So I'm new to this forum but I've been on message boards for a long time. (anyone else remember 6 degrees? ;) ) I'm a bisexual woman. I'm the mom of a 2.5 year old girl. I've been with my DH for mmm 17 years. Married 10. We've been in an open relationship for 8 years. I've had a few GF/ female lovers over the years. Only one that was particularly serious - and all are still friends of ours. Currently I have a male lover. New experience. Pretty fun :) He's quite experienced in poly relationships (and poly disasters LOL) he's taught me a lot - and I think I've been teaching him a lot about positive relationships.
DH hasn't been with anyone else since we've been together - but is free to be. Lover has - it's interesting. He's teaching me a great deal about jealousy and letting go. He is coming off a divorce and doesn't want any commitment right now. But he is also looking for his primary. I may be still involved when she comes along - but we both know that just might not work. So it's a bit odd. What I've always liked about polyamoury is the *and* not *or* of it all. And with this relationship I have to accept it may be *or*. So it's a bit like waiting for the other shoe to drop. In any case I love both my men and feel loved back. They just had a birthday party together at lovers house. He gave up his bed and slept on the couch so DH DD and I could sleep in his room. We are all friends and I'm pretty freaken proud of how much we can handle together. Um ah ye. That's my relationships. . . .
Welcome to the Forums!
You all should definitely feel "pretty freaken proud" of how well you are handling things.
Your situation is similar to my own in a number of ways. Dude is my first MALE OSO, MrS has always been free to pursue outside relationships but never has.
My own fear, early on, with Dude was that being in a relationship with me would impede his ability to find a "real girl" (i.e. a primary of his own) - the difference is that he wasn't/isn't actually "looking" for a primary (although not necessarily ruling it out) - this was my own fear. After a while, as our relationship evolved, he said that continuing a relationship with me (in some fashion) would be a necessary part of any future relationship configuration he finds himself in.
Now, lots of things could happen in the future (which is always a true statement). Dude could find a "real girl" who wants to be primary and our relationship could shift into a more secondary model. His new girl might have no interest in a primary type relationship with him (perhaps she already has a primary or doesn't want one) and choose to take a secondary role herself. New girl might be interested in a non-hierarchical model or a "working toward co-primary" type situation (as is evolving between the three of us). In addition, but not expected :p, the new girl might be interested in pursuing a relationship with either me or MrS as well...
The fact is that this hypothetical new girl will have her own preferences and boundaries, and OUR relationship could be in very different place than it is now (as people and relationships change over time). So, thinking NOW about what things could look like in the future is an interesting theoretical exercise (and I think it is good to be aware of the possibilities) but, until hypothetical new girl is actually on the scene, then no conclusions can be drawn.
Well, that ended up longer than I anticipated (usually does). Anyway, welcome again.
Welcome to our forum.
Sounds like your poly relationship is in a place of uncertainty at this time. That can be stressful. Savor what you have in the here and now, it sounds like a pretty sweet set-up.
If there's anything we can do on Polyamory.com to help let us know. Have a look at our various boards and threads and see what interests you. It is quite a bustling site and you'll have many opportunities for striking up new friendships.
I hope things work out well for you guys.
Thanks for the welcoming words!
As far as uncertainty goes - really - the only thing we can count on is change. Maybe being a mom helps me realize that. I don't say it in a negative way. You can never step in the same river twice right ;) . I find it's a really great thing to keep in mind with relationships and boundaries especially.
I like the 'real girl' comment JaneQ. I know the feeling :rolleyes: At first he was saying he didn't want a 'relationship', that this was very temporary and he was sure polyamoury was not going to be for him. (that was 6 months ago lol) about 2 months ago he was saying he's pretty sure he *does want to be poly and that any new relationship was probably going to have to be ok with that. He also started actually calling this a relationship and talking about how well it is working. He also just broke up with a girl who did want to be his one and only - in part because he just wasn't sure if he wanted to be with her, in part because she wasn't cool with poly and in part because she wasn't cool with me. So who knows. . .
Here, TODAY, is what I have, so I should enjoy it as well as I can...I can plan for tomorrow (which I do) but that doesn't meant that tomorrow will look as I expect. (Which DOESN'T mean that I can make contingency plans, just that my contingency plans need contingency plans...I'm a little type-A in case you didn't notice.)
I am responsible for MY decisions/behaviors...I have to trust my friends/lovers/partners that THEY are monitoring THEIR decisions/behaviors (which I DO, or they wouldn't be my friends/lovers/partners - although I have a tendency to want to "monitor" their interactions to make sure that they don't get hurt - this is MY issue).
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