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-   -   A point to sex without orgasm? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3748)

TeJoKo 09-20-2010 12:33 AM

A point to sex without orgasm?
 
I am wondering what the point is to sex if you can't orgasm?
My boyfriend says the closeness, but we can have that closeness just cuddling before sleep. The touching and caressing? He can do that while we watch tv... He just tried to show me, by kissing me and squeezing my boob, and it made me feel like a piece of meat.

I feel defective because I am incapable of vaginal orgasm. I feel like what is the point? I don't want to get pregnant, and can't have vaginal orgasm, why put a penis in there at all when I can just wait until everyone's gone to work and get out my pocket rocket? And if I have to masturbate to to feel even the slightest bit orgasmic, why shouldn't he?

I read the 'Ejaculation' post on here, and tried it. No luck. It was uncomfortable and a bit painful. It feels like a full bladder, which is painful to me. And it left my vagina sore for two days from a finger being in there. Not like I want to basically pee everywhere anyway, I just want to have a vaginal orgasm. I just want to not be defective. ... My mom suggests that maybe they're doing it wrong... But I doubt 50 guys have ALL always done it wrong. My boyfriend can give other women orgasms, just not me.

I anticipate you all hating me before long due to my negativity, but whatever. I need somewhere to vent, and this is the only place I have available.

rabbit 09-20-2010 12:54 AM

Why not combine regular sex with the vibrator?

Lots of people have to get creative to make it fulfilling for everyone involved, and that's ok. There's no way that you HAVE to have sex.

TeJoKo 09-20-2010 01:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rabbit (Post 44877)
Why not combine regular sex with the vibrator?

Lots of people have to get creative to make it fulfilling for everyone involved, and that's ok. There's no way that you HAVE to have sex.

Sex with the vibrator doesn't get me off either. IF I can even get and keep it in the right spot, its hard enough to stay in the right angle. I have to be still and so does he, and guys don't like dead weight in bed, right? (Any in/out movement will prevent me from getting off) And generally it causes too much stimulation and it makes my clit hurt.

I don't want to have to rely on toys to enjoy sex. I WANT to have a vaginal orgasm, I want to not be defective. If I am going to use my toy, why have sex at all? Why have sex at all anyway?

MindfulAgony 09-20-2010 01:48 AM

Not having a vaginal orgasm is not uncommon - if I accurately recall the multiple surveys (scientific and otherwise) that I've read on the subject. So, I would assert that not being able to experience, in fact, does not make you defective. If that were the case - a large swath of the femail population would be as well.

I don't recall the specifics. But, in my own experience, it's only about 1/2 of the women I've been with are regularly able to have vaginal orgasms without alternative stimulation. For each it's different. For some, maybe a 1/3 of those who don't, I'm regularly successful with manual stimulation while having intercourse. But, it's not nearly an always thing. With many of the others, it's a real crapshoot. But, I have been fairly successful of getting them to orgasm prior to or immediately after vaginal intercourse.

Because I can typically engage in vaginal intercourse for extended periods of time, it's never been an issue of not having enough time for her to get there. I suppose it still could be the motion itself - but, when given, I take direction very well. Because of finding it frequently the case that many women don't easily orgasm vaginally without aid, i've never felt it to be anything but fairly normal outcome based on the structure of women's anatomy.

But, to your point of why have sex if you don't orgasm. I believe that there is something special about having vaginal intercourse. But, I view it as one of a number of exciting intimate activities I love to engage in. It matters not to me exactly where my member happens to be when climax occurs. But, I would guess that's a common sentiment for a guy :cool: For some women, it seems that there's an over-investment (emotionally) in being able to climax via penis insertion alone. Not being a woman, I'm not sure I understand it.

TeJoKo 09-20-2010 02:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MindfulAgony (Post 44887)
Not having a vaginal orgasm is not uncommon - if I accurately recall the multiple surveys (scientific and otherwise) that I've read on the subject. So, I would assert that not being able to experience, in fact, does not make you defective. If that were the case - a large swath of the femail population would be as well.

I don't recall the specifics. But, in my own experience, it's only about 1/2 of the women I've been with are regularly able to have vaginal orgasms without alternative stimulation. For each it's different. For some, maybe a 1/3 of those who don't, I'm regularly successful with manual stimulation while having intercourse. But, it's not nearly an always thing. With many of the others, it's a real crapshoot. But, I have been fairly successful of getting them to orgasm prior to or immediately after vaginal intercourse.

Because I can typically engage in vaginal intercourse for extended periods of time, it's never been an issue of not having enough time for her to get there. I suppose it still could be the motion itself - but, when given, I take direction very well. Because of finding it frequently the case that many women don't easily orgasm vaginally without aid, i've never felt it to be anything but fairly normal outcome based on the structure of women's anatomy.

But, to your point of why have sex if you don't orgasm. I believe that there is something special about having vaginal intercourse. But, I view it as one of a number of exciting intimate activities I love to engage in. It matters not to me exactly where my member happens to be when climax occurs. But, I would guess that's a common sentiment for a guy :cool: For some women, it seems that there's an over-investment (emotionally) in being able to climax via penis insertion alone. Not being a woman, I'm not sure I understand it.

Half could orgasm regularly? Of the women I've talked to, three of them, al three have, but none regularly. I CANNOT AT ALL, NEVER HAVE, NEVER GET CLOSE. SEX NEVER FEELS ORGASMIC TO ME.

None of these replies here apply to me. They all make me feel MORE defective. At least all these other women are capable.

MindfulAgony 09-20-2010 02:30 AM

Perhaps it was not clear, but a good portion of them couldn't orgasm vaginally at all.

Even those who could, required manual stimulation while having intercourse that's only 1/3 of that 1/2.

I'm sure my experience isn't representative (as any one person's experience is hard to extrapolate as representative), but still that's a good many women running around not having vaginal orgasms.

I would hesitate to believe that there are that many defective women running around. In other words, it seems to be well within the normal range of women's responsiveness to penile insertion alone. That may not make you feel better about it. But, it's not an operational defect even if still disappointing. This, in essence, was my point.

TeJoKo 09-20-2010 02:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MindfulAgony (Post 44896)
Perhaps it was not clear, but a good portion of them couldn't orgasm vaginally at all.

Even those who could, required manual stimulation while having intercourse that's only 1/3 of that 1/2.

I'm sure my experience isn't representative (as any one person's experience is hard to extrapolate as representative), but still that's a good many women running around not having vaginal orgasms.

I would hesitate to believe that there are that many defective women running around. In other words, it seems to be well within the normal range of women's responsiveness to penile insertion alone. That may not make you feel better about it. But, it's not an operational defect even if still disappointing. This, in essence, was my point.

Manual stimulation would make it clitoral, not vaginal, yes?
hands on my clit is also irritating.
If I am not defective, then other women have special abilities? Our bodies clearly do not work the same, so it is one or the other...

Derbylicious 09-20-2010 02:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TeJoKo (Post 44897)
If I am not defective, then other women have special abilities? Our bodies clearly do not work the same, so it is one or the other...

Yes different women's bodies work differently, one way of being isn't better or worse than another. Some women are multi orgasmic and others are not, some have vaginal orgasms some don't, some like oral some don't. It's not a comparison thing, you know what works for you for you to get off the heck with what works for other women. If you don't want to have vaginal sex because you don't get anything from it then don't.

MindfulAgony 09-20-2010 02:44 AM

Exactly. There is quite a bit of confusion about clitoral versus vaginal orgasm... some researchers contend that there's really no such thing as vaginal intercourse. They argue that so-called vaginal orgasms are in fact the result of clitoral stimulus. But...

From psych wiki:
"Recent discoveries about the size of the clitoris - it extends inside the body, around the vagina - complicate or may invalidate attempts to distinguish clitoral vs. vaginal orgasms. Recent anatomical research shows that there are nerves connecting intravaginal tissues and the clitoris. This, with the anatomical evidence that the internal part of the clitoris is a much larger organ than previously thought, could explain credible reports of orgasms in women who have undergone clitorectomy as part of female circumcision. The link between the clitoris and the vagina is evidence that the clitoris is the 'seat' of the female orgasm and is far more wide-spread than the visible part most people associate with it. But it is possible that some women have more extensive clitoral tissues and nerves than others, and so that some women can achieve orgasm only by direct stimulation of the external part of the clitoris."

So, it may be moot as we learn more about female anatomy.

marksbabygirl 09-20-2010 02:51 AM

The short answer is because it feels good.

If it doesn't feel good - don't do it.

I don't *orgasm* from anal intercourse. But I do it a lot because it feels good.

There's no reproduction, no orgasm, just good feelings.

Its too bad you're not in the Vancouver area - I know someone who does amazing workshops - oh - if you're near one of the Taboo Sex Shows - catch Jennifer's workshops - they're only 30 mins - but fairly informative.

Good luck.

Jane


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