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LillDeb 01-16-2013 08:47 PM

Transitioning
 
Hello from Central Alabama. My husband and I have dappled in swinging however, we have discovered that I'm really not a swinger. I have to know you and have a connection. Upon learning this, we began reading about poly relationships. After learning more about it, he and I both agree this fits. The problem....I know that I can be involved with another male. He agrees that he could partake of a triad (I think that's the correct term). However, and I am bi with the right female, I don't know that I could know that he was with another woman in a relationship. I know how it sounds and that's why it bothers me. I don't want to weld a double edged sword. Finding the right woman seems to be difficult enough where the lifestyle is concerned, I can't imagine how hard it may be here. I am beginning to think that it's just as hard to find the right, understanding male too.
We would like to even meet a couple...but chemistry among four people is rarely found.
Any advice? I really need a starting point. My husband and I, we are solid. He's wonderful...he wants to share what we already have too. Better than that, he understands my needs and is putting them first (for now). I have to work on finding the right woman so I can put his needs before my own. Help....

Anneintherain 01-17-2013 06:08 PM

I don't think you need to put his needs before your own. Are you actually romantically bisexual with the right female, or just willing and able to have sexual relationships with the right one? If you picture engaging in long lasting relationships and not just fun sex I don't think that last one isn't really enough to create a triad. If you are rarely interested in females, that can also be a fruitless search to find somebody you actually like, who actually likes your husband.

If you've looked around much like it seems you may have, if you try to aim for a triad first instead of having it happen by chance, the likelihood is that after a few months it turns out she has feelings for him, or you, but not both of you and/or one of you doesn't actually feel that interested in dating her while the other does. In that first case he'd be dating her solo anyway, and if you have an agreement you will both break up with her if she wont date both of you, I'd rethink bothering to try that at all. Does your husband have an interest in dating solo? Is he willing to not date at all but be fine with you having male partners?

Are you willing to try a sample date? Have him put a profile on OKC, talk to a few people, ask one out to coffee, dissect the feelings that brings up, after the coffee date see if you realize his behavior is actually going to keep you feeling loved and important (or whatever it is you fear about him dating others). I recommend online dating because there's less fallout than asking out somebody he already knows and will likely see again in passing if it doesn't work out. edit: is there something about your swinging experiences that made you decide that him dating somebody solo would cause discomfort for you?

LillDeb 01-18-2013 02:19 AM

Thank you so much for you response. My husband and I read it together and broke it down and answered the different points together. You help to not only create a conversation for us, but lead us into answers for each other. Thank you.
Valid points were identified, one of which was whether or not he would date solo. He has no interest in that. If a woman was to become involved wonderful...but he would rather me continue the path that I have started on. We have clarification due to your comments. So...again, Thank you .


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