remember the term)I feel like with my two loves I am very fulfilled, and they both seem to be okay with the time we can have together in between each others schedules and each others lives- we are just tweaking it.

The relationship for me was very awkward at first because my primary seems to either be mono or have no interest in being with anyone but me at this time- not really looking for a label for what that is- he has done some things that he felt would add to our relationship and his overall happiness- and I guess just all the talks and everything talking, making everyone aware, establishing boundaries that kind of thing..

Anyways here is the current situation. I am in school and have about 17 months left. My school is broken up into 3 terms so I would be finished the first term in about 5 months or so. Primary and i have wanted to have a child for a while, and actually tried for a year, but no success. I have also just found out that I won't be getting as much of my college paid for as was expected. I have the first term paid for no issues there- its just the 2nd and 3rd will cause financial hardship unless we do one particular thing which isnt something either of us want. (Sorry long background)

Well since trying and failing at getting pregnant, we are both leaning towards trying again. please don't misunderstand the above text as us not being able to afford having a child- its not that- the school is just a very expensive technical school.

I am fluid bonded with both of my partners so I realize this will affect both the sexual boundaries (as primary is the only one we are comfortable with being the father) if we continue a sexual relationship.

I am very very close to both these men and love them. We all seem to have different needs for time, love and attention that seem to work well between our schedules and I love what we have.

I realize this will change a lot (as will everything I suppose) once we do have a child. Because of the lengths of the terms, if we choose to start trying to get pregnant in the second term I may or may not complete that entire term without pregnancy (due to past fertility issues but you never know)

Anyways I am currently just talking about this with my other sweetie and of course my primary to see how this will work for us..

There is still lots of time, but I guess if anyone has any wisdom to be shared here it would be wonderful? I know we need to discuss more about what would happen, if we could continue the additional relationship after the child and how we all feel about it, and how it would affect the future possible child. There is something available for me to be able to afford school, but it ends up short changing us so we are trying to avoid it, but its not a definite no. I absolutely adore what I am studying and feel that it is what I am meant to be doing in my life.

Anyways...maybe I just needed to get this out to some unbiased people, or get some perspectives on things I hadn't thought about, but any feedback would be great. I would really appreciate it if you do provide me feedback even if its a "negative thing to say" to please be kind :)


MindfulAgony 09-23-2010 04:07 AM

Being in graduate school while having a newborn was one of the hardest things I've ever done (oh yes, I was also working full time). I'm a very active father by neccessity (health issues with my wife). So, it's not like I could check out. I would hesitate recommending doing both based on my experience.

Depending on your age, waiting may prove more useful.

redpepper 09-23-2010 04:48 AM

I would suggest leaving the kid thing until later after you are done school, established yourself in a good job, paid off the possible debt school may cause because it seems that you were unaware of how much it might be and then have a kid..... all this without adding a poly relationship.

I have a child. They are not the bundle of joy that they are marketed as... who ever made up that saying was a grandparent I think, because they can marvel about how joyous it is that their offspring made a baby. Seriously, they are fucking hard work, more than you have ever experienced in your life or ever will experience in your life. School, work, ....nothing compares at all!

I would think that it might be difficult to stay stress free while in school anyways and why disappoint yourself if a child doesn't take? Relax, take your time, enjoy your studies if you love what you do, there is no rush...

I had a kid at 32! I am assuming you are young if you are in college. There is nothing but time for you and believe me, you will be missing your youth by having a baby. Enjoy it while you have it, because when you get to be old like me, you will wish you did.

So the boyfriend, I bet you ten bucks if you have a child with your primary that he won't be around for long. He will be completely out of the loop and unnecessary to you. I would suggest that you will be begrudging his demand for attention and intimacy as much or more than your primary. Baby will be primary, you will be secondary and there is really nothing left for at least a year but bossing others around to help you... and so it should be! You will need the help! I would be willing to bet my life on the boyfriend straying and finding someone who can give him some attention.

No, I think it best to wait. Who knows, maybe you can all move in together a few years from now and make a baby together. Figure out the support plan, all have jobs, and a firm grasp on the future, be enjoying yourself and be relatively secure and stress free.. By then you will know if your men will stay with you and can rely on them for anything you need.

Tonberry 09-23-2010 05:18 AM

I think my main concern would be how feasible it would be for you to keep studying and have a child.
There is the finances: if paying for the school is already going to be hard, it will be harder with an extra mouth, and children can be very costly.
There is the time: can you have enough time for studying while having and then raising a child?
And of course the focus: even if you make it to your classes, will you focus knowing your child is away? Will you even be able to focus due to the lack of sleep?

So, I guess my first instinct is, does that mean you have to choose? And if so, choosing to have a kid might mean not being able to go back to studying for many years... While finishing the studies first would get them out of the way, and you'd have a degree for finding a job whenever you want to go back to work (I don't know how long you'd want to take for your child).

On the other hand, being 3 people rather than 2 would certainly help spreading the tasks more evenly, giving everyone more time without the child to take care of, and so on. But is the partner who wouldn't be the father willing to help with that? And does he even live with you guys?

The thing is, with school, you can change your mind pretty much at any time. Stop earlier, or go for a longer degree, or whatnot. With a child, once it's started it's done forever, there will be an extra person to take into account and all of that.

I think ultimately, you need to try and think what would be best for everyone involved. For the child, for you, for the father, for your other partner (in that order, in my opinion).

Good luck!

redpepper 09-23-2010 05:36 AM

Wow tonberry, you said that way nicer than I did I think. I get all passionate sometimes when I hear people teetering on the edge of big decisions.

spaghetticat 09-23-2010 01:31 PM

I really appreciate everyone's responses. I spent a while last night talking to my secondary and the last couple days and today talking to my primary. School is just part time, one day a week and 1-2 Saturdays a weekend as I am going to be a massage therapist!

We won't have any debt when I finish school- my primary has an excellent job and he has been financially responsible for me, and the money I make doing other things just goes towards fun. The financial tightness is that we are just paying with scholarship money and cash so that we do not incur debt as none of us can agree if me working would work very well.

I think that after much more discussion with m secondary he agrees with your sentiments, that once I start trying things are going to change, and once I have a child that would change our relationship dynamic.

He does not live with us and I don't think that is something that is feasible in our relationship dynamics.

At this time we have decided to wait at LEAST until the middle of my second term of school to start trying- because I would graduate prior to being pregnant. I am not really concerned with getting a job so to speak. Massage is this wonderful amazing thing I feel like I am meant to be doing, but when the time comes it will have to work around my schedule and it would come second to my primary's career- it basically has to which I am okay with.

I guess I do get a little freaked out that I am almost 26 and have started on education and such later in life but I think for now waiting for a little while at least will be the best move.

Thank you so much everyone for your input, I really appreciate it :)

redpepper 09-23-2010 04:13 PM

Oh my gosh, 26 is not later in life! Wow. I think of going back to school and I'm 40! You are no way near later in life, that's your clock telling you that I bet.

You sound set on the baby and as well you should be. But as an older woman, who has lived a bit, please, please don't think anyone is going to take care of you. Your man is really great to offer and be a provider as some men like to be, but there are no guarantees. I'm glad you are getting a profession and looking after that, but stand proud in it, cause you may have to look after yourself with a baby in tow one day.

Other than that advice from an oldy goldy that has watched friends marry, have babies, and divorce way more often than not, take care of you and enjoy being looked after at the same time. Good luck :)

NeonKaos 09-23-2010 04:51 PM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 45540)
Oh my gosh, 26 is not later in life! Wow. I think of going back to school and I'm 40! You are no way near later in life, that's your clock telling you that I bet.

I know, I get a kick out of it when people say that... "Later in life" is when you have fewer years ahead of you than you have behind you, notwithstanding some tragic accident or disease.

Tonberry 09-24-2010 12:48 AM

I'm 25 and I do think you're still very young :) Both for your studies (when I was in university, there were people in their 30s, 40s and even 60s among the 20 year olds just out of high school) and also for having a kid.

It seems that you've talked about it and thought about it, good luck with your decision :) Remember that when you try it might not work for a while but it might also work the first time, so it's good to have a plan that can account for either case.

And good luck :)

spaghetticat 09-24-2010 04:26 AM

Thanks everyone... another kink in the road (hehe) so we shall see what happens. i guess i do tend to feel old for where I am in life because of my military affiliation, I have been married longer than most of my friends who all have 1,2,3 kids etc. some are divorced some aren't, and its not really what me and primary really wanted just yet.

I guess we will see how things pan out. Got some calls from the school that may change my education, but I do see where you are coming from, that if I do have I child if anything happens i need to make 100% sure that I can care for them on my own not that i would ever wish or hope for that to happen.


thanks everyone :)

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:11 AM.