Everything Fell Apart
Korre's made me feel jealous, Amber's made me feel insecure. Or maybe its the other way around. I have been suffering some severe depression since this all started, despite my meds that have done me fine for the past 7 years. In my depression I am unable to forgive, unable to accept love, unable to think clearly, unable to take criticism, unable to accept harsh truths... I have also had almost no appetite, don't want to do much of anything but sit, smoke, and write (I've gone from one pack of regulars a day to over two packs of 100's a day), and I have been short with everyone.
My insecurities towards women caused me to make Korre promise not to talk to Amber about negative stuff about me. Sunday night he admitted to doing just that. I told him a couple weeks ago that he better NEVER lie to me again. I consider this broken promise to be a lie... So Sunday night I kicked him out.
I realized I am a vengeful person. I hate that. I wish I wasn't. I threw away a pack of diapers, a big can of baby formula, a lingerie set, a sex toy and lube, all of which belonged to Amber that she had left at my house. I even found an inscribed ring, Tungsten, with her initials and her husband's initials (who she's divorcing). It doesn't fit me. But I put it in my jewelery box and some day when I am done being disgusted with her and her lies, I want to ask her what her initials + his initials = 143 means. Vengeful... but if she really cared about that ring, would it have been in the back seat of my Tahoe? Not like she knows where it ended up. She has stuff of mine, too. We all went to a couple stores before he brought her home Sunday night and she took all the bags with all OUR stuff in them. If she wants to give that back, I'll return the ring. But I want it all undamaged. And I DO think it is fair that I threw away the stuff she left at MY house AND am demanding back the stuff she took from MY car. Note the "MY". Korre's name isn't even on the damn car, and his is the 3rd name on the lease.
Anyways, I kicked Korre out in a huge rage. He didn't cry and beg me to let him stay like he's done before, he just started asking what he could take. And I would like to talk to him about it. ON Sunday night he said we could talk tomorrow... But now he is saying we will talk on Sunday. To give it a week.
Everyone who knows him and me and our relationship have told me that THAT is him trying to regain control over me. He has been controlling me for so long. He controls me with his emotions, which affect mine.
Since I've been with Korre my self esteem has dropped considerably. I feel like a burden to everyone. I feel like asking for a favor is going to put someone out. I feel like any touch from a man is going to require me to have sex or piss him off. I can't ask anyone for what I need anymore, I don't trust when people say something is okay, I apologize non-stop, and have been walking on egg shells for the past 2 years. He's made me feel like my lack of a vaginal orgasm is a horrible thing, that I need to dress nice and girly to be respected, and that my emotions are wrong.
My mother, my sister, my friends, even Korre's best friend Joe have all noted how he's controlled and changed me. They all say they miss the old me. I think I do, too. I like some of the things he's encouraged in me, like my domestic qualities, but I hate how he basically turned me into a domestic sex slave and I was too blinded by love to see it. I am still blinded by love. I love him so damn much and I want him back. I want him to move back in and I would take all that pain right back. It can't be worse than the pain I feel now with him not even talking to me.
But I know I shouldn't. I know I should be happy I finally had the balls to kick him out. I know I should move on. I want to start looking for a new guy, or a new friend of some sort right away. But I am still so in love. We had an intense connection from the very beginning and I cannot imagine finding someone else I'll have that connection with.
I am scared. I am scared to not have Korre, scared to live alone (even though Ive been saying for a while that I wanted it again), scared to not have all those good things in someone else. How easy is it going to be to find another gun loving, smoke friendly, socially liberal moderate, backpacker/camper who dislikes organized religion while still being spiritual? I am sure there are plenty, but the idea of not having anyone to enjoy these things with anymore scares me.
I spent all day yesterday wanting him back... but today I am on the edge. I do want him back, but it might be better if we didn't live together. I do want him to live here with me though. :( But he hurts me too frequently to really be worth it. Things were way better before we lived together. My mom is being very supportive. She never liked Korre anyway. My exboyfriend Erik came over Sunday night and is still here until tomorrow, and he is being very sweet and helpful. My mom and sister are more or less thrilled that I kicked Korre out. Erik doesn't want me to let him back, either, and my husband just wants me to be happy.
I am guessing that by tomorrow I will be more comfortable without him, and by Sunday when he is ready to talk I will have been here by myself for 4 days, and I will probably be very much enjoying my freedom... So, his attempt to control me by making me wait, if that is what it is, is going to destroy any chance he may or may not be hoping for, for a resolution.
Now that I can clearly see that my mother has been right about him all along, and that he has been treating me like shit for so long, I am really disappointed in myself that I LET him do that to me. I am sad for him because he doesn't realize what he's doing, and a bit relieved to finally be out of it. ... I am happy to be out, but I want him back. I don't know. I am confused. I at least want to continue being his friend.
I may come back and post more as things and people settle into their new roles. But my drama is pretty much over. My appetite returned today. Today was the first time I actually wanted to eat in weeks! I am also no longer constipated. I think my body is telling me that this was a good move and that things will be okay now.
I really hope they will be.
Be strong! It definitely sounds like he didn't treat you right, and made you believe you didn't deserve to be treated right.
You're probably dependent on him and miss him, and everything, I can tell it's very hard being away from him, but I want to support you with that. It was very brave of you to kick him out, you were right to. Stand by it, don't let him back, he's hurting you and you need to be away from him to recover.
I know you already know all of that, but I'm hoping that hearing it again will give you more strength to keep him away from you.
Thank you... I've already cancelled him as an authorized user on my credit card and cancelled his debit card. I need him to go to the bank with me to take his name off the account I share with my husband (who makes many times what Korre makes)... If he refuses then I close it the day after tomorrow and open a new one up. His best friend Joe, who I was also seeing, won't talk to me either. He has a cell phone on my plan. Two more days without a word from him and I will be cancelling that, too.
I let Korre take his firearms I payed for, his xbox that was in my name, a ton of clothes I bought... He left with more stuff than he came with, more valuable stuff, too.
I know its wrong, but I don't want to give up his stainless steel pots and pans, or his cutco knives that I bought for him and am still paying for. I am going to return his new bike to REI, I love their return policy. Or I might give it to my mom.
I know it is fairly normal to want to keep things you know aren't really yours in a break up, but I also don't think its right. I am torn between my own selfishness and anger, and my ethics. But logic tells me, he's living with his mom now, what does he need with pots, pans, and knives? I don't know.
The fish tank is one thing I am sure he's not getting. I payed for it, I payed for every fish in there except maybe 1, and I have been primarily taking care of it. It's been 'his', but now its mine. He has no space for and can't move a 55 gallon fish tank anyway.
Wow, Tejoko, tough times... just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and wishing you well.... stay strong. It sounds like you might be on to something.
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