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-   -   How do you know? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3763)

marksbabygirl 09-21-2010 02:35 AM

How do you know?
 
For the first time in our marriage - there are things he won't tell me, and I'm sad about that.

I had a shower with him - and as I got out I turned and said something.. and he stopped the conversation - because of something he was asked not to share with me. It made me sad that he has to watch what he says with me now :(

I understand the need, the right of other people to their privacy. I get it.

We've always had a 'don't ask me to keep a secret from my spouse' relationship. And that's changed. And it makes me sad :(

The balance is hard - how do you balance out one person's right to privacy with an established communication pattern?

Ariakas 09-21-2010 02:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marksbabygirl (Post 45080)
The balance is hard - how do you balance out one person's right to privacy with an established communication pattern?

thats tough and has to be learned. It might be easier to think that its not something he is keeping from you, but something he is holding to himself that is private between the them.

And no, I don't know what it would be. But its something I have realized this last week. There are things our metamours deserve to have to themselves in private. Period. The reason I believe that, is because I guess i hope, in a fully communicative poly relationship there are things that I have with my new partners that are personal and intimate. :)...

PollyPocket 09-21-2010 02:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marksbabygirl (Post 45080)
The balance is hard - how do you balance out one person's right to privacy with an established communication pattern?

My hubby and I JUST had this conversation tonight!! THERE ARE NO SECRETS! We agreed. He is going to tell C that this is just the way it is. Transparent. I realllllly realllllly think ~ and hope ~ that it is the way to avoid the drama.

Don't you??
P2

Ariakas 09-21-2010 02:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PollyPocket (Post 45085)
My hubby and I JUST had this conversation tonight!! THERE ARE NO SECRETS! We agreed. He is going to tell C that this is just the way it is. Transparent. I realllllly realllllly think ~ and hope ~ that it is the way to avoid the drama.

Don't you??
P2

hmmmm you are looking at a tough balance. Where does something become intimate and personal. I expect my partner to know what I NEED to know. I tell her what I want to know. But I know there are things that they own to themselves.

This is an internal debate with me. Now that I have things I enjoy that might be personal with my new partner, there is a level of trust needed to make a relationship work.

Full transparent disclosure...removes somethign intimate I think.

Still thinking on it myself. This is an interesting topic. I am all over full communication, but that is VERY different than full disclosure.

MonoVCPHG 09-21-2010 02:56 AM

I believe that every relationship has a right to intimate privacy. As an example, if I wanted to know something about Redpepper and Polynerdist's sex than it is up to both of them if that information is shared. It belongs to them.

But I don't believe this is an issue unless some one has a sense of entitlement to know everything. I do not. Why? Because I do feel a right to have privacy within my relationship with Redpepper and therefore that same expectation is returned.

If my privacy is compromised than it adversely affects my trust which directly impacts the depth of my love.

Derbylicious 09-21-2010 04:52 AM

I know that I've gotten upset in the past when things about me have been shared that have nothing to do with my husband and his girlfriend. Even if she is going through something similar, my stuff is mine to share, not his. I've asked him that he clear it with me or ask her to talk to me directly if it is my stuff that I own. In the same spirit I don't want him sharing things with me that she has told him in confidence about her that have nothing to do with me. Although if it's something that does affect me then I have said that I need to know those things (ie when "I love you" happens or discussions about changing living arrangements, even if they are just what if conversations).

FormerUnicorn 09-21-2010 07:07 AM

Oh MB, that's got to be hard. I have actually had the reverse issue, namely not talking about my husband's private life when I'm around new people. I like to share everything, so it's been difficult for me to have to look at everything and try to gauge what is mine to share and what belongs to him, or what has joint ownership and can't be shared without permission from both parties.

Perhaps if you think of it as things that belong to her that are not his to share, maybe they won't feel like his secrets that he is keeping from you, but rather that he's protecting her right to privacy, not his.

Look on the bright side, it seems like he still wants to share all of these important things with you, but he's remembering to respecting those boundaries. Doesn't that make you proud of him?

*hugs*

redpepper 09-21-2010 07:10 AM

I agree with privacy in relationships. I have tried the transparent route and it lead to hardship, more jealousy and lack of specialness and made me alter my actions to suite what I had to say afterward.. of course the private route is iffy and needs boundaries. It can lead to a bigger blast of NRE too. Keeping those little thrills secret means they develop a life of their own and start changing stuff in other relationships. I have had to fess up a couple of times to why I want to change things up with a partner because of another partner and my private stuff... tricky.

Derbylicious 09-21-2010 02:05 PM

How do you know?
 
How do you know what level of information about partners is ok to share with other partners? I know that you should talk about it, that's a given. I'm talking about instances where in the moment something comes up and you don't have the oppertunity to ask if it's ok to share that information.

marksbabygirl 09-21-2010 02:58 PM

For me, if the information directly affects me or my family, then it is in that "need to know" category and should not be kept private.

Anything else.... is *private*

And I say that with *'s around because unless there's a "I really would like you to keep this between us" said, then part of the ebb and flow of conversation means that tidbits between relationships will be shared - not out of a malicious intent or need to be totally open - but just because that's how conversations (between my husbandj/my friends/family and myself) work.

Anything that is told to me under the "It's just between you and me" heading - stays with me.


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