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-   -   Drinking as an excuse? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=37615)

skyfire322 01-17-2013 08:01 AM

Drinking as an excuse?
 
I will start off by stating that my girlfriend (I'll call her Anne) are in a polyamorous relationship. When we first discussed, we set a few rules to follow, one of which is asking permission before doing anything, just to make sure we're okay with it.

Her and I went to a party with a few friends, and the alcohol was flowing like a rushing river, so everyone was pretty inebriated. I should note that she is attracted to one of our mutual friends (I'll call him Don). I told her that if something happened, I'd be fine with it, as long as she let me know.

Anywho, I met this one girl (I will call her Suzie) who was quite attractive. I asked Anne on two different occasions that if something did happen with Suzie, if it would be alright. She agreed. The next day, I told her that something happened, but nothing more than a make out session. She thanked me for my honesty regarding that matter.

Two days pass, and I get an "I forgot to tell you" message from Anne saying that something did happen between her and Don. She stated that both of them drank a decent amount, and went for a walk. According to her, she "didn't anticipate anything, and things went from there. If she had known, she would have asked."

I know that I said that if something happened between Anne and Don, that I wouldn't mind, but it would have been nice to get an FYI.

Would anyone excuse the fact by saying they had a lot to drink? Also, did I put myself in a situation where she would assume that it would be alright? Maybe I'm just too paranoid or over protective, but I just feel a little down about this entire situation. Don is like a brother to me, and Anne has been my girlfriend for over 7 years... It hurts because I sense there may be some trust issues between me, and one of the other parties.

nycindie 01-18-2013 06:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skyfire322 (Post 178460)
She stated that both of them drank a decent amount, and went for a walk. According to her, she "didn't anticipate anything, and things went from there. If she had known, she would have asked."

This doesn't really tell you much. What happened, exactly? They got drunk, went for a walk, and then... what? They puked? Walked faster until they started skipping? Kissed? Groped? Fucked?

:confused:

skyfire322 01-18-2013 06:59 AM

Grope, make out. That's all I was told.

Marcus 01-18-2013 05:36 PM

So you told her you condoned her being interested in Don and she told you after the fact that some making out happened. When was it that this "FYI" was supposed to occur? Like, they're on the street, they look into each others eyes, they start slowly moving in for the kiss, the wind is blowing gently, sensual blues can be heard from the nearby restaurant... she stops and says "Two seconds, let me get permission" and gives you a call while he stands there and waits?

If this permission (which makes me shudder) needs to be given at a specific point and in a particular way you guys need to talk unambiguously about it.

SNeacail 01-18-2013 05:56 PM

Uhm, it's okay for you to tell her after the fact, but not for her? How is this fair? It's not like she didn't talk to you about her feeling for this guy beforehand. I'm not getting why you feel betrayed, unless it's the fact that she didn't tell you when you shared your activities with Susie. Maybe she truly did forget the entire incident until a couple days later, maybe she felt betrayed because you didn't get permission first...

Personally, I'd give it a pass, mention that you wish she had told you the next morning, then seriously re-think the feasibility of your "tell me beforehand" requirements.

JaneQSmythe 01-18-2013 09:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skyfire322 (Post 178460)
I told her that if something happened, I'd be fine with it, as long as she let me know...

...Two days pass, and I get an "I forgot to tell you" message from Anne saying that something did happen between her and Don. She stated that both of them drank a decent amount, and went for a walk. According to her, she "didn't anticipate anything, and things went from there. If she had known, she would have asked."

I know that I said that if something happened between Anne and Don, that I wouldn't mind, but it would have been nice to get an FYI.

... Also, did I put myself in a situation where she would assume that it would be alright?

With just the information provided I would say that you DID put yourself in a situation where she would assume that it would be alright - since you seemed to have said that IF "something" happened you would be fine with it, as long as she let you know (no timeframe specified - before, after, next opportunity). Since neither the timeframe or the "something" was particularly defined it might not have even occurred to her that "groping/making out" when she already had a "free pass" would even have qualified as needing disclosure.

To me, it sounds like it was your conversation with her later - the next day when you told her that "something" (a make-out session) had occurred, which then got her thinking that you consider "making out" to be a "something"...so she made a point of telling you fairly quickly after that.

I wouldn't sweat it - she DID tell you, once she thought about it and realized that you would want to know. (In my world, groping/making out is not necessarily a "something" if it is with someone that we already know someone is attracted to OR with someone we don't know but who isn't going to become an ongoing contact/potential new partner.) I don't think the drinking comes into play at all - sounds like it was more an issue of communicating expectations.

JaneQ

turtleHeart 01-18-2013 10:19 PM

As others have said, it sounds like she did just as you requested. You two had talked about the possibility before the party and you said just to let you know if something happens, which she did.

I actually see more of a possibility of your wife being bothered by your actions if you asked her for permission at the party when she was already intoxicated (this wasn't clear from your wording), vs waiting until a later time when you're both sober and able to discuss it with full faculties.

I wouldn't excuse anything based on someone haven't been intoxicated, unless they'd been drugged by someone else. Intoxication doesn't excuse actions, if anything it makes the guilt that much worse, as with drunk driving. That said, it doesn't seem like your wife is guilty of anything in this regard, it sounds like she did just as you asked.


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