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-   -   Dealing with a LACK of jealous feelings (mono-poly) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3770)

monaural 09-22-2010 06:57 PM

Dealing with a LACK of jealous feelings (mono-poly)
 
This sounds like a strange thing to kvetch about, I know, but I need to explore it. My poly girlfriend has another partner (male) and at least one female who she's physically close with (though more in a cuddle/makeout party kind of way). None of this bothers me, almost at all, besides an idle (and slowly eroding) worry that her other partners might one day threaten or dilute our bond.

Now, I come from a fiercely mono past- lots of live-in LTRs with matrimonial plans. Lots of tears over end-of-relationship cheating problems (never me, for the record) and a somewhat jealous, possessive cast over my recent love life due to being hurt and "betrayed" a few times.

The very idea of someone I love even having a trivial physical relationship with another person would have sent me into spirals of self-loathing apoplexy even a year and a half ago.

Where is my head at that I can think of my GF with other people and not feel anything but happiness that she's happy and at how happy we are together? Initially I thought this flippancy ;) was due to my trying not to be too involved with her. Now that we've made our relationship clear and feel very much in love, I have to sit and marvel at this.

My 'too strange/good to be true-ometer' is firing all the time right now, because I think my psyche can't believe how much it's grown in just a few months. I keep thinking one day I'll wake up and scream, "ACK! SHE'S ACTUALLY HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER DUDE/CHICK! WHAT THE F***?!"

...but that day hasn't come, even with some challenges and some (unrelated) down days, in which I'd normally have begun to doubt any contentious part of my life heavily.

It's totally outside my norms for me to think, yes, I only have a night or two per week to see her and it's not like she's a finite resource. Her loving another no longer sounds like a death knell of our relationship or some grand injustice, me left holding the (much!) shorter straw.

She shares hobbies and pursuits with her other loves that I don't necessarily geek out on, and vice versa. I see her life enriched and my own in turn, by what she passes on.

Honestly, I never ever thought I'd say this, but I'm kind of excited by the prospect of being able to build other, perhaps less intense relationships with other people when lightning strikes, which it often has (fruitlessly) during my mono relationships.

Man, am I seriously verging towards poly? As I live 'n' breathe.

So I wonder if others that came into poly through love rather than innate inclination have had this same sort of transformation, and, most importantly, did it last?

Ragabash 09-22-2010 07:16 PM

It all sounds to me like you're experiencing a healthy attitude towards your girlfriend's polyamoury. I felt the same way when my wife told me that she was in a relationship with her boyfriend, I just couldn't be jealous because she was so happy about it.

So look at it this way, you love your girlfriend and and are so secure in your relationship with her that you can be happy for her also loving and being with other people. That sounds like a pretty good state of mind to me, wouldn't you agree?

monaural 09-22-2010 07:29 PM

Yes, it does! It just feels so strange to have my heart change like this, and not feel as though I'm pressing it to, or struggling to maintain equilibrium. I tend to wonder if it's real! :) Many smaller changes have taken me lots of therapy/soul-searching.

Time will tell. For now I just need to let myself let go and be happy, I guess.

MonoVCPHG 09-22-2010 07:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monaural (Post 45403)
So I wonder if others that came into poly through love rather than innate inclination have had this same sort of transformation, and, most importantly, did it last?

I can't say I have had quite the same transformation. Mine is primarily in the area of acceptance for others. Poly has exposed me to many people who are vaslty different than myself. I have also changed in my preception of male female dynamics which has changed my view on mixed gender friendships outside of mono relationships. I haven't changed in some aspects of my monogamous nature (which has become even more developed and solidified for me) and other aspects related to social/religeous conditioning (marraige and ceremonies).

Sounds like you are doing vey good and maybe even experiencing a little happy NRE at the idea of enjoying poly for yourself..very cool!

Keep us updated :)

Tonberry 09-23-2010 04:48 AM

I'm poly, but I've had that weird feeling too. The "Shouldn't I be jealous?" kind of thing.
I'm used to hearing about jealousy from our monogamous society. I also read about polyamory and it often said "we're still jealous, we just work at it".
So I expected to be jealous. But that hasn't happened. I'm only happy when Rag talks about J, when stuff has happened, I try to help them get closer, the idea of them having sex makes me very happy...
The main thing is considering I was Rag's only experience before, I keep thinking "shouldn't I feel jealous about not being the only one anymore?" but that just doesn't happen.

I think it's because I'm there. I get to see it, hear about it, take part in it. It would probably be more painful to hear about it after the fact or from someone else and know Rag was hiding it from me, or something.

monaural 09-23-2010 08:40 AM

Thanks for your viewpoints, all. This site (and it's lovely members) have been a tremendous help in my short progression. :)

Even if this doesn't work out, I'll walk away having had a tremendous crash course in letting go of jealousy and possessiveness, along with this lovely love experience that's happening. I'm learning more about myself every day.

Not a lot to dislike about that!

Thanks again,
<3, Monaural

sparky615 09-25-2010 05:30 PM

I believe that we all go through cycles in our everyday lives. I had a situation a few years ago with My wife of 25 years and one of her plutonic girlfriends. There was definitely a super strong connection (what as I now know is NRE) between the two ladies, though nothing physical ever took place. This drove me nuts! they would talk on the phone for hours on end during the morning, then have lunch together, then more phone, then sports (both on the same team) then to the pub afterward. I worked most Saturdays so they were together all Saturday then Sunday was all day sports. Every party that they were invited to were ALWAYS "girls night out". At that time in my life, I owned a store front business that was floundering and finally fell apart. I was stressed to the max, and the girls close relationship almost pushed me over the edge. Flash forward to now. I work mostly for my self, out of my truck - no overhead. The economy has been tough on business, but I'm getting by. Wife and I are in a poly relationship with a single female, and now the more time that they spend together, the better I like it. It's sure as hell not perfect, we have a LOT of work to do with communication and learning how to "steer" this relationship with three drivers, lol! I don't consider myself a jealous person, however have said and done some things in my past that I mortified about. Just all about where you are in your own life. Just my 2 cents, I don't know the first thing about these damn things ('cept that we have an absurd amount of fun when we're not trying to kill each other):D

Fayerweather 09-26-2010 01:51 PM

Hi,

Just my two cents. In studying Neuro Linguistics and the chemical functions of the brain (not in any seriously scientific manner) I've learned that emotional reactions can become habbits. If you become accustumed to a new situation (your girlfriend having other partners) and accustomed to being ok with that situation, your brain will actually stop making connections to the chemical reactions that cause jealousy. It usually takes about 20-30 days for your brain to start differently connecting to different emotional/chemical neurotransmitters and slowly but surely, it won't be able to connect to those old painful pathways anymore like it used to. I've used meditation and awareness exercises to eliminate or decrease a lot of my old triggers from when I was monogamous. Sounds like you are doing it without even realizing :)

ImaginaryIllusion 09-26-2010 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fayerweather (Post 45946)
Hi,
I've learned that emotional reactions can become habbits. If you become accustumed to a new situation (your girlfriend having other partners) and accustomed to being ok with that situation, your brain will actually stop making connections to the chemical reactions that cause jealousy. It usually takes about 20-30 days for your brain to start differently connecting to different emotional/chemical neurotransmitters and slowly but surely, it won't be able to connect to those old painful pathways anymore like it used to. I've used meditation and awareness exercises to eliminate or decrease a lot of my old triggers from when I was monogamous. Sounds like you are doing it without even realizing :)

Wow....
Apparently you aren't the only ones.

SourGirl 09-27-2010 12:06 AM

When I was much younger, I was a very jealous person. Had a unhealthy dose of hate going on' . some spite thrown in for good measure, and I ruled my relationships with a bit of a iron fist. ( No really, I was a total peach to date ! :rolleyes: )

My wake-up call came when I realized, that all my jealousy, was always a direct reaction to other peoples' possessiveness over me.

When they laid down their mono-rules of expectation on me, I tended to inwardly panic. Some part of me wanted to hold them up to a even higher standard. Maybe my spiteful self, wanted them to share my panic.

I became a whole new person in that moment. Started being with people who understand that I own my body, and they own theirs.
I changed my behaviour almost instantaneously. With no one trying to restrict who I really was, I in turn, did not feel a need to restrict others.

I don`t ever feel a need to be #1 to anyone in my poly relationships. Almost to my detriment sometimes. My ex bf who had a wife, and live-in gf, could not understand that I was happy, and healthy being #3. I liked knowing my place in the pecking order, and had no wish to over-ride anyone else. I choose to let relationships evolve how they are meant to, without force or expectation.

My bf now , ( and come to think of it, also my husband,... ) have many admirers, and I tend to think; 'Good for him. He is a great person. He deserves the attention.' :)

It`s a great place to be, when you go from one extreme to another. The 'another' being a place of peace and understanding.

Marvel over it, but don`t worry to much. ;)


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