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-   -   I didn't get very far... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3758)

Moonglow 09-21-2010 08:14 AM

I didn't get very far...
 
I am going to just write this because I guess I have lost all my perspective on what most people consider reality. My poly relationship didn't work out. I am utterly heartbroken. I don't know if I will ever be able to love again or anything. What happened was I was shut out completely without a vote. We were a happy little triad. We had been going along and enjoying our imes together and even working on more and more plans to be in each other's lives. Then my love's life changed and he and others that influence him decided that "poly is no good." Not only that but anything with me had been "meaningless and superficial." I had not ever believed that in a million years as I put everything into loving so carefully and openly and honestly that now when I think of it I wonder how I will ever open my heart to anyone ever again. What happened is his family "found" him. He didn't really go looking for them but they found him and he said that it was the most wondferful thing in the world. I had anticipated this. I had hoped to experience it with him but instead, had no vote, no choice and now nothing.

I don't have a "family" as he does now. I am still searching for the meaning of my life and I still have yet to find it. It has damaged my primary relationship to the point where I don't believe I am worth anything and am considering leaving just so all can get on with their lives. Except I don't have a life to get on with. Waking up is just excruciating, like losing anyone, I guess I am going through the 5 stages of grieving. I even reached out to a psychologist who was more concerned with how many sessions I could possibly need to get better than to actually help me. So, I didn't go there. I contemplate what life would be like if I were not around, like I would move out or something. I contemplate even if I were simply just to stop existing, which is what I did. I simply stopped existing to someone I cared for so deeply. I have a job. I get up and I do my job. I have a hobby. I go and try to do my hobbies. None of it seems worth anything anymore. I keep hearing those words echoing in my head.

See what happened was a trip.. a long trip and I waited and waited for him to return. WHen he returned, we were all supposed to meet and have dinner. They never called. Instead with only one sentence. "I don't want to meet this person" I was gone. I tried to see him after his family left. He said everything had changed and all that other stuff. I feel so discarded and utterly devastated, I simply can't get over it. I guess I should probably find a counselor or something because I used to be a person who enjoyed life. Now I wish my life would just simply be over. But even there I am a coward. The only thing that makes me smile these days is my dog. My primary relationship because I feel so empty and withdrawn, I am not leaving but the same things that led me to wish for a poly relationship in the first place remain. I can't hide from those. So... here I am. I was new, now jaded, alone, yet not alone, and heartbroken. Sorry for the sad post. I need to just write this somewhere, where maybe someone would offer me comfort because there's been very little where I am now.

polyexplorer 09-21-2010 08:52 AM

Hi Moonglow,

I can feel your crushed spirit... I'm sorry for your pain.

5 years ago my wife put an end to a relationship that meant a great deal to me. I love my wife and want to be with her, so I had to let this be even though it sent me into a deep, dark place.

While time heals to a degree, 5 years later I am still sad. In some ways it feels worse than a death. With a death you have no choice but to eventually move on because the person no longer is on this earth. But in yours and my situation you know that the person is still alive and you still care for them, but cannot have contact. That makes the process of letting go and moving on so much harder...

My hope is that you find at least some comfort to help you keep going...

Quath 09-21-2010 01:45 PM

I am sorry for your loss, Moonglow. You deserve better than you were treated.

Time will dull the pain to an extent. There are some pains that never completely go away, but their impact has been greatly dulled as you go on with life. I would say to take things one day at a time and mourn for your lost relationship.

It helps to hang out with friends or go to social situations for some people. Just keep busy until you start to feel better.

redpepper 09-21-2010 08:26 PM

I'm sorry Moonglow. :(

time will show you what you have learned from this and make you better for it. I feel for you in your pain right now.

lisbeth 09-21-2010 09:11 PM

HI Moonglow, I recently went through the end of my first poly relationship, I was completely crushed and am still not able to focus at work (as evidence my the fact that I'm reading this message board during business hours, lol).

I went to see a psychologist and am so glad that I did. It was so cathartic to talk out all the stuff going around in my head, to someone who guaranteed confidentiality, and who doesn't know anyone involved anyway.

I know that it's a really personal decision but if you can afford it (or find a sliding-scale community center) it's worth a try. If you didn't like the attitude or the prices of the first counselor you called, then call another one. Don't give up!

Moonglow 09-22-2010 01:13 PM

Thank you everyone. I have been sick actually home from work and of course had a lot of time to think about this. I will probably call a counselor. My husband is so supportive and he feels just as confused as I am and I guess with time it will pass. There's a strong possibility my path will cross with this person again and I am unsure what will happen. I am not seeking it out by any means. My husband does want an answer though interestingly enough though not seeking it out either.

I appreciate your kind words and thoughts. I will honestly say that when it worked, it really was beautiful. We played music together, we shared meals, we had started making tenative plans. It was a friendship lost as much as a love lost. I would say to anyone although it didn't work out here, it was still worth the experience even though the pain is far greater than I could even imagine.

Finally I would like to say I am truly happy for him that he has found a love so deep and profound in his family. Just of course I am wishing... well you know. I am a fool.

Breathesgirl 09-22-2010 01:41 PM

Moonglow: regarding your first post...

It takes MORE courage to stick it out through the tough & down times than it does to end things. You've stuck it out, you are sticking it out, you are courageous! Sometimes just existing is what we need in order to give ourselves and our emotions a break from all the hurt. There is nothing wrong with this as long as you don't let it go on & on & on.

Now, I'm glad to see you're sounding better :D.

Find a councellor that you like & works for you. You'll find you will feel a bunch better after just the first visit.

GroundedSpirit 09-22-2010 01:57 PM

Hey Moonglow,

I really don't want this to sound trite - only to try to inject a little reality check in here. :) Ok ?

Is this REALLy the first time in your life that a dream you had or a promising start hasn't worked out ?

If so I say you've led a charmed life ! Welcome back to reality :)

Is the pain terrible ? You bet it is !
Can you make lemonade from it ? Only if YOU choose to.

Time is a great healer. So is taking to heart the fact that the universe does not always choose to adhere to OUR rules (or dreams & plans). Embracing that is an important part of future happiness.

Be ready for the next wonderful possibility to appear. It WILL come and you are more likely to miss it if your eyes are clouded with tears or your head is buried under a pillow.

Big hugs to you and a pinprick in the ass to get you moving again :)

GS

Moonglow 09-29-2010 12:27 PM

I went to a counselor. It wasn't much help. She says I am still in the shock phase. If I didn't wake up every morning thinking of him and if my own husband hadn't had said yes i understand that this is difficult, it seems as though you two were connected spiritually... I know time will heal this but what I am trying to do is get angry and I can't bring myself to it. I loved him openly and honestly and I still see all the good and wonderful things about him which made me love him in the first place. The counselor said I was treated horribly and why would I want to keep this going in my life but as I have discovered I just think about him. It has permeated far more than I ever thought it would. I did not give up my hobbies although I tried. And I am reminded daily of him through friends and stuff so I guess I will move on to acceptance or something.... I did do one small thing. His family who found him... had added me as a friend on facebook many months ago back right when they found each other. I deleted that person as a friend. I didn't want that reminder also. All I really wanted... was... a friend. :(

Thanks for listening....

MG

redpepper 09-29-2010 02:39 PM

moonglow, I'm wondering if there is something more behind this. Perhaps your feelings are trying to tell you something about what you need now in life. Perhaps if you really think on what messages are being sent by this you will discover something tangible that you can do with this feeling. I don't know what that might be... more excitement in your life that doesn't rely on others to get it? More loving connections with others? More time doing great things with your family (after all, I would bet they aren't digging the mood you have been in, perhaps relying on them to help life the mood would help)? More time to pamper yourself and love yourself... be your best primary? I don't know, that is for you to discover... all I am suggesting is that you use this as a way to bring something positive to your life.


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